fee for missed session

[mylunareclipse]

need some help processing this/if anyone has been in similar situation.
I started seeing a new T beginning of Dec. He is ok. I think we have some sort of connection/nothing too crazy but we have only met a handful of times so far.
Unfortunately, we met for like 3 times, then he was on xmas break so we didn't see each other for three weeks, then I got sick so I asked for a phone session instead, then we met twice, and then yesterday I had some bad news about something at work/was pulled at work and was unable to leave to go to my session. I emailed him a few min before the session was to start, and I said I understood that he might have to charge me etc. but still when he charged me $225 (the out of network fee), I just got very hurt. I know he did the right thing, but I still felt so hurt. Not only had I just received terrible news at work, but now I had to also pay a $225 fee. Plus the person that I could move towards to feel safe and help me process what happened, was the one that felt like was also was kicking me when was down so didn't feel safe. I emailed him saying I didn't feel safe. He asked if I just wanted to not come back. I do want to go back, I just don't know how to tell my brain that he is not an abuser and he is safe?
It's just so bad luck to have this happen when I have only seen him a few times. I was in therapy for three years with someone before and I never ever canceled in the three years that I saw her, but now this happened. How did you deal with a therapist/mental health provider charging you for a missed session? Were you able to recover? Thanks

 

[Lionheart]

Office rules dictate that I must give 24 hour notice if I need to cancel an appointment or face a 'missed appointment fee', so I know where I stand. If similar rules were not explained to you prior to cancelling I would contest the charges, otherwise I would just make the best of it. Sorry this happened to you.

 

[mylunareclipse]

They were explained and I understand that he must do that. I just can't seem to shake this feeling that he is not "safe". Don't know how to turn to him for help, when I feel like I got kicked by him while in bad position. I know that's not what he did and it's not personal. But that's how it feels. :(

 

[somerandomguy]

Maybe instead of thinking that he's not safe, try thinking of it like he's trying to show a example of good boundary setting? While you wouldn't abuse his time, perhaps other clients he sees would, so he has to set a boundary.

 

[Lionheart]

I know that's not what he did and it's not personal. :(

I would suggest that some part of you still thinks it is personal and that he kicked you while you were down, because you continue to feel that way. Since he didn't and you admit that, it should be easy to let it go, but it isn't so perhaps you could challenge yourself to look at it differently as @somerandomguy has suggested.

 

[mylunareclipse]

thank you. I know I wouldn't even want him to cancel the fee, because it feels like the right thing, but it still hurts. And I agree it feels that if he didn't do that, it would almost be weirder that he would "change" his policy like that.
maybe it's true that some part of me thinks that way? that it's personal? it's like I needed help with what happened yesterday, and now I cannot even approach my therapist because we have this fee problem. Maybe a part of me does feel that he enjoyed thinking of me getting hurt dunno.
it's just we have seen each other for so little, and I feel like he must think I am a flake, I was sick then this thing happened :( and I just I have have never ever canceled with my previous therapist. So in a way it hurts that he might think that I am trying to take advantage of his time, or that I don't value our appt because I do. I didn't do this in purpose...and I feel like he will think that now... confused

 

[somerandomguy]

Well, people cancel all the time due to work commitments. I've had to do it a few times myself. It doesn't feel good, but sometimes you don't have a choice. You could definitely bring it up with him. I'm sure he would say that it's really not a big deal.

 

[Sideways]

Healthy relationships with healthy boundaries feels unsafe. Makes perfect sense to me.

But having identified “this is a feeling”, it doesn’t need to dictate how you choose to behave. It feels unsafe, but actually you’ve just been reassured that you can rely on this T to stick to the clear boundaries he’s set.

Learning new patterns of behaviour and trust is going to feel uncomfortable. That’s ok. It’s uncomfortable while your brain relearns what is actually healthy and safe. It gets easier if you stick with it:)

 

[grit]

need some help processing this/if anyone has been in similar situation.
I started seeing a new T beginning of Dec. He is ok. I think we have some sort of connection/nothing too crazy but we have only met a handful of times so far.
Unfortunately, we met for like 3 times, then he was on xmas break so we didn't see each other for three weeks, then I got sick so I asked for a phone session instead, then we met twice, and then yesterday I had some bad news about something at work/was pulled at work and was unable to leave to go to my session. I emailed him a few min before the session was to start, and I said I understood that he might have to charge me etc. but still when he charged me $225 (the out of network fee), I just got very hurt. I know he did the right thing, but I still felt so hurt. Not only had I just received terrible news at work, but now I had to also pay a $225 fee. Plus the person that I could move towards to feel safe and help me process what happened, was the one that felt like was also was kicking me when was down so didn't feel safe. I emailed him saying I didn't feel safe. He asked if I just wanted to not come back. I do want to go back, I just don't know how to tell my brain that he is not an abuser and he is safe?
It's just so bad luck to have this happen when I have only seen him a few times. I was in therapy for three years with someone before and I never ever canceled in the three years that I saw her, but now this happened. How did you deal with a therapist/mental health provider charging you for a missed session? Were you able to recover? Thanks

You are right to be hurt and your feelings are hurt but look at it this way if you can. There are many many ways to look at this but I will list couple scenarios to help you out. Some are practical and some are beliefs you have from the past that may be worth for discussion (and I think this triggering is the deep reaction).

It is good you are super aware of your hurt feelings? And you acknowledge it and you call it right. This is good (you could be anger or disappointed or avoid the whole thing…so this good.) you are hurt, felt it and articulated it.

It is a belief that you are attaching a professional payment and safety – this is (most likely not an objective reality ---whatever that is). Feeling safe and paying a fee are not related. You could still be hurt or abused in free therapy or in any sort of relationships. So this feeling is a belief you have that says the therapist’ care and concerns are only good if you are not hurt or not paying the fee but is that really true?

The talk about kicking you down and safety feeling again – your feelings and not impression on him. You cancelled it not him and you were feeling down and even if you went to therapy that day, you would probably still process hardship things.

Safety is a big thing for you and it is attached to a lot of things and the fact you are new to him means, you may be assessing your safety still.

If he lets go for free, in fairness, he has to do that for all clients and these kind of clients can cancel any time and then this therapist (a man a human) cannot make his living too.

Ask yourself, how often do you give free service at work?

I think this touched a soft spot for you and it is worth to discuss about it. It is actually really good you are discussing about it here already. I hope you are feeling good about yourself for being honest, authentic and real.

 

[Friday]

I emailed him a few min before the session was to start, and I said I understood that he might have to charge me etc.

Do you often speak in code, or struggle with being passive aggressive?

Like he “should” have known that “might have to” = “please, for the love of all that’s holy, DO NOT do this!!!”

That would make the unsafe thing make sense, if in your head you begged him not to, and he did anyway. Even though in reality you said yes, or said what you thought you were “supppsed” to say, when you meant no.

Not saying this IS what you did, just curious if it may be a piece of it.

 

[shimmerz]

I can totally understand how hurt me equal unsafe to you. I think hurt means Unsafe to most of us who have been traumatized.

I wonder if you could possibly notice that hurt can come in different directions. It’s not always linked to trauma.

I was charged once for missing a therapist appointment. I was absolutely destroyed although, like you, I understood on an intellectual level why he was charging me for the appointment.

But a whole bunch of emotions came up there. It felt unfair in some ways and unfair who’s a huge emotional when I was punished by people in my youth.

I have made a mistake. And making a mistake most definitely lead to danger back in my youth.

I had disappointed my therapist. Disappointment never seem to be a good deal in my world. It always lead to some form of bad happening to me.

I felt stupid. Like an idiot. I was neither of those things though.

I think this whole thing may be a good way of being able to pull apart some emotions that are all wrapped into feeling hurt. I’m wondering if you could see it as an exercise in revisiting all of those ugly twisted up feelings that come with being and abused or traumatized person.

Personally, I see it as you being very responsible. You could be fighting this tooth and nail but you’re not. You recognize that you played a part in this no matter how bad the timing was. That’s damn good. And a really good opportunity to make new neural connections

 

[Justmehere]

I emailed him saying I didn't feel safe. He asked if I just wanted to not come back. I do want to go back, I just don't know how to tell my brain that he is not an abuser and he is safe?

For all the other sessions, has he been safe? Weigh out the evidence that you have so far and know that the feelings may not match for a little while. Feelings are important, but not always accurate.