Family Coping Methods

[Powder]

Does anyone out there understand the pressure of being a working parent with PTSD and having constant criticism at work, your family triggering you and criticizing you, labeling you as the source of all problems because of your PTSD Dx, and basically feeling like a punching bag all day long?

I feel so tired after a long day, that when my family turns on me in my only "safe place," suddenly. I have none, and I feel like I'm right back in an abusive home.

How do you find a safe place when you feel attacked on all sides?

Having a good family is what someone who had a traumatizing family wants, so the pressure I put on myself to be a good mom and wife is unbearable. And it makes minor upsets feel like I've been run over by a bus.I feel totally floored by things. I have no idea at this point how to process things that happen in my life, a thin emotional skin.

I'm coming down off of Xanax, and I feel like it is very hard to distance myself from feelings. It's my 17th wedding anniversary on 12-12, and I'm not sure how to attend to his feelings. I feel like it's hard to know what to do, out of step. How can I be a good wife, if I cannot read his feelings? I ask him his feelings, he tells me, I validate them, but they don't seem real to me. I think I'm under too much stress right now at work, under too much pressure, and am not in a good place to detect other people's feelings. My perceptions are off kilter. I'm aware of it, but that doesn't change this. I hope I can muster some energy to put into thinking about my anniversary. My job is taking more than 100% of my energy and is making it hard to breath, literally.

 

[Stickler]

Have you told your spouse you are overwhelmed and need support?

Also, try telling him that criticizing you is like trying to fix a swiss watch by smacking it against a countertop.

Criticism just ruins your ability to function.

Tell him you really need him to focus on everything GOOD you do...for a week.
Tell him you strongly suspect that if he tells you ONLY what you are doing right, for a week, with him actively trying to find all the good stuff you do?
That by the end of that week you will be performing better.

Tell him to think of it as a challenge of sorts?

(criticism stresses people out and often makes them feel devalued. However, if you catch people doing something right and praise them for it? Generally they do not just that item right, they relax and do other things right too. If you then thank them for the great job they are doing for the new stuff, they then relax more, feel more confident, do more stuff right, and so forth. It works.)

 

[Powder]

Also, try telling him that criticizing you is like trying to fix a swiss watch by smacking it against a countertop.

Thank you! Ha! I wish I had your sense of humor and that I were as well engineered as said watch.

I agree with you. He is not normally critical. I am. I need to write your joke down, or get it inked on my body. I complain too much.

But when he is, I am in pieces, like said watch.

 

[Stickler]

...but you asked if I understood about being " the designated patient".

My ex-wife cast me in that role. It made it very convenient to project her own issues onto me. It was no fun to deal with my actual issues and deal with the crap that I was being TOLD were my issues but were not my issues...
I was angry all the time because she was treating me like crap, not because of the PTSD... I was shouting at her because she was shouting at me first? But when I shouted back it was a problem?

Uh...yeahhhhh...

 

[Stickler]

Ooooh, yeah. Critical-ness is bad. I told my ex to actively try not to be critical...to think whether it was *really* that important that she criticize me? And if she had to criticize, sandwich the criticism in between two items of praise to make it less ouchie.

I felt belittled and attacked all the time? Not treated like an equal, beloved adult. So yeah, it's bad, found that out the hard way...
I was critical too. It was anxiety. I didn't praise enough, express gratitude enough. I was depressed, stressed, quarrelsome, slobby...*shrug* no paragon of spousey virtue.

 

[Powder]

Yes, I think that he and I are both capable of projecting our issues. And it's so hard to know that now it's my turn to be projected upon. He admitted he was super tense and is stressed with job interviews, and other long-time dreams so close, yet just out of reach still. Not defending him, just providing context here.

He's usually schooling me, and I sometimes lean too heavily on the resident patient role, and yes, there is a certain level of push back. But ultimately, the issue for me is that like the proverb, I "can dish it out but not take it."

I am actually angry that I can't take criticism that I know is sometimes true, just because it's unfair in this particular case. I should just suck it up and call it even for when I got away with it some other day.

But then I would have to emote like a 38 year old adult and not a 5 year old, which is basically what I think I'm doing when I feel like I can't cope. I'm trying to do the problems of an adult with the emotional range of a child. Sometimes, this is not the case, but often, it likely is.

Looking back at all the awesome things I have been capable of doing in the past, I feel like now I'm just trying to get through the day. I've got to be patient and see this through.

Quitting a benzo is hard work. I should go easy on me, too.