Favors

[Casey_03]

Does anyone else have a problem with people offering favors and trying to help? I am guessing that most sufferers are skeptical of people selflessly wanting to help ... I know I am. I had a hellish day yesterday dealing with maternity hospitals and today a female acquaintance saved the day and put me in touch with a doctor who will help me. She told him I am her cousin so that the doctor will have incentive to give me extra good treatment -- very clever and effective in a corrupt country like this. I don't know this girl very well but know that she has given birth before and is generally very empathetic to any woman who is struggling, but I can't help but feel uneasy about her helping me, as if this now means I will be expected to return the favor in some way or another. Am I the only one with this really jaded thinking? Does anyone else get weirded out by people you don't know very well trying to help?

 

[mary1979]

From one Mother to another, I would do exactly the same for you regardless of how well we knew each other.
Thats just how it works.

But given your current location and recent experiences I can totally understand your hesitance and lack of trust.
Unfortunately it would seem you dont have many options at the moment though, and anything to relieve some of the pressure needs to be accepted graciously.

 

[Changing4Best]

Folks around here know I don't own a car nor do I drive due to disabilities. They often offer me rides. I am grateful for this and thank them, even if I already have a ride. You never know when you will need something and there will be no one to help you, even if you ask for help! I'd say that as long as you feel the person offering is trustworthy, take the help that is offered.

There is also this "pay it forward" idea that has come of late. Folks will say, I am helping you now, so when someone else needs help in the future and you can offer it to them, please do so. It is a lovely concept. One that I wish were more widely used. It is a way of saying that you don't owe ME for this favor, but someone else will need your help some day and I hope you help them just because you can, not because you have to. And only God will know about it. The person who helped you may never know.

 

[Stickler]

It *does* make me uneasy...Just because of my past.

I do operate on the "pay it forward" concept, too...I hope that the people I randomly help will be able to pay it forward?
I like to imagine ripples of kindness and caring spreading outward from acts of kindness and caring I am able to give. I can't make a better world all on my own, but I can make things that are right in front of me a tiny bit better.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

It always make me so uneasy- also because of my past, and because the person who hurt me the most was for a while before that being "friend" and doing me so many favors...Which is why I have trouble with help, even from close family and friends, and wreck my brain with worry trying to figure things on my own, before I ask for help, only if I absolutely have to. And even though I am grateful, I do have trouble expressing this well, since I feel so guilty about the help.
Just remember that certain favor doesn't mean doing the same thing back for someone. Gratitude can come in different ways, and for those of us with issues, we just have to learn to express it better over time. I saw a wonderful video once, explaining that we always get help in life in one way or another, and even the great inventors and so on also had a lot of help, without which they wouldn't have had the opportunities to create in that way.
So gratitude can mean paying it forward, or just helping the person whenever you can in whatever way you can, not in the absolutely same way you did. For example, with money(since I have issue with that:D) I always feel like gratitude would be paying it back as fast as possible...which is why I end up feeling bad, because the reason I was getting a loan in a first place is that my current health doesn't allow my financial state to change drastically so fast. So I am worried and guilty, and even when actually repaying money on time, feel bad about it. Which kind of beats the purpose of someone doing you a favor. They didn't have to loan you money, especially if you will be suspicious, unhappy or worried about it. They loaned you(I'm saying in personal loans, not banks etc.) because they care and they want to help. So you being guilty for asking for help, helps no one. Showing gratitude in this case, would be repaying when you have promised, but in the mean time, appreciating that you have someone who cares enough to help. And may be showing them that you are feeling better because they helped. Or may be doing something nice for them - go out for walk with them, have fun, make them dinner. Show that you appreciate their gesture, not resent it or question it.
There will be times in life when you will get help, many of them, some from people you know and care about and some from random people. I have had random people help(when I was still better) and I have done that for others. Like the kinship between mothers. You have that between peers often and in other things. Like, I know how hard depression is, and even though I'm not depressed anymore, if I know someone who is, I would let them talk and listen to them any time, if that would help them- because I know how hard that is. Or, I dance, and that takes a lot of training and learning and effort, so there is always certain kinship in the studio. The more advanced students give you advice and help you, you give help to the new members after you...So yeah. Help can be uneasy, and I get why, but you can learn to soften your edges with time and accept it better. I should too :P.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Lol, reading this came at the exact right time.
Someone did me a favor yesterday, and I almost cried then. I accepted it in my very edgy, stumbling, un-gracious way, which is the saying thank you...but saying it like I was saying "thank you for saving me, I am so very sorry I had to ask, and you had to say yes". I don't say that, but I'm afraid the way I feel might come off that way a bit. Someone really messed me up in that respect...but that is a thing for therapy:D.
No one has to say yes to you asking for a favor. So I just texted the person who did me the favor to say proper, sincere thank you, much more honest and heartfelt:).