Seeking advice & thanks all x : CPTSD, Relationship Boundaries, and Trauma

[debsdorw]

Hi all,

I'm a newbie, I found this site following a Google search today on blinking following a stressful morning. Ive been diagnosed with cptsd, and learning more about myself and my life since this. I've always suffered with hypervigilence, fight flight freeze, and deregulation of emotions, and was advised it stemmed from my childhood traumas, and abusive marriage.

Last year I suffered what was explained as flashbacks and then collapsed, ending up in hospital, it came from a memory that hit me when changing my bed sheets out of the blue, about a sexual assault by my dad. It was not entirely clear but I became dizzy, fogged, slurring, unable to move and just fell on the floor, it physically hit me from nowhere. I am not entirely sure if the event happened, as I dread to think it did however I have learnt that the body stores this and mind protects, its like my mind wants to ignore it and pretend, but my body knew and floored me.

I have huge issues with my current relationship, as I have been learning about manipulation, abuse and boundaries, my current partner has no boundaries and is disrespectful, and can be manipulative to get his own way. I have been working on installing my boundaries but he pushes them and disregards them, makes passive aggressive comments and when I get to the point where I've tried all my coping mechanisms, my fight or flight kicks in, today I needed to fight, stand up for my boundaries when I did I was call angry, told there is something seriously wrong with me (he knows ive been diagnosed with cptsd) and that my reactions are not founded. I asserted myself and he ignored it, made passive comments and digs, I sadly let myself down and reacted, he then did it more and I flicked to wanting to run away, and get away from him, I then went into disassociate, and switched off, went in to robot mode, asked him to leave for good.

This is when the blinking started after the event, I then felt exhausted and slept for 3 hrs. I am so hurt that ive been called mental basically and told ive got something wrong with me. I feel scared to react, or say anything for being labelled this. I try to calmly respond and be boundary led, I try to regulate myself but it just goes out the window.

I'm so lost right now and I dont know where to turn, I wondered if anyone could give me some advice or direction, guidance with this. Thanks all x

 

[Movingforward10]

Thats a lot to deal with.
memories coming back. Being in hospital because of them. Working those memories out. Communicating in your relationship. Working out if your relationship is healthy or not (from both sides?). The seeming end of the relationship.
no wonder you’re exhausted.
do you have a therapist?

do you have grounding techniques that help in moments of criss?

do you have a friend to talk things through?

this site is great for getting support.
what bit of advice or support do you want?

 

[debsdorw]

Ive been recommended to count a colour in the room and touch material to bring me back down and ground me, so rubbing the sofa and describing what I feel. I walk away to calm my emotions but when I return to the conversation calmer, it starts again and I feel my emotions coming again. I feel stuck and unable to break this, I know around others im calm able to function, able to communicate calmly, maintain relationships but this one doesn't seem to work basically. Its as if ita deliberately designed to trigger my emotions and lead me to that place where I lose myself, and then get told there is something seriously wrong with me. Thank you, I've friends but im withdrawing and isolating, I also feel im being excluded from this friendship group, so im just doing my own thing and trying to heal and learn, no therapist as I cannot afford this and the waiting list locally is long for free support. Im trying to find other avenues of support now for myself x