Family Not Respecting my Boundaries

[Sideways]

You are not saying that you become more tolerant of abuse in its many forms.

No, definitely not.

I think we probably get better at using boundaries effectively to prevent abuse.

But, I don’t think your brother expressing very strong unwanted opinions is necessarily abusive. Inconsiderate, hurtful and disrespectful? Sure.

But to label that as abusive is probably more an issue of transference (very typical of us ptsder’s).

 

[SjMel]

No, definitely not.

I think we probably get better at using boundaries effectively to prevent abuse.

But, I don’t think your brother expressing very strong unwanted opinions is necessarily abusive. Inconsiderate, hurtful and disrespectful? Sure.

But to label that as abusive is probably more an issue of transference (very typical of us ptsder’s).

It's not so much the unsolicited advice but his emotional and mental abuse that comes with it when I tell him his advice is not helpful. It's his control or attempt to control me. It is his codependency that is the issue. It is his verbal assaults against me and his yelling when I tell him it's not helpful that is especially triggering. If he could just simply accept my response to his unsolicited advice and not start yelling at me and telling me that I wouldn't survive without him and make me feel like a complete failure in the process. That's the issue. Yelling at me, telling me how much I am a failure and then tell me that I need to listen to him and take his advice, you don't tear someone apart and expect any improvement. That's not love. That's not kindness. That is emotional and mental abuse. That is narcissistic abuse.

It's not so much the unsolicited advice but his emotional and mental abuse that comes with it when I tell him his advice is not helpful. It's his control or attempt to control me. It is his codependency that is the issue. It is his verbal assaults against me and his yelling when I tell him it's not helpful that is especially triggering. If he could just simply accept my response to his unsolicited advice and not start yelling at me and telling me that I wouldn't survive without him and make me feel like a complete failure in the process. That's the issue. Yelling at me, telling me how much I am a failure and then tell me that I need to listen to him and take his advice, you don't tear someone apart and expect any improvement. That's not love. That's not kindness. That is emotional and mental abuse. That is narcissistic abuse.

And I don't think he's aware of it but his lack of awareness doesn't mean I should accept it.

 

[SjMel]

I just need a little support and my family is not capable of supporting me. I don't believe they intend to hurt me but they do. Maybe I am not quite explaining myself right here. It's difficult being on the Autistic Spectrum. I often times can't quite communicate as affectively in situations. You think with Autism running deep in my family that they would be more inclined to be more accepting.

I need healthy boundaries. I need to protect myself emotionally and mentally. I also need my family but my family is not capable of understanding what I need and most, especially my brother, can't seem to want to learn from me what I need. They could easily support me if they were to ask me how they can support me. But they don't give me the time or day to even share with them what it is I need from them. Instead of working towards understanding me they just keep hurting me. I want the pain to stop. I am tired of being made to feel like a failure or made to feel like I have to be achieve something in order to gain support. Do you know what it's like to work work work in order to be accepted and welcomed only to be rejected, insulted, told you don't do enough?

To every 1000 people I reach out to in support I find maybe 1 person. Reach out for help they say but every single time I reach out for help and try to explain what help I need I find I am pushed into further isolation.

If only my family could come to me and ask me what it is I need?

When I was in my accident I was admitted to the trauma unit. I laid in my hospital bed trying not to die and my family wasn't there. I was alone in a cold hospital bed looking and feeling like I was hit by a Semi. It didn't matter that I called my sister up to tell her where I was gonna be. Truth is, my family abandoned me. They always have and they always will. They really didn't think of me until a sister of ours died. And now, after abandoning me they think they can tell me what I need when they don't know what I need. So instead of being there for me, my brother's pride gets in the way and I am yet again abandoned and rejected. What I need is human connection not a lecture on what I am doing wrong when they have no clue what it is I am even doing.

Painful reality is, I got nobody ... I am alone in this world ...

I have nothing to give. I need support. My family needs support. They can't support me even if they wanted to. If my brother really did care for me he might have a little motivation to be kind towards me and have compassion and empathy but he's got none of that. He's not too hard done by either. He has a wife he emotionally and mentally abuses as he mocks her singing and tells her how she doesn't add up. It sounds like narcissistic abuse if you ask me. I don't know. All I know is that I love my brother and there might be no hope of any reconciliation because if there is he's gotta learn to take a step back and stop emotionally and mentally abusing me because he thinks I don't do what he thinks I should do. He doesn't know what I am doing because he doesn't stop long enough to find out. He likes to hear himself talk because he knows best and everyone else is useless and hopeless without him.

 

[deno]

It was recently my birthday and my twin brother didn't respond to the three messages I sent him wishing him a happy birthday. I did block him because he was reacting negatively to my expressed boundaries. I am having a hard time with this because I didn't want to cut off all communication with him but it would seem like his attitude is that he wants free reign to continue to treat me in a way that is harmful or not be part of my life at all. So I guess that's that then. He will continue to feel like he is the victim when all I ask of him is stop hurting me and stop giving his unsolicited advice.

My family hasn't ever made an attempt to sit with me and journey with me for 20 years. For almost 20 years they haven't had me over or done anything for me on my birthday. An older sister of mine recently died because of a heart condition. Same heart condition I have. And now my other sister decides to make an effort to have some kind of family dinner. She was gonna have a birthday cake with candles and all that. I felt weird. I told her, I can't remember the last time I had a birthday cake with candles on it so I'd prefer there to not be any candles on the cake.

I would have much preferred my family to reach out to me a little more then what they have over the last 20 years. It was like I didn't even exist much. I was an afterthought. I still sorta feel like an afterthought that it took one of my sister's to die before they made an effort to have me in their life. And now they think they can give me advice on how I should live my life!? I think not. They don't know what I am going through or what helps me and their helping is actually more harmful then good. My brother seems to only understand one thing ... that he should be allowed to give me advice and I should just accept it and if I can't then he can't be part of my life. His wife told me that I can't dictate how people act. I certainly can dictate on how people should treat me. I need to protect myself emotionally and mentally. And my brother doesn't know how to be any different. It's like his understanding is that my acceptance of him is equated to my acceptance of his advice and it doesn't work that way.

So the more I exercise boundaries the more people reject me and walk away and the more alone and isolated I am. That too is just as equally not healthy. I can't afford much counseling. What I do currently have is limited. Right now what therapy I have is EMDR therapy which is about to begin next week. I also have a structured sibling loss support group.

I am tired. I am fatigued. I have chest pains all the time which is part of my heart condition. Maybe once I am placed on the appropriate medication. One cardiologist might recommend an Implantable Cardioverter Defibrillator which is a combination of a pacemaker and an AED device to shock my heart if my arrhythmia becomes life threatening. It's only a matter of time when it will. Maybe if I am placed on medication that will help. I believe my cardiologists wants to confirm that my condition is genetic and not acquired because that will make a difference in how I will be treated. I have to wait another 2 - 3 months for the genetic test results to come back.

I am going through so much right now.

I haven't been able to work since my accident. I am currently receiving workers compensation benefits and fighting the system to get PTSD listed as an injury received from the accident. I have a legal advocate that believes I have a good case. My sister's husband is going to help me gain access to Private Care which will speed up the process to get my official diagnosis. With this, it might be just a matter of time before my Vocational Rehabilitation Worker will start demanding I am sent for retraining. And if that happens before they consider my mental health condition that has been negatively impacted from my accident I might get kicked off workers compensation and then I will have to fight to get on disability. It's extremely hard to get approved for disability. One thing I do know is that I don't have the capacity to work. I am not functional at home. My place is an absolute disaster. I need to somehow gain the strength and motivation to clean my apartment but I can barely function right now. And all I need from my family is to understand that their treatment of me negatively impacts me and it's not difficult to stop giving unsolicited advice. It's not difficult to take a step back when somebody you love tells you that a certain behavior is harmful or not helpful. My brother doesn't understand this so I have lost my brother. And both him and his wife blame me. They seem to think that I should just be accepting of his unsolicited unhelpful and harmful advice. They don't understand that I am doing everything I can so it hurts when they tell me that I am not doing enough when they don't have a clue what I am doing or how my health has been negatively impacted. I have been in bed for the better part of an entire year. I also have a heart condition which is making my recovery that much more difficult. My brother has the same heart condition but he can also still go for hikes and enjoy the fresh air in the mountains that are close by. Meanwhile, I have an extremely hard time walking to and from the grocery store a block away and I am scared to push myself too much because if I push myself too much I run the risk of developing a life threatening heart arrhythmia and the medication I am taking places me at risk of developing a fatal heart arrhythmia so I can't do as much as he can physically and the symptoms I have related to PTSD makes it that much more difficult.

My other sister felt guilty pushing our deceased sister. So she's not pushing me. My brother hasn't learned that lesson. I can only do so much. And I need for those who genuinely care for me to know and understand where I am limited and where I am not limited. I am tired of people treating me like I am mentally slow. I am not mentally slow. I struggle socially but I am not mentally slow. They just need to maybe start listening to me more and get to know me because right now they don't know me.

The price you pay when you start expressing your boundaries. Maybe one day I will meet people who will respect my boundaries. Until then, healing is a very lonely place for me.

Reading this, I can feel just how much you're carrying right now. It’s exhausting when the people who should care the most about you refuse to listen, minimize your struggles, and make you feel like the problem for simply asking to be treated with respect. You’re not wrong for setting boundaries—you’re protecting yourself, and that’s what you should be doing. It hurts that your family would rather blame you than adjust their behavior, and I’m sorry you’re experiencing that.

I also hear how incredibly lonely this all feels. You want to be understood, to have people who actually see you—not just their version of you that makes them comfortable. That loneliness is real, and it’s heavy, but I truly believe that people exist who will respect you without conditions.

I’ve lived through some of what you’re describing. I lost people when I set boundaries—family, professional connections, even friends. The more I stood up for myself, the more I became the one people blamed. It was painful, and there were times I felt like I had no one.

But I can tell you this: it gets better. The people who left made space for peace. The isolation didn’t last forever. And eventually, I reached a point where I didn’t need their validation anymore.

Healing can be a lonely road, but it won’t always be this way. Right now, you are doing something so important—you are putting yourself first, and even though it’s painful, that is how real healing happens. You deserve to be around people who listen, who don’t make you feel like you’re ‘too much,’ and who don’t see boundaries as rejection but as a healthy part of relationships.

I hope your EMDR therapy and support group bring you some relief in all of this. And I hope you remind yourself daily: You are not the problem. You are protecting yourself. And one day, you will be surrounded by people who respect that. Until then, know that you are not alone.

 

[Charbella]

I think you’re doing a great job of explaining yourself. I think the responses you’re getting are more about how PTSD does this to all of us, but it’s like the saying you can’t get blood from a turnip. I can squeeze it, juice it, whatever but it’s a turnip so it’s never going to produce blood.

I never meant to give the impression that you shouldn’t put up boundaries and expect to be treated well. I get that you need your families support. However some people aren’t going to give you what you need. It’s frustrating. I’m sure it feels like your autism is a big part of this. It probably isn’t. I have ADHD and that plays a part in my story. However it doesn’t change that no matter how much we want or expect or need something, you can’t make people give it. Your family may never be able to step up and help, they might. Lots of this on this website have had to come to the conclusion that our family of origin is not helpful. It makes for a lonely journey so I’m sorry if this is true of your family.

 

[SjMel]

Reading this, I can feel just how much you're carrying right now. It’s exhausting when the people who should care the most about you refuse to listen, minimize your struggles, and make you feel like the problem for simply asking to be treated with respect. You’re not wrong for setting boundaries—you’re protecting yourself, and that’s what you should be doing. It hurts that your family would rather blame you than adjust their behavior, and I’m sorry you’re experiencing that.

I also hear how incredibly lonely this all feels. You want to be understood, to have people who actually see you—not just their version of you that makes them comfortable. That loneliness is real, and it’s heavy, but I truly believe that people exist who will respect you without conditions.

I’ve lived through some of what you’re describing. I lost people when I set boundaries—family, professional connections, even friends. The more I stood up for myself, the more I became the one people blamed. It was painful, and there were times I felt like I had no one.

But I can tell you this: it gets better. The people who left made space for peace. The isolation didn’t last forever. And eventually, I reached a point where I didn’t need their validation anymore.

Healing can be a lonely road, but it won’t always be this way. Right now, you are doing something so important—you are putting yourself first, and even though it’s painful, that is how real healing happens. You deserve to be around people who listen, who don’t make you feel like you’re ‘too much,’ and who don’t see boundaries as rejection but as a healthy part of relationships.

I hope your EMDR therapy and support group bring you some relief in all of this. And I hope you remind yourself daily: You are not the problem. You are protecting yourself. And one day, you will be surrounded by people who respect that. Until then, know that you are not alone.

Thank you

I think you’re doing a great job of explaining yourself. I think the responses you’re getting are more about how PTSD does this to all of us, but it’s like the saying you can’t get blood from a turnip. I can squeeze it, juice it, whatever but it’s a turnip so it’s never going to produce blood.

I never meant to give the impression that you shouldn’t put up boundaries and expect to be treated well. I get that you need your families support. However some people aren’t going to give you what you need. It’s frustrating. I’m sure it feels like your autism is a big part of this. It probably isn’t. I have ADHD and that plays a part in my story. However it doesn’t change that no matter how much we want or expect or need something, you can’t make people give it. Your family may never be able to step up and help, they might. Lots of this on this website have had to come to the conclusion that our family of origin is not helpful. It makes for a lonely journey so I’m sorry if this is true of your family.

Thank you

 

[SjMel]

Well I got some good news and I think I might have just had a win with my brother.

He did wish me a happy birthday as best he could with his understanding. The other day he sent me a message asking him if I knew what time of day we were born.

I then said ...
Well, it would have been nice to start with a happy birthday

He responded back "I did ... with that Starbucks gift card"

And in response to him understanding my reactions at the time. I said "ok, my bad, sorry"

And then responded...
"You were born at 07:00
I was born at 07:01
And it was on a Tuesday"

He forwards me some sort of stuff with personality stuff and it's against my religion to seek out stuff for me through that but to each their own. I responded back with "well, if all of that is helping you that's great" to which he starts saying how it would benefit me etc etc. I told him I was trying to avoid saying this but guess I have to, "it's against my religion" he then tries to start up a debate. I told him I was not going to get into a debate with him.

He pipes up for a second time to which I responded simply with

"you do you boo"

And that conversation was able to progress into a more civil conversation. We didn't get into an argument. I found a way to affectively communicate my boundaries with him and he respected them. I'm not sure how I managed that... Was it when I said "you do you boo"? I don't know but either way lines of communication are open and so far boundaries have been respected and he made greater effort to listen without trying to control me and I voiced my boundaries without trying to control his reaction.

I am happy with the outcome here