Fear Of Sex Caused By Trauma Not Related To Sex?

[Alic3]

I have a question. I'm new on here and to be honest, I'm nervous to post on here, due to the fear of being scrutinized. My trauma is unrelated to any sexual abuse (that I know of..)

My boyfriend and I live together and are in a committed relationship. When we first met, I was pretty provocative, find of to gain his approval. I guess I used it as a manipulative tool, but I'm just realizing that now. I read an article about repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse , just because I was curious. I have NO CLUE OR MEMORY about ever being sexually violated when I was young, but who's to say it's not possible? I was around a lot of different people, as I didn't really have a conventional family. I'm just not going to go there though, I'll just assume nothing happend.

To go on, when I first met my boyfriend, we had sex a lot. It seems once I "roped" him though, I didn't need to use it as a tool, and my brain reverted to how it normally is. I HATE HATE HATE having sex. It's so scary to me. My mind goes into a blank white room.. literally. I can't feel what's happening. I'm pretty sure I'm dissociating when it happens. I hate being touched down there, it's painful. I am scared to death of having sex.

Sadly.... my boyfriend is a sex addict. I have set a rule that we can only have sex once a month (it seems mean, I know, but I seriously feel like I'm sacrificing myself when we do it). He always bothers me about sex and gets mad at me because I don't like to do it....

It's very hurtful that he doesn't understand that it's so painful and scary to me.


Does anyone have any input? Remember as far as I know, I was never sexually assaulted..

But that brings up another issue.. When I was younger, (17-19) I would somehow end up with a guy "friend" alone. This happend... 5 times at least probably? I was under the influence of drugs or alcohol. But I put myself in those situations, and I didn't want it, but I didn't struggle or say no. I just wanted to get it over with and forget. And for the most part, I have. Taking me for there own needs.. I told them I didn't want to, but they didn't take me seriously. I guess I just didn't want the stress of making it into an issue, because I put myself into the situation and should have realized what was actually going on.


My story is just so hard to explain. My main trauma issues are not sexually related. Please, does anyone have any input to why I am so terrified of sex?

Please help. I don't want to be pressured all night into having sex with my bf when I don't want to, or he gets all crabby if I don't want to. Maybe if you guys give me some ideas as to why it scares me so much, I'll tell him and he'll understand. He was very understanding about some other things that I explained to him today.


I'm sorry if I offended anyone or triggered anyone.

 

[Angelwings]

I can relate. I avoid sex. I was artificially inseminated to have my son. I can't stand it. I do identify as lesbian, but haven't even been able to date for years. I just don't want to have to explain myself.

 

[Alic3]

It sucks, he uses guilt as a tool to have me. One time he wanted to do it, so I said "let's just get it over with" and he was fine with that. One of my best friends is a 49 year old man (I'm 21), and it's not in a creepy way at all, he said that it wasn't right. But I'm not going to leave my boyfriend or anything, most of the time he gets it that I don't want to have sex, but some nights he just terrorizes me about it. January 21st is when we're supposed to do it next, and he's already bothering me about it.

 

[macca]

I have had a pattern of having too much desire, and alternating that with zero desire. Right now, it's the very last thing I'd want to do, I've been avoiding it like the plague. I don't want anything to do with it. But I've gone through times where 6 times a day still wouldn't be enough. It's not Bipolar with me - the "stages" can last years at a time with no change - but it seems related to some other stuff that suggests sexual abuse, though I have no memory. With your story, it sounds like the stuff that happened at 17-19 years might be very important, and understandably affecting your reactions. The best thing I could possibly suggest to you is to see a therapist, preferably one who specialises in this area and in trauma. I waited til I was 43 because I was too scared to tell anyone anything - finally seeing a therapist was the very best thing I could have done. If you already have a therapist, try to tell them. I'm embarrassed about saying this stuff too, even here anonymously on this forum. Nobody here will scrutinise you, though I well understand your fear. You are not alone with this stuff!

 

[scout86]

Are you getting any professional help?

I can't really answer your question, but maybe reread what you wrote, like someone else wrote it.

When you met your bf, you were sexually provocative (your word) to manipulate (again, your word) him in to a relationship. BTW, he's a "sex addict". NOW, because you actually have a problem with sex, that you knew about (?) but didn't tell him about, he's supposed to be ok with a radical change in the sexual part of your relationship? That IS pretty much what you said, isn't it? Do you see anything there to suggest that this is a healthy relationship, or one that has much of a chance of going anywhere good? You shouldn't have to have sex when you don't want to, but that, like everything else, is a part of a relationship that needs to be working for everyone.

Fear of sex is a problem and a problem worth working on. The need to manipulate someone into a relationship is also a problem worth working on. And it's probably a bigger problem.

Where does all this come from? I have no idea, but the answers are there, somewhere inside your own mind. It's not the kind of thing you're likely to be able to sort out with out help, though.

Good luck and welcome!

 

[Alic3]

I do not have a therapist, I don't have health insurance. So no, I am not getting any professional help.

I haven't always had a fear of sex. It's since I was put on one of my meds. (I go to the free clinic for that, but they are volunteers and have no time for actual therapy, since it's only open once a week for 4 hours and serves the whole county).

@macca, I am the same way, I'm embarassed to talk about sex. I'm prude and almost have a child like reaction to it.

@scout86, I don't know what to say, I didn't really have a "problem" with it before, and I didn't consciously manipulate him, as I stated, I am realizing that now.

When him and I first met, he was very sweet and everything. But once we started living together (1 year and a half ago), I started getting exposed to his negative feelings (I am VERY VERY sensitive to the feelings around me), so I guess maybe the desire was just gone. It wasn't a radical change. It was slow. We started doing it less and less often. It's not like one day I just told him we couldn't do it anymore. And like I said, we are not going to break up. Now he's not bothering me about it. It's just extremely stressful when he does. I am NOT good at being pressured and pestered.

And sorry, I'm just not good at wording things I guess.[DOUBLEPOST=1388545092][/DOUBLEPOST]PS, I am not going off my meds.

 

[macca]

Is there any possibility of changing your meds? Though I'm sure you've probably thought of that already. Sucks that you can't get any therapy right now, but hopefully things change in the future and that you can later on.

 

[Alic3]

Well my one med (my main one) is actually supposedly supposed to cause INCREASED sex drive, which didn't happen, but I just did some research and my headache med (I have chronic daily headaches) is supposed to lower sex drive. I wouldn't mind changing my headache med, except for the fact that if I don't take it, I get verrrry crabby and moody and kinda suicidal. It's not a narcotic or anything, it's an anticonvulsant, but it does affect mood. I am more moody if I don't take it then I was moody before at all without ever taking it, so it's like the withdrawal from it I'm scared of. I'm already so miserable all the time.

 

[franciemarnie]

Do you still enjoy his company? Do you have fun with him? Do you look forward to hanging out? ( Aside from sex.)

I found that when the infatuation period was over and the guy was not who I dreamed he was and I didn't actually enjoy his company much anymore, my physical attraction died. I don't know if any of that is going on. Just a thought.

 

[mamachick]

I understand what you are saying about being provocative in the beginning of the relationship and that you were unconscious of doing this at the time. You are clearly insightful of your own behavior.

There are many other reasons other than trauma that can cause an aversion to sex. For example, your beliefs about sex, what it says about you, integrating the sexual part into yourself as a whole. Without knowing your circumstances, it is hard to make any assumptions here. I was married at 17 and pregnant. My husband was a 19 yr old horn dog while I suffered morning sickness. In addition, my mother had been very permiscuous . I found myself uncomfortable and objectified. I became very avoidant.

Sex is usually an important part of a relationship. I think I would begin by starting a personal journal about what you learned growing up, family attitudes, any thoughts and feelings that come to mind. As far as it being physically painful, I would rule out any medical reason.

 

[Alic3]

Yeah, I ended up letting him do it and it wasn't that bad, so I won't need to worry about it for awhile and don't wanna talk about it anymore.

About sex, I literally feel/think that it's gross.. I mean I just want to go about my life innocently as I instinctively do. It''s just unknown and redundant to me. I want to feel like it doesn't exist. I don't get urges, I never have. I have never had an orgasm (yuck, I hate that word) and I've never enjoyed sex. Just because I did it before, was because I just wanted to be accepted by someone I guess.. I've always been the odd girl out and I feel like automatically, right off the bat, people don't like me. I'm extremely scared of people because my mind has been molded to believe that everyone dislikes me and it gives me a very very unsettling feeling, and it's just depressing. People always give me dirty looks. I guess it's just a vibe I throw off. For my job, I'm a merchandiser and have 19 grocery stores that I have to drive to, some up to 120 miles away, and the store employees just always treat me as a nuisance and act really sarcastic to me. I get really anxious, I am EXTREMELY sensitive and it hurts that people don't like me for no reason.

I guess it's just hard enough dealing with my social anxiety everyday, (I work alone, I don't have a nearby manager or anything, I am alone everyday) sometimes I have to sit in my car in the parking lot for 2 hours before I can work up the courage to go in. Minimum half an hour. Always. Sometimes when I'm in the store, I get so overwhelmed that I have to go out to my car. My car is like my comfort zone, but I end up being it in for like 6 hours a day sometimes, and it's messing with my mind. I'm alone all the time pretty much. I don't have any co-workers (I'm supposed to communicate with the managers at the stores, some of them I'm able to, but most of them are mean as hell. They literally yell at me "I DON'T HAVE TIME TO TALK TO YOU, LEAVE ME ALONE!". I drive a lot, so I drive in my car alone. When I get home at night, my boyfriend is at work (I usually get home after he leaves and he gets home when I'm sleeping, and then I wake up and get ready and leave while he's sleeping. So it's opposite). I'm pretty much always alone. I realize that it's bad for me, so I go see my 2 friends at their store that they own, to get human contact, because I know it's good for me to have positive human contact. I was going to visit them tonight, but I'm way too tired and burnt out to go anywhere. The last two days, I've had terrible terrible anxiety, like something bad has happend.