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Fear of EMDR/parts

#13
When I was in Therapy about 4 years ago (I desperately need it now) she used EMDR multiple times with me, didn't work. She has since retired but she commented at the time that in 50 years of practicing she had never seen anyone as resistant to EMDR and with such a solid wall. This scares the shit out of me because what am I protecting myself from. I was abused by a professional pedophile between the ages of 10-12 and while I have flashbacks it is more 1 second of me floating above my body and a shuddering fear of what was done but do not remember specifics. I believe I was drugged and my mind is protecting me from horrors to deep to face.

Recently the emotional flashbacks are returning and I am scared
 
#14
she had never seen anyone as resistant to EMDR and with such a solid wall.
I would look at this differently. You are working really hard to keep yourself safe. The EMDR process can be very invasive and unsafe. It's natural to have resistance to EMDR for many of us.

Did you and your therapist jump right in to trauma processing when you started EMDR? Or did you spend some (or a lot) of time building up trust and safety with the whole EMDR process and to build up safe people and places? For me, EMDR brought up all sorts of fears and bad muscle memories. My T and I spent months of very short, gentle, and supportive EMDR.

Recently the emotional flashbacks are returning and I am scared
I'm sorry the flashbacks have returned. Have you thought about doing virtual therapy with someone?
 
#15
I would look at this differently. You are working really hard to keep yourself safe. The EMDR process can be very invasive and unsafe. It's natural to have resistance to EMDR for many of us.

Did you and your therapist jump right in to trauma processing when you started EMDR? Or did you spend some (or a lot) of time building up trust and safety with the whole EMDR process and to build up safe people and places? For me, EMDR brought up all sorts of fears and bad muscle memories. My T and I spent months of very short, gentle, and supportive EMDR.


I'm sorry the flashbacks have returned. Have you thought about doing virtual therapy with someone?
I worked with her for 6 months, she was already in her 70's and close to retirement. She was very bright and I was comfortable with her. She was actually one of the earliest adopters of EMDR and trained with the the developers decades ago and had used it on thousands of patients. The fact that she could not break through actually disturbed and worried me. My flashbacks are probably a fraction of a second but feel much longer and I am always out of my body as an observer but at the same time can't look

I had gone 40 years and never told another living sole about the abuse until her.
 
Thread starter #16
Emdr seemed to be overwhelming at first for me. Traditional emdr caused some major disassociation problems and my mind kept settling from an adult rape to my childhood. At that point she told me that we needed to change our approach. We did much more work on resourcing, feeling safe, attachment fears. We tried flash emdr. Since then, the emdr institute changed the flash approach and we are doing that now. Even though it has caused a lot of dreams, my daily life is much more peaceful. Recently, my teenage part reappeared to my T. It kind of complicated things, but it’s okay. My week has given me some time to calm down a bit from that session. The change we made for online is that I do a butterfly hug with tapping right left. I think it feels safer because I control the taps, actually she models it. Maybe that helps me not feel so alone.
 
#17
When I was in Therapy about 4 years ago (I desperately need it now) she used EMDR multiple times with me, didn't work. She has since retired but she commented at the time that in 50 years of practicing she had never seen anyone as resistant to EMDR and with such a solid wall. This scares the shit out of me because what am I protecting myself from. I was abused by a professional pedophile between the ages of 10-12 and while I have flashbacks it is more 1 second of me floating above my body and a shuddering fear of what was done but do not remember specifics. I believe I was drugged and my mind is protecting me from horrors to deep to face.

Recently the emotional flashbacks are returning and I am scared
I have done a few sessions of modified EMDR with my therapist. We have been preparing for it for quite a long time. Still, I can't do regular EMDR processing and tolerate it for much shorter blocks of time -which is normal for highly dissociative individuals-. Experts have been saying for a while now how EMDR can be done with highly dissociative individuals but time needs to be spent on safety and resources and the processing needs to be modified as well.

My flashbacks at times are just like what you describe.

Maybe try again with a different therapist? Are you thinking about it? Journaling and art have helped me lots.

Sending love 💜.
 
#18
While there is a part of me that wants to know the truth I suspect my self preservation will stop that from happening. This is not did it happen or did it not. I am quite aware of the abuse that spanned 2-3 years I just push those memories and details deep, deep down.

The opening of the door a crack is so terrifying I slammed it shut.
 
#19
While there is a part of me that wants to know the truth I suspect my self preservation will stop that from happening. This is not did it happen or did it not. I am quite aware of the abuse that spanned 2-3 years I just push those memories and details deep, deep down.

The opening of the door a crack is so terrifying I slammed it shut.
That makes total sense. It is protective. If you go back to therapy with someone qualified in PTSD and dissociative disorders it will still take time, and it will happen, when/if it happens. And that is OK. Rushing is slowing your progress down.

Sending love 💜.
 
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