"The other person" in a CPTSD relationship

[Anon1]

Hey guys,

I had a little knock back after finding out my ex with CPTSD is engaged to another guy, five/six or so months after saying she'd like to get back together with me.

I will get over that and move forward again, but while chewing things over, I had a thought and I wondered if anyone has any insight into it.

I wondered if my ex ever *really* saw me as a separate person, and I wondered if this would be a symptom of some people's CPTSD?

I threaded some things together, which might be drawing links where none exist, but they are:

- Talking about manipulation a lot - when she first kissed me, she muttered into my ear something about her 'manipulative girlish ways', which I thought was a strange joke or quirky pillow talk at the time(!) She also told me 'I could manipulate the sh*t out of you to move here, but I wont...'. And made jokes about her dad being wrapped around her finger etc.

- She made off the cuff comments now and then, saying things like 'I love that you're like my Ken doll that I can dress you up in different clothes when we go shopping, and you'll just wear them' (Which was strange, because we'd never been clothes shopping, and I'm actually quite particular about what I wear...)

- She was desperate for kids, and one of the main reasons she gave (possibly the only one actually) was 'they regulate me'.

- She said that in her younger years, she wanted kids but didn't want a husband - and only wanted to marry because you needed a man to have a child (she said "later I realised that it would be nice to have a husband too").

- A few weeks before we broke up, she said "I think I'd like to date other guys because I'm not sure what I want in a man". I told her I understood, but that I'd also be dating other girls if she did that. She was shocked, and immediately retracted the statement. Later she said "When you said that, I realised I didn't want it." - But I was amazed she was surprised... as though she expected me to just kinda... be 'on pause' while she did what she liked...

There was more than that too - just... general behaviours... general expectations... ways of relating... I didn't realise at the time exactly what it was, but now I wonder if she saw me as separate to her; or as an extension of her, there to fulfill her needs.


Further to that... I still find it so hard to understand how she can be so devoted to her faith... and have the qualities of genuine humility (she once asked an older lady at church what to look for in a husband, and the lady replied "Don't look for the charismatic man at a party, look for the one who stops to put the chairs away at the end of the night"). She journaled a lot, and studied her Bible... she had all these notes in it, underlined and highlighted...


There were things about her that were so easy to fall for... I sometimes wondered if they were performative, or mixed in with selfish motives... but I can't believe that they ALWAYS were...


Well... just wondered if anyone has any perspective on this.


[I may delete this post in a few days - I don't like the idea that she might stumble across it one day - it's more specific to us than some of my previous posts have been]

 

[Friday]

I’ve had 3 men ask to marry me, seriously, only after a day or so. 6 after a week. A few others her and there…but loooong before your ex got engaged. One of them? The blink & seize? After a few minutes. I DID eventually say yes to him. I said no to all the others. Also to him the first IDFK how many times. I’d just be being me, being completely normal, and he’d light up and demand I marry him. And then he was killed, before we could. And I’ve missed him, ever since.

You take it as an insult, a sting, a betrayal… how “quickly” she moved on from you.

Don’t.

The MOMENT you broke up? Your paths diverged, your lives diverged.

Clinging to her actions as a reflection of YOU? Is simply incorrect. Understandable, as you still care for her, and are tangled up over losing her… but wrong. Her life, her choices, right or wrong or somewhere in between? Have. Nothing. To. Do. With. You. They don’t reflect on you, much less define anything about you.

If you’re up hung up on tHe timing? 5 months? Try 5 years, 5 decades, 5 days, 5 minutes. The TIMING of someone else’s choices? Is all about them. Not you.

 

[Anon1]

I’ve had 3 men ask to marry me, seriously, only after a day or so. 6 after a week. A few others her and there…but loooong before your ex got engaged. One of them? The blink & seize? After a few minutes. I DID eventually say yes to him. I said no to all the others. Also to him the first IDFK how many times. I’d just be being me, being completely normal, and he’d light up and demand I marry him. And then he was killed, before we could. And I’ve missed him, ever since.

You take it as an insult, a sting, a betrayal… how “quickly” she moved on from you.

Don’t.

The MOMENT you broke up? Your paths diverged, your lives diverged.

Clinging to her actions as a reflection of YOU? Is simply incorrect. Understandable, as you still care for her, and are tangled up over losing her… but wrong. Her life, her choices, right or wrong or somewhere in between? Have. Nothing. To. Do. With. You. They don’t reflect on you, much less define anything about you.

If you’re up hung up on tHe timing? 5 months? Try 5 years, 5 decades, 5 days, 5 minutes. The TIMING of someone else’s choices? Is all about them. Not you.

Aye, this is helpful you know (sorry to hear about your fiance - that must be super hard).

I think it just stirred things up again - I guess I felt like I'd dealt with it more than I maybe had.

And the way she treated me, and the fact that he threatened me... y'know - whatever, it happens.

I don't want either of them to be miserable forever now.

But it would've felt fairer somehow if I wasn't picturing them all loved up and happy at the end of what was - for me - one of the hardest seasons in recent life.

I struggle to square with it - you sort of think... if someone was genuinely behaving irresponsibly to you, that their irresponsibility will - at least - lead to some life lesson for them, or whatever.

Not that it'll lead to this big reward.

*sigh*, well - I've done my allotted whining for the afternoon now... off to work I go!

(Ps - I take your point. I'll remember it in the coming days!)

 

[Sweetpea76]

The way she treated you does not sound like a PTSD thing, in my opinion. That sounds like personality, or personality disorders. If so, YOU are the lucky one to escape that with most of your mental health in tact instead of a lifetime of that kind of manipulation.

 

[Anon1]

The way she treated you does not sound like a PTSD thing, in my opinion. That sounds like personality, or personality disorders. If so, YOU are the lucky one to escape that with most of your mental health in tact instead of a lifetime of that kind of manipulation.

Aye, thank you!

I appreciate your perspective and the validation.

If I'm totally honest, I've really struggled with this.

I don't like feeling as though I'm 'whining on the internet about an ex' - this forum is an amazing resource, but it's not like her and I are even together now.

It feels like it just had a really deep impact somehow.

I think I've generally done okay at moving forward, but months later, I still feel a bit jittery under the surface.

I still get into a headspace where I'll see the situation entirely from her perspective, think I treated her badly, and then remember that

"Oh wait - no - it was just that I ended up feeling entirely responsible for her moods; and I had to tiptoe carefully around all her triggers, while she treated me however she wanted."

But it's ridiculous how your brain can go into "I'm ashamed and at fault for everything" mode - just accepting the other person's narrative of you, when you know it's totally false.

That skewed perspective where it all revolves around the other person... it really messes with your perception of things.

I find myself questioning my perception of normal interactions now, and I almost feel like I'm expecting girls (especially) to act in ways that I don't anticipate or understand.

I still go through phases of ruminating...

I've just never given so much in a relationship before... to someone who said she needed it because of some horrific trauma... but who also left me feeling totally wrongfooted, and unable to tell up from down, and (in some cases) right from wrong... I mean - I've had to go back and piece it all together again to work out what the heck actually happened.

I look back now and don't even recognise the person I was behaving like back then... it seems crazy now.

And I feel I've run into something that I'd rather not know about the world - that some people will just... do things, and it'll be random, and arbitrary, and hard to
make sense of, and painful.

Some of my friends are really awesome about it, quite a few don't really get it, I don't think... because this doesn't feel like a normal break up to me.

Anyway - sorry for the rant.

I know I'll get over this.

I'm continuing to study in her city, and I'm determined to turn the crap off from last school year, and write a new chapter here.

I'll overcome all of it, I just... needed to get things off my chest here... it's been hard!

[Of course, people go through *way* worse than I have... it's just... this is my first time, and it's been very eye opening...!!]

 

[Anon1]

Tell you what it is -

It's the feeling of going into something with good intentions and no expectations (I didn't want to 'save her' or whatever - just to date her) -

And then suddenly being exposed to a ton of things you have no experience in, and then coming out of it like:

"That MUST have been my fault... she's ill... But IS she ill? And how ill? And what was malicious, and what wasn't? And did she do it on purpose? And if not, why did it sometimes feel so deliberate? And What was me being an idiot? And what was a misunderstanding? Is it ALL me?"

And why did I let her mix me up completely, and then let her blame me for it? It makes no sense.

And the looking back and swinging between feeling like it WAS all me, and then realising like "Actually no... it mostly wasn't me at all!"

 

[hypervigilant]

Just my few pennies worth but she sounds like she has narcissistic tendencies and wanted to pick you up and put you down and was shocked that you had wishes of your own.
After a relationship with a narcissist it's natural to feel confused and disorientated as the reality of the relationship doesn't fit with what you thought it was.
Also feeling shame is extremely common after the relationship breaks down. Be aware nothing is your fault it's just what they do.
I feel you've had a lucky escape

 

[Anon1]

Just my few pennies worth but she sounds like she has narcissistic tendencies and wanted to pick you up and put you down and was shocked that you had wishes of your own.
After a relationship with a narcissist it's natural to feel confused and disorientated as the reality of the relationship doesn't fit with what you thought it was.
Also feeling shame is extremely common after the relationship breaks down. Be aware nothing is your fault it's just what they do.
I feel you've had a lucky escape

Thanks for the reply!

Yeah, you might be right.

The term 'narcissist' has become so trendy these days, that I was previously very wary of applying that term (I guess I still am), but it possibly fits the way things were.

Having said that, I feel *way* stronger in myself now.

Jeez, it took some time... I felt like I'd never piece it together.

Now, I feel as though... y'know... whereas it'd be interesting to know what actually happened there... the most important thing is that I know it wasn't for me.

I've done a lot of self-work, and I feel better now than when I went into the relationship - stronger, more mature, more grounded... more aware of my needs, and more comfortable with protecting and meeting those needs...

I do occasionally miss her, or have days where the pain of what happened still stings (actually, usually it's the latter of those than the former).

I have days now and then where my feelings are catching up with my mind, and the confusion can make me go "What the heeeell was THAT all about...??"

But by and large, I'm way better and actually feel like I'm doing pr-etty good!

As a measure of that progress - the other day, the fact that her new boyfriend threatened me popped into my head and I actually laughed a bit, and thought "Well... I feel like I won, because I actually escaped the whole thing, and got totally clear of her!"

I don't mean to be immature there, but it was liberating.

The next step - I guess - is to move to a place where I feel completely neutral and forget about her.
I think I'm starting to see signs of that, but I guess it'll take just a little more time.

It's helped to have a great therapist who actually seems to understand these dynamics in the way that my last one didn't (my last one used to say things like "You ought to commit to her more, so that she feels more secure around you" etc, rather than saying "Don't commit more until she shows she's safe - and set boundaries!!!")