Fear of T not believing me.

[NightSky]

I’m not sure what’s going on with my T, or how to fix it. The problem is on my end.

A little background: I began seeing her for phobias because they were getting out of control and I was so anxious all the time. I had seen a few T’s prior to her for suspected csa. Basically when I was 19, until I was around 24, I had a few brief “flashbacks” of csa by a relative and i had no idea what to do about it. I got married, and everything came to a crashing halt because I couldn’t stand being touched. So I saw a T for two years and told her about the flashes. She’s the one who diagnosed me with PTSD, and worked hard with me to help me understand how the flashes could be real even though they don’t feel real. Now that I’m with my newer T and understand a lot more about my symptoms, I know I spent every session with the old T totally dissociated. I never connected with her emotionally, stayed in my head and doubted her the whole time.

Anyway, I went into this new T hoping to overcome specific phobias. But my fear of intimacy came out, and I’ve since told her all of the flashes, and the body things I experience, and the nightmares, etc. Unlike the other T, I’m very attached to this onr. I was so frustrated by my first T trying to convince me the flashes are real, with this one I’ve never asked if she thinks they are. I literally feel most of the time like I’m crazy and make this stuff up. She always says I’m not crazy and I didn’t make it up. (And i know neither of us can know for sure if the flashes are real)

But I go through these periods of being convinced she doesn’t believe me. And it limits what I can say in the room with her. I feel enormous shame insinuating that I survived abuse because maybe she thinks I didn’t and thinks I’m lying. I don’t know how to get past this. Even if she tells me she fully believes me one day, I become convinced that between then and now she has changed her mind and thinks I’m lying. And then walls go up and I have a hard time engaging with her in any kind of vulnerable way.

Am I projecting my disbelief of myself onto her or something? Why does it matter so much to me if she believes me? Anyone have any experience with anything like this? Sorry so long- thanks for reading!

 

[susannahsays]

It would seem to me that your therapist must not think you're a liar if she's diagnosed you with PTSD.

 

[NightSky]

It would seem to me that your therapist must not think you're a liar if she's diagnosed you with PTSD.

Right, I should have specified. I have other traumas that could’ve contributed to the ptsd. But the classic symptoms I experience seem to come from those instances.

 

[shimmerz]

Even if she tells me she fully believes me one day, I become convinced that between then and now she has changed her mind and thinks I’m lying.

I am actually dealing with this right now. Very certain that it is a different level of old trauma I am hitting. I happens a lot where we figure out one thing and another thing hits (peeling back the onions layers they call it).

Anyway, it is most likely a feeling that has been deeply buried from the past.

My shaman used to ask me when this 'new shit' used to come up 'When was the first time you ever felt that feeling before?' It helped a ton.

Wondering if you can explore with your T if you recall this type of feeling when you were younger. She used to ask me when the first time I recalled feeling it was. If so, who was around - do you recall? Also, do you recall the circumstances of that time?

 

[Freida]

I literally feel most of the time like I’m crazy and make this stuff up. She always says I’m not crazy and I didn’t make it up. (And i know neither of us can know for sure if the flashes are real)

Yep. Yep and yep. I've told my T many, many times over the years that she doesn't know what she is talking about and that I suffer from an unknown mental illness that makes me create huge nightmare scenarios staring me and that I'm really delusional and should be locked up. I've done it for so long its became kind of a joke/early warning system that I'm getting in to some bad memories

Am I projecting my disbelief of myself onto her or something? Why does it matter so much to me if she believes me? Anyone have any experience with anything like this? Sorry so long- thanks for reading!

projecting? maybe. It makes sense that you want her to believe you -- because it validates that it happened. I've done the "you don't really believe me, you just believe I believe it" thing to my T lots of times. She just rolls with it (yep - I'm a total pain in the ass client?!) For me it came down to the physical reactions - which are very, very hard to fake. So she had me watching for those when I was talking about bad stuff and noting when it happened. Which she says is how she know that I'm telling the truth. It's still hard because I don't want to believe it. But that's on me - not her

Hope that helps!

 

[NightSky]

@shimmerz it does feel like a new “layer!” I used to be afraid to talk because I feared I would “convince” her to believe me, which would make me a liar trying to get attention. Now it has switched entirely in that I fear she doesn’t believe me. I don’t remember ever not being believed. But I don’t really have many memories from 0-10 so those kinds of trails aren’t usually ones I can easily follow. I almost never remember the first time feeling something. But that does make sense and I’ll bring it up with my T.

@Freida i have literally told my T the same thing. I’m delusional and have an unknown illness where i make these things up. And at least half of the time, if not more, I really believe that’s true.
Would you mind explaining a little more about physical reactions? I have all kinds of body stuff happen, but when I’m with her I either can’t speak about the flashes or I do so while so out of body I’m like a robot.

 

[MyWillow]

One thing my psydoc constantly brings me back to is The Bigger Picture. That how I’m doing in the here and now is much more important than single incidents in the there and then. That I wasn’t safe then but the adult self can take charge now. We can talk about those incidents if it helps. Or not. I’ve had some very traumatic flashbacks - some make sense and some don’t. It certainly freaks me out that I’m just making this shit up but I’m working on accepting that it’s MY truth and what anyone else thinks is not important.

 

[shimmerz]

We can talk about those incidents if it helps. Or not.

Yeah, I think this is a really good point. It depends on what the flashbacks mean to you as to whether you focus on them or not.

My flashbacks literally took me down and disabled me for days so I needed to understand them. There came a point where I got the 'big picture' of what had happened to me and then it didn't matter anymore. And I think that is a worthwhile discussion.

How important is you remembering what my flashbacks mean to you? If they aren't, then get out of your head and back into your body.

 

[NightSky]

I think the bottom line is I have zero self compassion if I don’t believe them, which makes fighting the symptoms so much harder.
I don’t know if I’ll ever have a big picture. It may always be the unsolvable mystery. And getting out of my head would be amazing. I don’t want to be in my body, either. My head and my body both drive me crazy. ?
I don’t even want to process the flashbacks. But i need them to stop happening because they’re disruptive. They get stuck on repeat and seriously get in the way of living.

 

[MyWillow]

So - for me - flashbacks and nightmares and feeling unsafe are often a reflection that there is way too much happening in my life. Whether that’s in therapy, at work, with family or in any of my volunteer roles. Processing the what and why doesn’t necessarily make me feel any better. In fact it can just be re-traumatising.

Learning to put the brakes on in session, developing better coping skills, taking literally a moment to notice my breathing without judgement, to listen to my body and know I can make a choice, to set boundaries with work/family/committees, to take the time to have a cup of tea. These are the things that make my mind and body feel better. I’m still crap at many of them most of the time but the right team (psydoc, equine psych, trauma sensitive yoga) are all sending me the same message so it’s impossible to ignore ;)

 

[Freida]

Would you mind explaining a little more about physical reactions? I have all kinds of body stuff happen, but when I’m with her I either can’t speak about the flashes or I do so while so out of body I’m like a robot.

Sure! So first, if you haven't read the Body Keeps the Score by Van de Kolk you might give it a look because it really explains it well.
Most of the body stuff I didn't notice until my T pointed it out -- then she walked me through how it associated with a memory.
I'll be talking about something I'm sure I've made up -- say that I remember my head was slammed into a wall - and she will point out I'm holding my head or rubbing the back of it. She will ask - do you feel that? yea, my head hurts. That's the memory of the pain you felt then. The same thing happens with my hands. If my hands start to hurt chances are the memory I'm processing is true - because my hands were injured then, in the past, but my brain doesn't know that so they hurt now, while I'm talking about the incident.

I had to start tracking my triggers, then try to feel what body sensation went with what trigger outside of the session because I couldn't bring myself to talk about it with her. Then I had to figure out what memorie was attached to that trigger. It wasn't easy and took a long while to learn how to do it, because I was still denying the memory was true in the first place. Its kind of like the merry go round from hell!

I would suggest for now just being aware of any pain you have in your body when you are triggered, or any triggers you feel when you have a pain somewhere and jot it down in your journal. The rest will come later as you learn to trust your body to tell you the truth
Does that help?

 

[NightSky]

Yeah, that book is amazing. I’ve read it a few times. Thank you for sharing your experience @Freida. I get body pains that come with various flashbacks and I also have flashbacks that are caused by body pains. But never in her office. I’m too outside my body and really can’t talk about much whenever I’m with another person. So that’s a good idea, to track them in my journal. My T has consistently told me I can’t make up the body stuff. Which i know is true. The various pains and sensations come and go and I can’t control them at all and often don’t know why.
@MyWillow thanks for sharing your experience, too. I didn’t consider that maybe it means there’s too much going on. I assume I have to process these images to get them to stop, and that’s the only way.
Maybe if I can take a more “big picture” approach, it won’t matter if she believes I’m not lying about these specific flashes.