Fading Into A Low

[RussH]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve I just wanted to see how you are doing this morning? I sure hope you were able to sleep last night, and things are a little better this morning.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@RussH - I did, thankfully, get sleep last night. I'm still hiding out in my room and the kids are just getting up. I feel kind of gloomy still, but we'll see what the day holds.

 

[RussH]

I am glad you had a good night's sleep. I mostly posted here this morning just so you would know I am thinking about you, and doing what I can to help.

I am glad you liked the picture I posted of the northern lights. The bridge in the picture is amazing, and it is truly a beautiful area.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Majorly triggered tonight. I had a therapy session earlier and it took forever to come back after processing another flashback. I took 40 minutes to leave mainly because I kept getting triggered by sirens. My son has been getting out of bed again for the last hour. My husband and I losing our patience. I started to get angry. Now it is thundering...again, and I am shaking and scared. I sent my husband to calm my son because I know he will be really scared now. I feel like the world is against me lately. Logically, I know it isn't, it's just how I feel.

 

[RussH]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve Just as you handle suggest; take a deep breath, and believe. I am truly sorry life has been so rough for you lately, and I can promise you the world is not against you; it's too busy being against me to have time to be against you as well.

Seriously, I know it is hard, I really do, and I know you keep asking will this ever end? It's hard, it stinks, and sometimes you just want to flush it down the toliet, but it will get better. It will take time, but it will get better, and again you are not alone. All of your friends here on the forum are here with you.

 

[Seasounds]

Today I thought a simplistic way to say it:
Integration is opening to something, like a memory, releasing the emotions, and learning something from the experience.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I hate who I am today. I hate that my husband had to go our for appointments. I am scared of his appointment because it's related to injuries from the car accident. He's supposed to be better. I am scared that my kids are only going to remember their mother as the one who screamed at them and then sat there crying because she knows how horrible she is. I hate having these feelings inside of me and the anger at the memories and PTSD flows out of me into my every day life. I knew it wasn't a good day today, but I couldn't stop it. I tried. I tried. But it doesn't matter, I will always fail. I just wish I could feel happy and be the kind of parent who loves her kids and has fun with them. I wish that I could put PTSD aside when it's time to be the mom. I wish I had that ability.

 

[RussH]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve Do you know how many post you have written that mentions your kids? Do you know what that tells me? You are a mom who loves her kids.

Fear is a normal thing when you have been faced with abnormal situations. I, like you, hate these feelings inside of me. I hate feeling like I always fail, and consider myself a failure.

However, my dear lady, you do not always fail; in fact I would be willing to bet you succeed far more than you fail. Your kids know their mom loves them, and they know you are struggling with some issues, they may not understand the issues, but they know you are in a difficult time.

You have not failed your students. There are many success stories still being written by these kids because of what you taught them, and how you taught them.

This past week; did you take your kids out to have fun? did they enjoy themselves? I know you did, and they did. When you start feeling the way you feel today, then remember the good you have done, and the positive times you have had with your kids.

Now, wipe your eyes, and go hug your kids and tell them that you love them.

Also, if at anytime my replies anger you; feel free to yell at me. It's ok.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@RussH - I love that last line. My anger part is out a lot today and that is part of the problem. Replies like that are what I need to hear because I try to tell them to myself, but I can't convince myself it is true.

I am going to pick myself up, shove away the anger, and take my kids to story time at the library. That should help occupy at least the older one and I can feel safe among the books. Breathe and believe. When we get back my husband should be back and since when he called in between his appointments, I cried, I think he'll let me have some alone time.

 

[RussH]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve Which line?
Wipe your eyes, or
yell at me :)
I sure hope your day goes better; praying for you.