Fear Of Abandonment

[intrasearching]

Hello,

I am aware that many people with PTSD spend much of their life choosing to abstain from intimate/romantic relationships. I can certainly understand why.

I am in a committed relationship (with the mutual intention of being partnered for life) and boy is it something of a nightmare for me many times. My girlfriend is wonderful beyond belief. She is so supportive, understanding, and true and she really loves me for me and not for the superficial me that is rendered unrecognizable by my PTSD. Despite being aware of this, I still find myself erupting almost daily to seemingly any stimulus that could even remotely signify betrayal or eventual abandonment on her part. She lives with her best friend, whom she had been dating for several years, although she never loved him or even felt romantic feelings for him (she was with him for the stability). I understand this, but I am still often triggered by that and many other things in our relationship and in my life.

Today was the first time that I lost control of myself so severely that I said "OK, I'm leaving the relationship" because she "agreed it would be best" (she did not). She was very hurt by what I said and I took it back immediately! I then went on to spew as many things as I could conjure about how much I did not at all want to ever end our relationship, how sorry I was, and how much I appreciated her and all that she meant to me.

After a little bit of my freaking out she responded kindly, expressing that she hates that I have to suffer so much, and that she loves me. I am very lucky to have such a supportive partner. What frightened me even further was that after settling from that debris (immediately after - not even one minute after her expressing her sympathy) I felt the pain of the fear of betrayal and abandonment.

I understand my issue as complex PTSD, which I am aware is not officially in the DSM. However, I have read about C-PTSD extensively as explained by psychologists and on government PTSD websites and the whole thing matches me to a T.

I unfortunately do not have access at this time to an effective therapist. I was seeing a school counselor on my college campus but that is not able to be even weekly and he is ill-equipped to deal with my C-PTSD. I feel lost, helpless, and a bit angry at this whole thing. I desperately want to change because I very much know that my partner is never going to betray me but emotionally I am stuck in this hellish loop. I want it to end! I don't even know how to soothe myself in the meantime of trying to one day hopefully find a qualified and helpful therapist.

What do I do? I am tired of resorting to suicidal fantasy -- I want to truly be on top of this beast, and I want to give my girlfriend all of the good parts of my personality that she has been missing in the last few weeks.

 

[Pencil]

very much know that my partner is never going to betray me but emotionally I am stuck in this hellish loop.

Hi Intrasearching
It think this is incorrect. No-one can ever say that a partner will never betray, and I think this is a crucial difference between people with PTSD / abandonment issues, and those without. Those without know that they might be betrayed by their partner / brother / minister, whoever, but they are better judges of character, they read the signs better, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, they know that if it should happen, they would survive it. Besides, you might be the one to end up betraying your girlfriend, or ending the relationship. That's how life and relationships work.

We, on the other hand, want our relationships to come with a warranty and remote control. That's not how life and relationships work. I can't tolerate being in a relationship as it makes me feel both trapped (aaarggghhh, is this IT for the rest of my life??) and insecure (aaarghhh, my partner could leave me any minute!!) at THE SAME TIME. It is a circus, but it has nothing to do with the other person or the security of the relationship. It has everything to do with my skewed thinking.

You will need to see a therapist if you want to overcome this, and you need to know it will take time.

 

[amcen]

Intrasearching, I know about this feeling of betrayal and abandonment, even if the way I experienced it is probably extremely different from yours. I also have C-PTSD. What I will say may sound hard to hear, but it is what has been (still is) true for me.

I love my wife and children extremely deeply, and have been more and more aware of the pain that I could bring and that I brought to them from time to time.

In case it could help you, I can tell you that I decided to be 100% honest with myself and with my family, not hiding even the tiniest thing about my life. BUT I presented it in a smooth way to my family, and NOT resting on the sad story, I mean taking it as an excuse to justify my hurtful behaviour toward them.

That one thing helped my family to understand, while I sorted out with a therapist the roots of these emotions that made me behave like that. Work still in process... But already in a very good way of healing, it IS possible :)

I hope I could help you even a little. Good luck.

 

[intrasearching]

Hello all,

Thanks for the reality in your messages.

The fear of abandonment is really driving me crazy. I spend all day almost everyday expecting that I will be betrayed or abandoned by my girlfriend, regardless of what she does to convince me otherwise (which is not a lot right now -- she is very busy with school and we are more than half of the time in a long distance relationship, like right now).

It is extremely painful. I am constantly ridden with deep anxiety... I want this to stop and I do not know what to do. No matter how much I read about this problem... I cannot slow it down. I need help, but do not have any help available to me.

 

[intrasearching]

Update: We had a much needed heart-to-heart and things are completely repaired for the time being. I am still nervous about when again I will be triggered but for now I feel relief. It was hard to get to that point of talking things out because we both were stressed out by my issues but we finally did talk and it was very successful.

 

[intrasearching]

I try so blanking hard, and still PTSD wins out when I get triggered.

Isn't it lovely how people who abuse you can give you PTSD, the gift that keeps on giving, so that long after they are out of your life, you still are incapable of feeling safe and preventing yourself from acting like a total maniac?

Love that.

I sometimes get so upset that I strain my brain to think of ways to commit suicide but I have not found anything viable. Being triggered is so horrible. It makes me believe that I am a bad person and that I will always be a freak like this... I will always ruin my relationships with my extreme fear.

 

[Pencil]

I will always ruin my relationships with my extreme fear.

I DO ruin every connection / attachment / relationship with fear, neediness etc. It's really not a lot of fun.

 

[Rumors]

:( Pencil. Sorry. Don't be too hard on yourself. You have a sweet little girl that thinks you are the bomb because YOU ARE THE BOMB! Hang in there! I am rooting for you.

 

[Pencil]

Thanks Rumors :hug:

 

[Lady_A]

Amcen, you are really trying to have a good life for the sake of your family, I really admire That, is there a way that I could talk to my husband in order to understand how hurtful he is to me?, I appreciate your help

 

[saffy]

HI Intrasearching

It sounds like you love this girl to bits which is great :)

Everyday she is in your life; it is a pity you have lost so many happy days with feeling like this. I have been through the same darkness/heaviness. It is an awful feeling.

What I learnt in the end was that I was wasting and not enjoying what I had because I was focusing on a future I had no real control over.

I had more chance of sending them packing if I continued to allow the negative feelings to win, I had to learn control and self awareness to do this though, but I found it easier each time if I told myself I had no control over whether they left or not but I can control what I did with them while they were in my life.

I had to accept people change and that as long as there is honesty in the relationship then trust and respect has to be accepted too, both ways.

She sounds like she loves you to bits too by the way :)

best wishes
Saffy:)