Family Visiting Creates Incredible Anxiety

[want2cope]

Sometimes what God gives us as "family" is not the definition of what family really is. I don't go around mine. I found friends treat me better than family ever did. Make your own "friend family" and leave your God given one to their own mess. That's just the way I feel about things. Good luck to you. You are not alone.

 

[Eleanor]

So basically, you are totally fine without them. One day seems like it should be manageable. Maybe you could pick them up late and then ... throw up at 4 pm or something.:D I don't suppose there is any way to rent them a car and then not tell them about the driving on the other side of the road thing...:devilish:

Anyway, keep your flak jacket handy on June 6.

I would (seriously now) make it a point to mention to anyone important to you that they are likely to come into contact with that they are "a bit off" or "peculiar." That way they can't make trouble for you, which they are likely to do once they see that you have "failed" them and become well liked and successful. (What, after all, does that make them? Ah, we know...)

Another fun coping strategy you could try: If you expect them to be perfectly horrible (and make it a joke with your wife - what awful hurtful thing could they say about THIS? ) then if they are merely polite it will seem like a rousing success, and if they don't land any solid blows, it will be a bit disappointing that you imagined so much "higher" a standard for them:confused:. This is what we did with my cousin's hypercritical FIL - he came to visit in San Diego and at one point opined that "the palm trees are too tall.":roflmao: My cousin snorted his soda out his nose. Honestly, it became a cliche with us, and we got no end of amusement out of it. "Is that the BEST he could do? The *palm trees*?"

 

[Overwhelmed]

I do expect nitpicking because that is what my family does but I just have to be ready for it. My wife and inlaws are well aware of them and quite frankly they are as sarcastic as you could get so it really should be amusing. I am not going to make any bold statements saying I will handle the situation. I will trust my wife and family here for support and let them have their say if that is what is required. I really am just going to be polite and see how it turns out. I am feeling stronger. I like all of your comments here and they have helped me realize it is all retarded and I should just chill out. They are the ones in unfamilar territory and out of their comfort level. My inaws do not cater to dysfunction so they are out of luck on that one. I think it is funny about the palm trees, Eleanor. My wife sarcastically said to my sister once who was surprised that she wanted a cup of tea. My wife said, "Wow, an English person who desires a cup of tea!" Apparently my sister went away with an attitude.

 

[PerfectlyFlawed]

Yes this is a tough situation. I have known a few people over the years who have abandoned there own families. Sometimes the ones closest to us can do the most damage!

Good Luck,
-PerfectlyFlawed.

 

[lil_fighter]

I'm a Londoner and I am happy that you live here in England well away from them but totally understand the feeling of obligation when they visit, that you have to stay in touch and the questions of 'why do you do it to yourself?' coming from your wife and the way that you probably don't have a straight answer as to why you still see them but you could write a long list of reasons not to be in touch with them yet that one unknown unclear reason of why you do keep in touch seems to override all those reasons to cut contact. I know where you are coming from.

You thinking of paying for the taxi from Heathrow is you being normal (and very generous), you being a caring family member - despite the way they have treated you it is not 'natural' for you to stoop to their level and to be cold or cruel towards them. That in itself, whilst it is good for them to take advantage, shows a quality in yourself that you need to acknowledge - you are a good person, better than they will ever be and they do not deserve to be related to someone like you and therefore gievn the treatment and the abuse you really really owe them nothing at all and THEY do not deserve to be in contact with someone like you.

Everytime they visit you, everytime they speak to you on the phone or have an insight into your life they are attempting to creepily keep the control going (something that is unspoken between them and you) but at the same time it is gradually erasing the 'evidence' of the way they have treated you in the past....they can say 'well, we haven't done anything to you..if we had..why would you be speaking to us, letting us stay over at yours?' It is a crafty game. Don't beat yourself up for letting it happen up until now, as I said you are a normal, good person and you have behaved normally. But, you can chose not to play their games anymore as it normalises the way they are...they are not normal and I really do understand that is a lot easier said than done to cut contact, I get that totally.

My dad is abusive and his family are too, I met the whole lot of them when I was 17 they were all abusive in their own ways and tried to make me feel grateful for knowing them but would be emotionally and mentally abusive..my dad is the main narcissist and I woke up to their treatment after many attempts to speak to them and to be nice to them, buy them gifts, think of them often send them things in the post to keep in touch..then I stopped. I realised..then they started saying cruel things about me as if I was 'not normal'. I avoided them, then stupidly got back in contact - they made me apologise for losing touch saying I was 'very English' and cold by 'forgetting them'. Then...I wised up totally and stopped making that effort. My life picked up, I made good friends, started travelling..all those things some of them were influenced by and tried to get a piece of the action but I ignored them...then, I met a nice guy...woah, that is their biggest fear ever! Suddenly the nastiest aunt pathetically commented on my photo 'trés jolie' (very pretty) the other day, why? because she sees that it might be serious with this guy and because in my dad's culture they are so family orientated..they would hate hate hate it if I had my own family one day, separate from them..wow what a threat and even worse, I might tell people about their treatment, shock horror.

Strangely, I'm still in touch with my father (who is constantly cruel) and I don't know why I do it but I do...so I understand your situation in that respect. I'm 23 now and I know this has to stop. You know you have to stop too, but you don't know how to start.

How was the visit? Let us know how it went and whether it has helped you to make a decision as to what to do.