Fear Of Next Therapy Appointment

[LF1]

I have an appointment with my therapist later this week that I'm freaking out about. It'll be my 5th session with this therapist. I've tried therapy a few times before but normally quit after a few sessions because I can't make myself talk and fear (amongst other things) that I'm wasting their time. I don't want to quit this time. My therapist generally seems kind and understanding, I don't know whether she can help me (if I can even be helped) but I would like to stick around long enough to find out this time.

My last session wasn't great. I felt like I was frustrating her but I get that there could be many reasons for that, including my own projections of my frustration with myself. I've written something to give her this week but I'm so conflicted about giving it to her. I don't trust easily and I fear what will happen next. Will she judge me? Will she be disgusted? Will she think I can't be helped or she can't help me? Will she suddenly see me the way I see myself? I fear it all. I don't want to care what she thinks but somehow I already do.

I just, I have this overwhelming feeling of need to simultaneously tell her things but also tell her absolutely nothing. I want to run both to therapy and also from it. I want to get help but I want to be left alone. I want things to get better but I fear the unknowns of change.

This really hasn't explained anything but I don't think I can do any better right now. I'm not even sure this is what I intended to write about. I'm just feeling overwhelmed, there's so many feelings where normally there are none. None I can handle, numb I can handle, but this - nothing makes sense like this.

 

[mrsps]

I could have written this post myself! I totally understand where you are coming from. I fear being judged and I fear that I frustrate my T. But they are here to help us and they have heard all sorts before so nothing shocks them and they are not there to judge us. They are also used to people struggling to talk. I think its great that you have written stuff down I do this quite often for my T but like you I then feel anxious about giving it to her.
Please don't give up, you deserve to get the help you need.
Maybe you could show her this thread with what you have written. I am sure she will know where you are coming from and understand :)

 

[LF1]

@mrsps thanks for understanding. Do you give your T what you have written at the start of the session? This is the first time I've written anything and she's not expecting it (tho has said I could write things) so trying to get my head around just how to give it to her. The version in my head that's most appealing (though probably inappropriate) is basically to walk in and say "I'm not staying but here you can read this." And that version's actually an improvement on my original idea of going in to the office earlier in the week and leaving what I wrote with the receptionist but saying I won't be going to my appointment that week. I so don't want to be there when she reads it!

Maybe you could show her this thread with what you have written. I am sure she will know where you are coming from and understand

I don't know that I could show her what I've written in this thread but it would probably be helpful if I could. There's something about not being able to talk about what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling, let alone talking about how I feel she's thinking and feeling. I may try and add some of what I've written here to what I'm going to give her. Talking/writing about worrying what she thinks though seems incredibly confronting and vulnerable to me. I can't really work out what I mean, but it's almost like if she knows than she then has a whole lot of power to hurt me, even unintentionally. Like if I admit what she thinks matters to me I'm leaving myself open. I don't think she would intentionally hurt me and I don't know that I'm explaining any of that well but there seems to be a thought there someone that is eating away.

 

[falling_wave]

If you dont want to be there when she reads it maybe you can email it ahead of time or give it to her at the end of session? Sometimes I write things and I talk in session until we come to the topic I wrote about. Then I tell her I wrote about it and give it to her. It makes me uncomfortable to watch her read it so I just look down not at her until I'm finished. Good luck. Also building a solid trusting relationship with a therapist can often take more than five sessions. It is normal to have fear or feel slighted when this is still developing. It took me probably six months to entirely trust mine but things will come out as you feel safe. This is good because the surface stuff can be dealt with now and is out of the way by the time you trust her enough to look at the hard stuff. I'd also encourage taking risks in therapy. I did that a lot where it felt like a blind leap but it helped the trust so much when that was met positively by my T.

 

[mrsps]

I normally have my piece of paper with me and put it next to me on the couch and my T will normally say "I see you have some writing with you" or something like that. I always feel extremely nervous handing it over to her but for me what is written is normally really raw stuff that I could properly never actually tell her. I feel that it is best for my T to read what I felt at the time rather than sugar coat it. I need my T to really know me and know what I feel and think. If that makes sense. I have at times left writing with her to read after my session but I think that is worse because then I worry about going the next week and will she bring any of it up or not.
It is really important what my T thinks of me, like it shouldn't because what they think of us shouldn't matter and even if they don't really like us (which im sure is not the case) they still have to remain professional. I have brought this up with my T and she totally understands that it is important to me that she likes me. But of course the fear is still there if I tell her this or that will she not like me, judge me or change towards me.
I have found it is best just to be totally honest and open about my fears with my T (I have only been seeing my new T for about 2 months, but am really lucky that she is really gentle and understanding)
I hope you can come to trust your T and be open with her :)

 

[LF1]

Thanks for the thoughts and suggestions. I've been studiously trying not to think about it all this week but now my appointment's about 13hrs away! So clearly now I can't get it out of my head and I just don't feel ready. And it's not, not feeling ready for anything momentous - it's just not feeling ready to go back. I don't know how it will go, whether I'll say anything at all and whether she'll think I'm wasting her time. I know that's my issue and unlikely to be what she's thinking but she's added a time-slot into the end of her day to fit me in and it seems to have added pressure to me. When I saw her last it was in this same "extra" time-slot and I just felt so guilty and read all her reactions in a negative light. I felt like I was frustrating her and a burden - her day should have been over and instead she was stuck there with me. I'd think things like she must have been wondering why I was even there and did I really want help because I'm sure it looked like I didn't want to be there. I know I'm over thinking it all, I just feel like I'm not keeping up my end of the bargain. I guess I feel like I'm letting her down, like she has expectations of me but she hasn't expressed any - they're all in my head. It's all the fear and self doubt - it's pointless worry, it helps nothing but man is it crippling. I'm so scared I just don't want to do anything. But I'm also at the point where not doing anything (not turning up at the least) scares me just as much. I feel trapped and it's my own mind doing it which is just infuriating!

I guess if I could tell her some of this it might help. I'm such a child in an adult's body though - I can't initiate a conversation, I can't articulate and speak about where I'm at. For one, I can't actually make myself talk, and two, I'm so confused about everything I don't even know what it is I'd need to say.

I do have what I wrote last week to give her (if I can make myself still turn up) and I've just tried reading over that but I can't get past the first paragraph without cringing. It's no longer just the mechanics of how do I actually give her something I've written when she's not expecting it and it's quite a long read... but it's also the question again of do I even want her to read it. Can I stomach her reading it. Most of it isn't "really" deep or personal stuff. Most of it is kept pretty general - it's about talking and do I even want to talk/change and what stops me etc. I talk a bit about trying not to care, and how that helps and hurts me. It's not stuff that should be that hard to tell her or let her read. There's one short paragraph at the end that is pretty raw though (I couldn't write anything after it). I'm just so gutless. And so lost. I know I need to take a risk, I know it's all destroying me from the inside but how do you change a lifetime of silence... and how do you know it won't blow up in your face.

I so don't want to right now but I know I have to make myself turn up to my appointment today... and I know I have to give her what I've written, even if now I'm thinking there's really not much in there that's important and worthy of all this angst. It's more words than I'll ever speak and if I don't give it to her I'll sit there stewing in silence and if she wasn't frustrated with me before she will be after... self-fulfilling that way I guess.

Sorry, just needed to vent I hope.

 

[mrsps]

Hi again :)
I just wanted to say I totally understand all of what you have written!! You can make it to your appointment and it will be ok! With my writing what I do is I write it and then I don't re read it, because if I re read it I wont want to give it to my T! It sounds like the stuff you have written is stuff that will help your T understand you and who you are. Therapists are here to help us and most are very understanding and take things at a speed that is comfortable for you.
I find in my session there are things going around in my head that I want to say but I just cant actually say them. Maybe it would help at times you are stuck in the actual session to write it down in your session and give to your T if you cant say them, I have done this at times.
As for her making a time slot at the end of her day, she wouldn't have done that if she didn't want to take you on so please try not to worry about that!
You can make it to your session, you will be ok, just remember to take deep breaths and tell yourself you are going to these sessions so you can lead a happier life :)

 

[seedling]

You are doing good work just writing everything out for her and here on this thread. It shows how committed you are to figuring things out.

There is no "bargain," it's OK to be a child in an adult's body, it's OK to be where you are at right now.

I used to tell myself "just go one more time." "Just this time, just make it there today."

You are facing your own inner resistance and defenses. They have helped you cope in the past, now you are ready to take some small steady steps to overcome them to let someone help you. You can take it slow.

Good Luck!

 

[oasis2003]

hi lf1 I hope therapy goes ok. I totally relate to what you are saying. I have a session tomorrow with a new therapist. I avoid talking about every thing even though I want to tell her so that hopefully she can help. if that is possible. It seems a good idea to write things down. My EMDR was so terrifying that I am also afraid to go to therapy and afraid of how I will react in a session.

I hope you are ok with your T :hug:

 

[oasis2003]

I have trust issues so to actually tell any one about any of my issues was amazing for me.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

Hi LF1,

I remember all of this anxiety - it's an awful way to feel, and my heart is with you.

You have PTSD. We can't do this alone, we need trained professionals to help us.

(I've been with my Ts for years now, and they are the best and most trusted counsellors, confidants and "family" I could ever hope for. I would be so much the worse, lost and suffering if I didn't have these amazing, healing, wonderful people in my life.)
It took me months to trust, but the life-changing possibilities are so wonderful, you'd be doing yourself grievous harm by not going.

Please go, to this appointment, and to many, many more, it will be so worth it! Don't miss a single one. I mean that! Stick with it, and don't let yourself cancel again. If you're sick, see if she'll do a phone consult. If you have laryngitis, then text or email.
Remember, therapy is good medicine for healing, and you will sicken if you don't get your dose routinely.

With caring and concern,
Deer

 

[LF1]

Thank you all so much for the support. I clearly had a bit of a freak out about it all last night but after a little bit of interrupted sleep and letting myself write the "crazy" out here instead of having it all just spin around my head things don't seem quite so catastrophic this morning. I'm still beyond anxious about today but that's not unexpected - therapy isn't easy and vulnerability and fear sucks! Reading your kind and understanding replies has helped though. I'd like to reply more and will do later when I can but for now I really just wanted to say thank you. I didn't realise how much it could help to have this support and encouragement when all I want to do is run and avoid.