Feel Guilt Since My Attack

[C1985]

Its been a year and a half since a brutal attack and ive felt like ive still tried to carry on.. I have a son.. I have a husband.. Loving family... But that damn attack has made me feel such deep dark thoughts. Itbfeels like all the love and support in my life isnt worth it.. And sometimes i feel like i wish he just wouldve killed me.. How do i begin to feel deserving of my second chance again?

 

[Deadman]

Remind yourself every day that what happened to you does not define who you are.

Remember that you have a family that knows the real you.

Ask for help if you can't do it alone.

 

[nerfmercy]

I also struggle with the thought of why didn't i die. It's a really hard complex that people who haven't been through something to cause them thoughts like that to understand. I try to remind myself that everything happens for a reason. That i wasn't killed because i am still meant for this world. There is a reason why i am still here. You just have to try and look at each day as it comes. Try and find one happy thing about your day. One achievement, even if its just brushing your hair. There's always a reason to why we didn't die in the situation. Even if it is a small reason such as brushing your hair.

I hope this makes sense.

 

[arfie]

You just took my personal favorite first step in the process, C. Forming the question well enough to ask and be understood is a critical step in my own healing process. I don't ever seem to get far on getting the ^right^ answer to the wrong question.

How are you feeling now? Feel any clearer on exactly what the problem is? If not, keep trying. If so, sit with it a while. When you are ready for the next step, you will know what the next step should be.

 

[CactusArt]

I have dealt with this thought on and off for the past couple years. What my therapist suggested to help is to continually remind myself that I am worthy of love and nothing that happened to me was my fault. I also had my therapist suggest writing down a few things each day that went well, even if it was a rough day. She also told me that I am allowed to feel upset at times even though I have people who support me. She stressed that I should not dwell on thoughts or entirely ignore them, but acknowledge them for a few minutes and attempt to move on. It gets easier with practice.

Sometimes I imagine stuffing my thoughts into a box in my head in order to get rid of them. It seems silly, but when you do it enough it really does work.

It is a hard thought to overcome, but I often will think about "How I am less deserving of life than before my abuse?" And the answer is I'm not any less deserving of life. Deep down, you are still the person you were before the attack, and like someone else mentioned, the traumatic event does not make you who you are.
I know I may not have been of much help, but just know you are not alone in these thoughts.