Financial stress and coping badly

[SeekingAfrica]

Is there a way to cope better?
Last year I got my shaky finances in a dumpster practically. I wasn't okay, and I made hard situation worse. Anyway. I know I am definitely not the first person in a lot of debt but still building income back up. Which means there is this constant juggling of expenses and bills, and priority of debt payments, what can I push, how much... Which is life I suppose, it's a process, I know as I improve my situation it will get better and so on. I know I am constantly paying off few things and postponing other things. I know while I'm slowly increasing my income, this will continue.
Yet, I swear I get myself sick over every postponing of anything, I stress to a point where I need a break before applying again, I intrusively overthink the reaction of the people whose payments I'm postponing, their opinion of me, or the effect of what I'm postponing on my life (like the effect of postponing therapy or health appointments and so on). It's just a lot.

I understand I didn't get myself here in a day.
Comperatively, I am better. I used to literally throw up over this feeling and shut down for days and weeks(hence getting myself in it even worse from being unable to function for that long). Now if postponing X is threatening to make me disfunctional, I try to deal by dealing with the practical first (does anyone need to be updated, do I need to renegotiate terms), then pushing it out of my mind for exact time (no freaking out until date Y) and telling myself this too will pass. But still everything with increasing income, every going to bank, every money conversation makes me anxious and sick and I still get myself in too many panic attacks feeling like I am the worst person for getting in debt. By the way, it's not so much the amount (I feel people with credit cards are able to owe a lot more), I think it's more how long it's taking me to become a functional adult being able to cope with having this debt without tearing myself with guilt. Any tips for financial stress? I am working on improving things daily and I think in comparisson to September or even November I have improved lots- but on larger scale, unless I improve a lot more, it may take me 5 years to get to a good place. This is a long time to wreck my nerves and health this much every day over every payment...

 

[arfie]

my least favorite thing about stress is that it can target any subject. financial portfolios, religious tenants, family values, personal worth, neighbor worth, politics, fashion, the flight of a butterfly, you-name-it. whatever subject my stress is targeting on any given day, i hold managing the stress as far more important than the subject i am agonizing over. pain is inevitable. suffering is optional.

that which is urgent is seldom important
that which is important is seldom urgent

for what it's worth
this comfortable old geezer believes the stress of not enough money was much easier to manage than the stress of which beggar should receive the extra tithings. i'm a big believer in tithing. 10% of my income spent on nothing more than my faith that the world can be a better place gives me more hope than i can measure. not too many beggars came after the ten percent of nothing i earned in the throwaway kid camps

 

[PamelaS]

Is there a way to cope better?
Last year I got my shaky finances in a dumpster practically. I wasn't okay, and I made hard situation worse. Anyway. I know I am definitely not the first person in a lot of debt but still building income back up. Which means there is this constant juggling of expenses and bills, and priority of debt payments, what can I push, how much... Which is life I suppose, it's a process, I know as I improve my situation it will get better and so on. I know I am constantly paying off few things and postponing other things. I know while I'm slowly increasing my income, this will continue.
Yet, I swear I get myself sick over every postponing of anything, I stress to a point where I need a break before applying again, I intrusively overthink the reaction of the people whose payments I'm postponing, their opinion of me, or the effect of what I'm postponing on my life (like the effect of postponing therapy or health appointments and so on). It's just a lot.

I understand I didn't get myself here in a day.
Comperatively, I am better. I used to literally throw up over this feeling and shut down for days and weeks(hence getting myself in it even worse from being unable to function for that long). Now if postponing X is threatening to make me disfunctional, I try to deal by dealing with the practical first (does anyone need to be updated, do I need to renegotiate terms), then pushing it out of my mind for exact time (no freaking out until date Y) and telling myself this too will pass. But still everything with increasing income, every going to bank, every money conversation makes me anxious and sick and I still get myself in too many panic attacks feeling like I am the worst person for getting in debt. By the way, it's not so much the amount (I feel people with credit cards are able to owe a lot more), I think it's more how long it's taking me to become a functional adult being able to cope with having this debt without tearing myself with guilt. Any tips for financial stress? I am working on improving things daily and I think in comparisson to September or even November I have improved lots- but on larger scale, unless I improve a lot more, it may take me 5 years to get to a good place. This is a long time to wreck my nerves and health this much every day over every payment...

Hi SeekingAfrica, thank you for sharing. It’s nice to get to know you. I think a lot of of us understand what you’re going through. I have just recently gotten into a safe place where I can actually start healing. It looks like you’re already on the way. I’m just starting to learn about DBT. It is practicing controlling your thoughts. Redirecting the negative thoughts to positive thoughts, and letting thoughts drift away rather than hang on and become a spiral. If I’m allowed to share a link here, I would like to share a link to Get the DBT course. Free! I will wait before posting because I’m new at all these different things whether we’re allowed to or not allowed to do things and I don’t have time to look through the rules. I’ve already broken a few, but I’m learning by mistakes. Appreciating kindness and grace as I get used to the forum.

Get the DBT Course is a course with videos to explain different techniques of DBT and allow you to practice them. I’m creating a list of tools and putting these ideas in my list of tools to use to stop the spiraling. It comes through email I think two times a week. And I think there’s around 28 weeks. The best part is, it’s free! I hope this is helpful to you as you continue to move forward. Very nice to meet you and best wishes moving forward.

So I’d appreciate it if someone would let me know whether yes, I can share the link or no I can’t. Thanks!

 

[deno]

Your post landed with me. Thank you for your honesty—what you’re carrying and working through is a lot, and you put it into words in such a clear and brave way. What struck me most was how aware and intentional you are. Even though this stress feels relentless, you’re not ignoring it or letting it drive blindly. You’re checking in with yourself, adjusting course, trying to stay upright through it. That’s not small...that’s strength.

Something that helped me was hearing this metaphor recently—about “sticky hands on the steering wheel.” It described how old trauma responses can still grab the wheel in our lives today, yanking us into spirals of fear, shame, or urgency. But we can notice that grip and gently say, “I’ve got it now.” Just that—I’ve got it now—has been helping me not beat myself up for reacting, while still finding a way forward.

You mentioned feeling like you’re the worst person for being in debt. I hear that. It sounds like the shame has taken up too much space for too long. But what I see in your post isn’t failure—it’s someone navigating the long, hard road back toward stability with thoughtfulness and grit. The fact that you’re still here, still showing up to the process, even when it takes five years or more—that’s the kind of strength that doesn’t always get noticed, but I do. Keep going. You’re not wrecking your life—you’re rebuilding it.

 

[PamelaS]

Your post landed with me. Thank you for your honesty—what you’re carrying and working through is a lot, and you put it into words in such a clear and brave way. What struck me most was how aware and intentional you are. Even though this stress feels relentless, you’re not ignoring it or letting it drive blindly. You’re checking in with yourself, adjusting course, trying to stay upright through it. That’s not small...that’s strength.

Something that helped me was hearing this metaphor recently—about “sticky hands on the steering wheel.” It described how old trauma responses can still grab the wheel in our lives today, yanking us into spirals of fear, shame, or urgency. But we can notice that grip and gently say, “I’ve got it now.” Just that—I’ve got it now—has been helping me not beat myself up for reacting, while still finding a way forward.

You mentioned feeling like you’re the worst person for being in debt. I hear that. It sounds like the shame has taken up too much space for too long. But what I see in your post isn’t failure—it’s someone navigating the long, hard road back toward stability with thoughtfulness and grit. The fact that you’re still here, still showing up to the process, even when it takes five years or more—that’s the kind of strength that doesn’t always get noticed, but I do. Keep going. You’re not wrecking your life—you’re rebuilding it.

Thank you deno for all that you shared. It has helped me and I’m sure that it will help SeekingAfrica and many others. Have a great day moving forward in your healing and sharing what you’ve learned along the way.

 

[deno]

I realized that sharing—telling our stories, writing them down, saying them out loud—is part of how we gently peel our fingers free. It's how we stop driving in circles, lost in silence.

Sharing helps me see where I’ve been. It helps me think through the path just traveled. It keeps me honest, and it fulfills something deeper—maybe even a responsibility. People helped me get here, whether they knew it or not. This is how I pay it forward.

 

[PamelaS]

I realized that sharing—telling our stories, writing them down, saying them out loud—is part of how we gently peel our fingers free. It's how we stop driving in circles, lost in silence.

Sharing helps me see where I’ve been. It helps me think through the path just traveled. It keeps me honest, and it fulfills something deeper—maybe even a responsibility. People helped me get here, whether they knew it or not. This is how I pay it forward.

None of us can go it alone. Many people have helped me as well. I like to pay it forward as well and give Hope and a hand up to someone else. That’s why this site is so important. We all understand what it is to battle with PTSD/CPTSD. People on the outside don’t have a clue. But I’m so thankful that there is a place where we can meet and provide insight, wisdom experience and encouragement to one another as we all continue moving forward in our healing journey. Thank you all for everything you contribute. I don’t know where I would be without this forum.

 

[Friday]

Until you’re independently wealthy?

You’re probably going to cope badly.

Once you are independently wealthy?

You’re probably going to cope badly.

So… perhaps a better question? Is HOW TO HAVE FUN?!? Or? Be at PEACE?!? Despite your finances. Whether you have more money than god, or zero cents to your name.


***

If you had a million/billion euros to your name, could you live in a tent for a year?

Try it. For 3 months. In good weather. With months of rent in the bank. Seeeeeeriously.

Your sense of self is FAR too tied into wacky local weirdness.

Be YOU. Being you. Minus rent/bills.

What do YOU want?

^^^ Speaking as someone who has lived in places where 10,ooo EU covers a night, or several years. Seeeeeriously. Does 10k cover 12 hours or 36-52mo?

Learn to DIVORCE yourself from money = self worth.