fear of people with sex drive

[sad]

I feel so repulsed thinking about the fact that everyone around me has a sex drive. I know this isnt something inherently bad but it makes me think that each and every single one of them would rape me if their impulse was only strong enough. I know its unfair but everytime i think about this i want to completely isolate myself. I cant bear thinking of my parents or my friends or my teachers doing that and having that. I feel like i will never be able to fully trust someone who isnt asexual or sex repulsed.

 

[Weemie]

I used to have this problem around men. Even my own father got high on crack and started watching hard core pornography and rubbing himself while I was in a state dependent dissociative fugue spitting out absolute garbage about abuse because the crack in my body basically launched me 10 years back into the past like a catapult.

Knowing he obviously didn't care and kept getting off on everything just further cemented to me that all men regardless of who they are, are incapable of being whole, rational people. They just want to f*ck and they will never be your friend because their agenda will always be to f*ck you.

It took years for me to dismantle this and recognize it as a form of sexism (which went as far as "do men even have feelings and thoughts like a sentient being or do they just want f*cky sucky and that's literally it???") that developed out of extreme self protection. I am a trans man, making it equally more complex as I am not asexual either. I am only aromantic.

What really helped me was coming into contact with men who are genuinely and foundationally good. My closest and longest friend S is gay, but quite normally sexual. He was never once inappropriate with anyone whether male or female as far as I ever saw him. He never made passes or gross jokes. He never did any of that locker room bullshit.

Another man I know W was equally as gentle with me and never once did a single sexual or inappropriate thing. I heard him make a joke about some other woman making him "hard enough to cut glass" to another one of his male friends and for some reason that made me laugh rather than think worse of him.

It made me realize that yes, some men are sexual beings but they also know there is a time and place for that (he thought they were alone) and not all of them *need* to be inappropriate to every woman they see. Maybe he was even talking about me, who knows. But he never made it my problem so I respect that.

Another man I knew S#2 had been married and only ever spoke of his wife in gentle ways. He never once came across as anything but a consummate friend. Two of these guys were sexually abused as kids and I expect that probably changes their dynamics with their peers - it gives them a greater understanding of victimization and exploitation.

But W was never AFAIK and still knew not to exploit people. So it is possible and meeting some of these people (including some folks on here who are male and whose thought processes I've been exposed to over the course of many years) helped me to internally reduce the amount of sexism I held toward men including myself.

(In fact for a long time I thought I participated as a soldier in my abuse scenario and was as violent and awful as I was because I am a man as well! So this kind of sexism can be both internal and external.)

 

[KayW]

I don't know if you're in therapy at the moment, but I think recognizing this as a cognitive distortion is a step in the right direction. Taking it apart in therapy could be a next step.

Historically, there have been SA/rape cases where to the defense has centered on some invented fault of the victim and the perpetrators inability to control their sex drive. Unfortunately that is one of many prejudiced ideas that go against victims of sa/rape.

But, it is not a reality and has no science to support it. Sex drive and sa/rape are totally separate things. There is more evidence to support the idea that sa/rape is associated with a perpetrators want for control and power over the their victim and has little to do with sex at all.

 

[Rose White]

more evidence to support the idea that sa/rape is associated with a perpetrators want for control and power over the their victim and has little to do with sex at all

Very much agree and good point.

OP, I used to be terrified of penises and sex. It can be like a phobia. You can train yourself through exposure therapy to at least be neutral about it and not panicky. Therapists are usually pretty good at helping with the process of conditioning yourself to accept something.

 

[Friday]

I feel like i will never be able to fully trust someone who isnt asexual or sex repulsed.

I know this isnt something inherently bad but it makes me think that each and every single one of them would rape me if their impulse was only strong enough.

Is that a fear you have, for yourself? That you would rape people if you had a sex drive, or were not asexual, or sex averse? (Not knowing you, just knowing the examples you provided as “safe”).

Do you fear cannibalism? Or killing someone for their happy meal?

Most people WILL kill others for food, but it is a tremendous extreme. Not just a starving of the hunger OMFG food, I need food, NOW! But… a weeks/months without food, and dying of starvation. Not simply a desire FOR food, nor life threatening organ damage, but -literally- dying for the lack of it.

Sex drive? Is maybe 1% on that.

As it’s not something that kills you. It’s desire -or want- not need. Sex drive actually shuts OFF once people start hitting life threatening circumstance. And even in need? There are soooo many people who would die of starvation rather than hurt another. From personal experience, about an equal number of people would kill to eat. But, again, that’s need. Like auschwitz / concentration camp need. Not, I haven’t eaten in a week, and would STEAL food, but it’s been so much longer, and people would kill for it.

 

[sad]

Is that a fear you have, for yourself? That you would rape people if you had a sex drive, or were not asexual, or sex averse? (Not knowing you, just knowing the examples you provided as “safe”).

Do you fear cannibalism? Or killing someone for their happy meal?

Most people WILL kill others for food, but it is a tremendous extreme. Not just a starving of the hunger OMFG food, I need food, NOW! But… a weeks/months without food, and dying of starvation. Not simply a desire FOR food, nor life threatening organ damage, but -literally- dying for the lack of it.

Sex drive? Is maybe 1% on that.

As it’s not something that kills you. It’s desire -or want- not need. Sex drive actually shuts OFF once people start hitting life threatening circumstance. And even in need? There are soooo many people who would die of starvation rather than hurt another. From personal experience, about an equal number of people would kill to eat. But, again, that’s need. Like auschwitz / concentration camp need. Not, I haven’t eaten in a week, and would STEAL food, but it’s been so much longer, and people would kill for it.

Thank you, your ideas are actually really thoughtprovoking, this changed my view a little bit :) Still gotta thoroughly deconstruct that thoughtprocess, but this helped