Family :(

[BoN-bOn]

I'm learning more and more each day that I may have to step away from my entire family through this process. As much as it hurts, I have to learn who I really am, and stop the cycle of being their puppet on a string. :( A very good friend/counselor who worked with me a lot after my abusive marriage told me tonight that, "When one person within a dysfunctional family gets better and tries to change their role within the family, the rest of the family works even harder to put them back in their place." I don't think I've heard a truer statement.

Both of my sisters and my Dad are working against me instead of trying to help me. They continue to tell me how to feel and think, bully me into telling them what happened to me when I was younger, & try to blame me for it. They make me feel weak & demean me for getting therapy saying that I'm just using it as an excuse or trying to get attention. I wish that were the case. :cry: Little sister has had enough!!!

On a positive note, I'm thankful for this site, my therapy, and the very few people who understand me & know the REAL me, not the "me" that I've had to pretend to be for so many years in order to keep everyone happy.

 

[Ironlady]

Hon, I cut off my toxic parents and as a result alienated myself from everyone in my family. It is horribly difficult and you will grieve but I can also say it was the best decision I ever made. I'm so sorry for what you are going through and the lack of support. Hugs to you!! Xx

 

[BoN-bOn]

@Ironlady it is very difficult without support, but I would rather find support from people who want to understand me and build me up than from those who would rather keep me feeling helpless and defenseless. I'm trying to get STRONGER....not break into a million pieces and that is exactly how their "help" makes me feel! & I AM ALLOWED to have feelings. Thanks for the hugs! :hug:

 

[MissInvisible]

I know how you feel. I'm in a situation where cutting them out of my life would probably be the best thing for my recovery. But my parents are getting older and I don't know if I could live with the guilt if something were to happen to them. My family is very enmeshed, live in the same small town within 6 miles of each other, and very much up in each other's business. How do you cut someone out of your life in that situation? I can't move out of town because my children and husband won't leave.

@BoN-bOn, I get it about them wanting to keep you in old roles. Been trying for years to get free. I hope we both can do it!

 

[BoN-bOn]

I know how you feel. I'm in a situation where cutting them out of my life would probably be the b...

I'm the same way...My Dad doesn't live here (I left the state to get away from him), but my sisters & I all live in the same town very close together. When I moved here, I thought it would be great to be close to them, but I think it opened up a whole new set of wounds for me & I've realized how truly dysfunctional our family has always been! We can do it!! Your name, "miss invisible" is exactly how I've felt most of my life...now that I'm trying to get help to deal with things, everyone wants to be in my business???

 

[Ironlady]

We all lived within a few miles of each other. But I did it anyway. My parents respected my wishes. But it came down to a life or death situation. Being wrapped up in anymore of that and I wasn't going to make it. You can do it regardless. My parents are older too and I won't lie there is and was huge guilt there... my mom passed away three days after I reached out to reconcile.. I didn't get to. that was horrible.. but I still wouldn't change the decision I made. sometimes even separating temporarily until you gain more solid footing is doable but it takes some moxie to stand up to them and set healthy boundaries.

 

[MissInvisible]

We all lived within a few miles of each other. But I did it anyway. My parents respected my wishes. Bu...

Your post was very powerful for me. Wow. You did it! And to still feel solid in your choice after losing your mom speaks volumes to me. Thank you for sharing that. I hope I can get there one day soon. @BoN-bOn, I hope this encouraged you, as well. We can do this!

 

[Ironlady]

Your post was very powerful for me. Wow. You did it! And to still feel solid in your choice after...

Aww.. it can be done!! If it's truly what you know to be the best thing it can be done. I won't lie. It's hard but I started living my life and finding out who I was after I did that. It wasn't until I did that did I even know how much they were controlling me. It's a very difficult decision.. and after I did it I had several months of serious grieving and fear.. I pissed off SO MANY PEOPLE! but slowly things got better. I won't lie I was in a bad ugly place for awhile but I would do it again in a heartbeat.

You are all stronger than you think you are.. the only thing I would recommend is before doing it try to be sure even if it is just one person you have a supporter in your corner. Much love to you sweethearts! :hug:

 

[BoN-bOn]

That is the point I am at right now @Ironlady ...if I don't break away from the control, I won't make it. I will NEVER heal, & will continue down this same path of self-destruction & hate to even imagine where that will lead me. I don't want to hurt anyone...even the ones who have seriously hurt me! I just want control of my own life and my feelings. Thank you for your encouragement! Both of you! @MissInvisible , @Ironlady !

 

[Ironlady]

That is the point I am at right now @Ironlady ...if I don't break away from the cont...

I didn't want to hurt them either.. I dearly loved them.. despite everything.. but there comes a point where you have to individualize yourself.. you have to protect yourself, you have to love yourself enough to do what's best and that's very hard to do especially if you are the type that tries to make everyone else happy like I did. Big hugs to you

 

[Freedomfighter]

I'm learning more and more each day that I may have to step away from my entire family through this pro...

Yes, you are right on...
"When one person within a dysfunctional family gets better and tries to change their role within the family, the rest of the family works even harder to put them back in their place." I don't think I've heard a truer statement.

That is typical abusive behavior, the abuser wanting to put you back into a place where he or she can control you and I would have never ever believed how far an abuser goes and how many lies he or she will tell in order to attempt to achieve that.

I had to let go of my entire family, including my brother because none of them are even taking my allegations seriously. That is not the way for me to heal: I have to move forward with the knowledge that I will only be together with people who acknowledge what happened and who are demonstrating to me, (no, not just talking about it), really demonstrating to me that what they say they also mean.

It took a complete stranger to show me what real caring is.... one of the very few people I trust.

Yes, it is incredibly painful to let go of your family, very tough, but you will be on the path of healing afterwards.

 

[Shortie]

I'm learning more and more each day that I may have to step away from my entire family through this pro...

Hi hun,

I wanted to say that I cut my mum out of my life on with a sister. My nan disowned me, my mum did ect. I didn't do anything wrong.

All I did was to seek help for my PTSD. They didn't want it getting out that they are a nasty family.

I was abused in more ways than one.

I feel guilty in one way for this but not in another. I haven't spoken to music over a year and I feel better for it.

I am a little messed up at the moment so don't know how to take a lot in but am getting help and seeing how it goes xxx