Feel Like A Friend, Not A Girlfriend.

[Deleted member 27181]

My boyfriend puts up with me, I love him and he's amazing and in 2 days, we'll be going to Spain with his family. His parents are over protective and like their rules, they aren't strict but they have boundaries and such, which is completely understandable.
When my boyfriend stays at my house for the night, we sleep in the same room. His parents know this. But, when I stay at his house, I am in the spare room on my own. This is difficult for me.. 1) I'm in a room I'm not comfortable with and 2) my boyfriend is kind of like my safety net and I seem to only be able to sleep and feel like I've slept when he's there, its psychological and probably not good for me, but whatever.

So, this trip to spain. I'm not allowed to stay in the same room as him until the second week of the holiday when we'll be going to a different villa (and meeting up with some other family members and sharing the villa with them, so I have to share a room with him - not bed - because there aren't enough rooms). I'm kind of freaking out a little now.

I'll be in a different country (my trauma took place in a different country, so I have a lot to deal with on this holiday such as the flight, being abroad, unfamiliarity etc), I'll be on my own in my own room, I'll be with people I barely know (his family) and then to top it off, when we are beside the pool or in the house, I pretty much get to act like his friend for the entire holiday.

I'm not okay with this. I need comfort and hugs and saftey and I don't get that when we have to be a mile apart and sleeping in different rooms. I know this probably sounds clingy, but I need it. I'm going to be in a different country, practically on my own, without my mum or family.

The way I see it, is my boyfriend is like my branch out into the world. Like I wont be comfortable with his family and such, unless he is there reassuring me. That kind of thing. Take that away from me and put me in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people and I'm going to breakdown. My boyfriend keeps saying 'hope for the best' and such, in hopes his parents change their mind, but they wont. And I'm not getting my hopes up..

I don't know what to do? This holiday is going to be a disaster full of panic attacks and nightmares and god knows how many flashbacks and dissociative episodes. I'm so screwed.

As well as all of that, not being able to sleep in the same bed as him, not even in the same room, makes me feel like some glorified friend or guest whenever I stay at his house. I can't help but expect this holiday to give me the same feeling.

 

[digger]

Can I ask what age you are?
I kind of think that if you're boyfriend is still living in his parents house, then their house rules are what you go by...

The holiday is a little different, but presuming you are both adults and above the age of consent(?) perhaps sitting down and having a conversation about what you want to do? If you're not adults, then again, I think if they're taking you on holiday with them, it's their rules that go.

Probably not what you wanted to hear - sorry.

 

[Deleted member 27181]

I'm 16, he is 17. I'm 17 in a matter of days. And the age of consent here is 16. We're not asking to have sex and to be honest, I don't think I'll want to whilst I'm on this holiday. We're asking to sleep in the same room. I understand their boundaries and they can have all the rules they like, I don't understand, however, how they allow him to sleep at my house in my room, but not me at his in his room. I just dislike how they treat me more like his friend than his girlfriend. We've been together almost a year. It's just a bit of a shitty feeling.

Like I said, I respect their rules and such, which is why I would never confront them on it. But, I just wanted to let it all out here, it'd be nice to feel like a girlfriend whilst I'm around them.

Besides.. they're taking me on holiday with them. Doesn't that say enough, I'm not his friend. I said before, I don't want to have sex and all that, I just want to sleep in the same bed and feel comfortable and not alone on this holiday. I'm honestly considering backing out, just because of this. It's a petty thing and his family would hate me for it, but I don't see myself being able to cope.

 

[digger]

It's a tricky one and I do feel for you - you say there that you'd never confront them over this - does this mean you and your boyfriend haven't sat down and talked with them about this at all? It doesn't have to be a confrontation. It can just be a conversation. A discussion.

I should say that I'm coming at this from being the parent of a sixteen year old. I can see why they 'allow' him to sleep in your room at your house - because they accept that different people have different house rules and boundaries and they don't have the right to interfere in the rules of your house - that's my take on it anyway. That doesn't mean they have to like them though or to change their house rules to accommodate your houserules if you see what I mean?

Honestly though, I would speak to them (not confront them) The worst is they say no and you're in the same place you are now.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't know anyone who's parents would have been OK with a 16 year old and a 17 year old sharing a bed together. It doesn't matter what the age of consent is.....yes, you two are both underage. The age of "consent" here in the USA is also 16, but yes, at that age, you are STILL underage, and what the parents wants, pretty much goes. I know this isn't what you want to hear. And to be honest, even if you were an adult, I would STILL say that its the parents rules as you are their guest. I ran up against the same thing when I was an adult, and if the parents want certain sleeping arrangements, then that's what goes.

I honestly think you're on a slippery slope in making your boyfriend your "safety net" or whatever. This pretty much flies in the face of everything they teach you in trauma therapy, and well, now you know why. This is the time that your boyfriend can't be there to save you, and you have to deal with the consequences. Again, I'm not trying to be harsh, but now is the time when you will have to learn to sink or swim. Depend on those coping skills instead of running to someone to support you. I know you're young, but there will never be any *one* or any *thing* that will always be there to keep you safe, so the sooner you learn these coping skills, the better.

Its good to have support, but at the same time I think that perhaps you will need to give yourself a little distance from your boyfriend in order to strengthen your own coping skills. Instead of running to him for support, you'll have to learn to sleep on your own and feel safe. You'll have to learn to do just about everything without picking up the phone and calling him in order to keep yourself out of a flashback or episode or whatever.

I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but I think you need to start practicing your grounding skills and coping skills. You don't realize how great it is to be learning these things so young, but if you constantly depend on others to make you feel safe, you'll have squandered your gift of time.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I know that you posted in the past that you were looking forward to this trip, at least I think you did, I know you mentioned it and I took it that you were looking forward to it. Can you remind yourself of the reasons why you were looking forward to it? And if I have that part wrong, then change that to, can you think of some positives about the trip?

I think it's a huge step to be going out of the country at all. I've never left my country and I am much older than you. I've traveled quite a bit, but never left the country. That was all before PTSD though. I think it's great that you are going and I think even though it might not be the ideal set up, you will be with people who are familiar with you. Even if you don't like his parents' rules, you must be comfortable enough around them as people to go on holiday with them. I find it really, really hard to focus on positives, but, nonetheless, I think it is helpful so try it if you can.

 

[Springer80]

I'm not going down the consent route or the parents rules route. What I wonder about is this...you love each other right. You ARE boyfriend and girlfriend. So if you have to stay in separate rooms whilst away, that doesn't mean you have to behave like strangers the rest of the time does it? You hold hands, you kiss, you hug each other and sit next to each other and do silly stuff together?!

I know what it's like not to feel totally comfortable within a family group. I also think that boys mothers rarely think the girl that their son is going out with is good enough. Even if they like you, there's this mother tiger thing with sons in a lot of cases.

Also, you do not have to spend every minute in the presence of his family, do you? You can go for walks or stay up later etc. And the second week you do get to be in the same room. There isn't anything stopping you from getting cuddles.

I would talk to your boyfriend about how your feeling. Maybe he feels a bit piggy in the middle about these rules, or even a bit embarrassed that they have been imposed on him by his family and he has to abide by them in front of you.
When I say talk to him I don't mean ask him to change the rules because that won't solve anything and it is their house/holiday but you can say it's making you feel a bit insecure, your worried that don't accept you enough and you need to make sure he makes you feel secure and special so you have a nice holiday.

You know it won't be perfect all the time but you might have some really nice times and unfortunately this is just one of the awkward rites of passage of still dealing with parents rules at the age you are. I bet every one on here remembers a holiday of some description with their family when they thought 'God, I can't wait until I get to go on holiday with my mates/partner on our own.'

 

[KwanYingirl]

I agree with everything that's been posted. All I want to say is you have been given a gift to visit one of the most friendly and happy countries in the world. Spain is beautiful and the people are too. The weather is great it is very relaxed. I have been to every country in Europe and the two places I would spend money to return to are Spain and Portugal.

If all they're asking in return is your abstinence, well that is the deal of the year. Refocus your energy. Stop ruminating about how horrible it will be because that's just going to be a self fulfilling prophecy. When you feel your thoughts going to the negative, have a positive affirmation to counteract it with. Here's one you can borrow:
Worry doesn't take the sorrow out of tomorrow. It saps today of joy.

Have a wonderful vacation! Lucky you! Hug your pillow or pack a teddy bear for snuggles. We all must learn how to be alone and to be ok with it. Wait til you experience Spain are you going to the east coast? Fun, fun, fun!

 

[Friday]

There's a whole lot more to being in a relationship than sex &/or sharing the same sleeping spot.

My suggestion would be to explore those aspects of being in a relationship.

"Feeling like a girlfriend" is a whole lot more complex than you're allowing it to be at present. Just sex = F-buddy or friends with benefits. Not a relationship. Just sleep = crutch/teddy bear. Not a relationship. You're still in a relationship whether you're across the hall, or across the continent. That it doesn't feel that way / you feel totally alone if he's 10 feet away? Is a little concerning.

_________

Sleeping alone trick: Wear his deodorant or aftershave to bed. Snag a big shirt, or pair of boxers as PJs. Olfactory & other sensory triggers can be used in a good way.

 

[Deleted member 27181]

I'm not saying that us not sleeping together is the be all and end all. I can sleep in another room and I will try and enjoy my time there.

I honestly think you're on a slippery slope in making your boyfriend your "safety net" or whatever.

I don't really care if it's a slipperly slope or whatever, I can honestly say, without him.. I'd have no idea where I would be. So for now, until I do learn other ways of coping in therapy (which is for me and my therapist to decide when), he is staying as my saftey net as long as he'll have me.

So if you have to stay in separate rooms whilst away, that doesn't mean you have to behave like strangers the rest of the time does it? You hold hands, you kiss, you hug each other and sit next to each other and do silly stuff together?!

I get this, and this is the approach I've adpoted tonight whilst I was getting packed and such. I'm trying to stay positive. But we can't do anything even close to holding hands in front of his family.. I'm too self-concious and so we never do. So I guess it's partly my fault I feel more like a friend.

And yes, feeling like a girlfriend is more complex than I'm allowing it to be right now, however, right now.. part of me doesn't feel like a girlfriend. Amongst this, it's the fact we barely go on dates (granted, no money to do so), we never really just sit and talk about random things etc. It's almost like I feel too much like a girlfriend, that I don't feel like one. Like we're missing out the key components to being friends at the same time as well as being boyfriend and girlfriend.. I don't know how to explain it.

Thank you all for the posts.

I get what being in a relationship is, and that it's so much more than just sleeping in the same room. And I never said we didn't have those other aspects of the relationship, however, sleeping in the same room, whilst in a completely differen't country, would give my mind rest and save it from worrying and stressing out so much. I posted here because I wanted to talk to people who understood how it was to feel a certain way but not be able to do anything about it because that would mean explaining why I wanted to sleep in the same room so much, to his parents. I didn't, though, come here and post to get replies back about how I'm underage, how his parent's word is law.. I said in my first post that I respect their rules and boundaries and I am not going to push them or brake them. If I was his parents, I wouldn't allow it either. I just wanted support from the community, since I don't think my boyfriend fully grasps what it means to me and I can't get the support I need/want from my own family/his family.

Anyway, my trauma happened thousands of miles away from home. On saturday, I will be going on a plane for the first time since and I'm almost guaranteed to have a panic attack or flashback in front of his family. Starting Saturday I'll be in a different country, with people I barely know well enough to feel fully comfortable with. On the nights, as well as already dissociating and hallucinating at home before sleeping, I'll be in a new room, with out my boyfriend to hug when I wake up from a bad dream, and the dissociation will most likely be worse than it is at home. I know it sounds like I'm just rambling on about how bad I think it'll be, but to me, saying how I honestly think it's going to go is better than giving myself false hope. The whole positive thinking doesn't work for me, I tried it.

I'm trying to, however, go with an open mind and not let myself get caught up in my own negativity. I guess I'll try to separate negative thoughts from actions (i.e. not slouch around all day in PJs eating ice cream whilst in a beautiful country with a pool like 10m away from the house).

Sorry if I seemed like a typical 16 year old girl moaning on about relationship problems. I'm simply terrified of this holiday and I thought I'd be okay to come here and seek out some support. So thanks to everyone who has posted.

Maybe he feels a bit piggy in the middle about these rules, or even a bit embarrassed that they have been imposed on him by his family and he has to abide by them in front of you.

Just a last point, I've talked to him - a lot - about this. Through tears and what not, he understand how much it means to me and he wants to stay in the same room just as much as I do. I've told him not to feel bad or really anything about my getting upset, since it's not him imposing the rules. Even then, I'm not upset at his parents or anything, they're wonderful people and I appreciate this holiday so much. So I told him I'm just generally upset and a bit lost of how I fit in on this holiday. I know we can hug and cuddle and such when we are on our own.

The other thing that slightly bugs me, is that his parents know we have sex. They told my boyfriend earlier tonight when he brought up sleeping accomodations again. So, they know we have sex (sometimes when we are at his house) yet they're still not okay with us sleeping in the same bed - yet they are okay with us having sex. All my boyfriend's mum said was 'Don't get her pregnant' and left it at that pretty much. So that's left me feeling a little confused I guess.

(Any parents out there care to explain this part.. I'd appreciate that).

 

[Friday]

There's a difference between knowing & approving, as well as a difference between assisting in areas you feel strongly about & encouraging things you don't approve of.

If I know my son is having sex
- he gets the mother of all military sex ed chats (these are really brutal, and pretty much guarantee getting tested, always. Forever. And even after. Trust but verify x10)
- he gets free contraceptives, and free STI screenings
- he gets someone to chat up about stuff. (Yeah. Sex on the beach sounds romantic. You just learned it's not. Next time being a sheet. Use antibiotic cream on the chafe, dude. You don't want that infected.)
He does not get
- accommodations (use some imagination boyo)
- funding for those accommodations (you want to spend it, earn it, I'm not financing your sex life)
- a blind eye (dude. I'm not stupid.)
- a free pass on rudeness (I don't sleep with people where he has to listen to it / be hyper aware of it, do me the same courtesy).

I can't stop him from having sex (unless I want to lock him in a box).
I can make sure he at least has the ability to be safe(r)
I can set boundaries for behavior which encourage honesty, without being a doormat.

Same thing with drinking.
I won't buy him alcohol, but I'll come pick his drunk ass up, and don't you dare throw up in my car.
He doesn't have to hide it from me, he does need to be responsible and respectful.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Honestly, if you don't care that it's a slippery slope, then I must ask why are you here? This statement is an indication that you don't want to actually do anything for yourself in order to heal and you are still looking for a savior. Yes, many go through this stage, and I just hope that you can see that you need to learn to depend on yourself and your own skills, because.....even though depending on another has gotten you into a bind, you still don't care. What if he dumps you? Will you then start working on finding that inner strength, or will you look for another guy to keep you safe? I'm telling you right here and right now, that if you actually put the work into developing a set of coping and grounding skills, that you can get to the point where you can summon a skill and literally feel calm within moments. No external object or person needed, as it is all within you. But, these skills don't come naturally, they must be cultivated over time. It took me almost a year of practicing my meditation before I was able to calm myself within moments. I have heard others say much the same.....and it was almost a year of feeling no effects of this skill before it actually worked for me. So please, even though it is easy to go to someone else to get that "safe" feeling, it pales in comparison to being able to make yourself feel safe from within.