Fear Of My 'fight' Instinct

[Fulfillmydreams]

I was molested continuously over a period of 10 years by my younger sister. I kicked up a fuss when it was happening, from demanding that my parents punish her, to tearing up her homework and reprimanding her - I just wasn't confrontational enough to land a well-deserved punch in her damn face. Even though I am now no longer staying at home, I still have the residual 'fight-or-flight' instincts within me that was cultivated from one decade of being aware of her every move and action under the same roof.

Now, while my tension has gotten better since, I don't have to watch my back all the time, I am still afraid of being totally relaxed in any environment. For eg, if I am out with my friends and we are at an open-concept cafe (the kind that you can people-watch and they can see you as well), I get tense about looking into the crowd passing by, because I am mentally prepared for my sister to walk past and my 'fight' instinct to come up. I also keep having trouble concentrating or truly enjoying any moment, because part of me is forever ready to snap out of it and deal with any approach by her. I live in a densely populated, small country, where every time you go out, you meet someone familiar, and bumping into her is no remote possibility.

And I really hate it that she is an insidious bitch who uses all kinds of indirect ways to make me feel violated. For eg, even when she cannot touch my breasts, she would do things like pretend to get some stationery from an area close to where I am sitting, and just try to be as close to me as possible. Or she would just simply stare at my breasts as she walks past. It is very possible she might do something similar in public, like pretend to brush past me from behind, because that is totally the culture here: people wouldn't raise a brow if they were brushed against in a crowded mall. I am not as afraid of being violated by her as I am of this intensely strong ' fight' instinct I have cultivated. Also, I just really really want to relax and enjoy my various moments without the tense feeling that I might be disturbed by a perverted bitch any time . I really HATE wearing this tense, fierce look on my face all the time, which comes instinctively.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I hope you are having a better day. It sounds like you have a platefull of issues to face and deal with. You are lucky to have the fight response, it is a lot better than flight with the anxiety that goes along with it. It is a very bad feeling when you have to be "on", all of the time. I wish for you some moments that you experience a real and lasting peace and a more pleasant expression on your face.

I'm sorry yu have to live looking over your shoulder. Is moving a possibility for you? It would help alot if you had a sense of feeling safe from more harm.

Anger is alot healthier to deal with than the phobias and fears that anxiety has. It sounds like you take really good care of yourself. I am glad you are in a space seperate from your abuser. Be gentle with you. You are doiing the best you can with what you have to deal with.

 

[Eleanor]

Adding to gizmo's ideas...

Maybe take up boxing and bash the heck out of "her" on the bag? It might give you a healthy outlet for the pent up anger. Plus at good boxing gyms (at least here) people are very respectful of each other's space - and if they aren't you are within your right to punch them! OR if that's a bit to agressive for you you could learn akido and become able to control/deflect any aggressive energies.:ninja:

Just jumping in here - sorry if you already do these things!

It sounds like you need to "reclaim" some of your own power.

 

[Anna]

Combat sports/martial arts are a really good way of getting out that fight instinct in a positive way. I agree with Eleanor above. Also it makes you feel good about yourself and you feel safer as well. It is also a good way to meet people. Why not give it a try? :)