I know how you feel, honestly. I lived without my father being in my life for 12 years, before moving countries to see him when I was around 13. I found out who he was and he's the cause of my trauma and issues up to the current date. My life was ruined even before I met him for real, my childhood was so messed up in regards to father figures and such. So, I hate him with a vengence and I hate this day. I don't know what I feel on this day, I just feel empty and it seems to spiral into a pit of emotions for the day and lasts for a couple days whilst I seem to sleep it all off.
To be honest, I just feel jealous when I walk around town on Father's Day and see kids and their fathers or pictures of fathers and kids smiling and laughing and genuinely having a nice relationship. In most ways I feel happy for them and I understand that not all fathers (and men) are cruel and such likem my own father which does help me and my thought process. But anyway, I tend to stay inside all day during Father's Day. Instead of getting intrusive memories and the occasional trigger whilst being out, I'd rather stay in and stay confused over my feelings.. I would say it's easier but in all honesty, I really just don't know about today. I get such a weird mix of emotions (emptiness, loneliness, and just numbness).
I hope you're alright and I hope everyone who feels similarly about Father's day had an okay day.
