Feel like i'm losing my mind

[SunDog]

Hi there,

I'm new to the forum. I'm not much of a talker but I'm feeling so bad right now I felt I needed to reach out to people who get it and can maybe give me some advise.

I have complex PTSD from childhood trauma and abuse and have in the past had brushes wish suicide. I'll keep it vague for now and I'll talk about the trauma itself some other time. It's a lot to go through and it's hard to function thinking about it.

Recently, I have tried to help a friend with suicidal thoughts and moods while he was going through somw hard stuff. It made me emotionally go back to a time when I felt suicidal which is when I started feeling "off" and irritable. The friend is fine. How do I know he's fine? Because I realised he was doing this for attention and wasn't suicidal at all. His problems were made up and never happened. And he only ever comes round if something is wrong. I made the mistake of putting my all into this guy and trying to help him. I went to places in my head I didn't want to go. And spent entire nights ip waiting for a call if he felt suicidal and was always worried for him.

Now he has moved on to other friends all of a sudden and I've been discarded like trash. Turns out I was a "secret" friend. I usually wouldn't be in such a state over people but it's the flashbacks this entire episode that has got me feeling so bad.

I am constantly shaking with anger, crying my eyes out one minute and numb the next. I can't sleep properly. Sweats and nightmares.

Do you guys have any advice on how to ease the anger for a start? I feel like I'm losing my mind today. I feel absolutely wiped out. Plus, physically; I have lost a lot of weight, I have an eye twitch and my pulse is 170 bpm in resting state. It's been so long since I was this bad and I feel like I'm starting from scratch.

I'm so sorry for the rant... I really need your advice on this.

Thank you for reading.

 

[Deleted member 46752]

Sending good vibes...it sounds like a case of narcissistic abuse IMO especially about the part regarding "discard". Such encounters can produce real havoc on someone I'm sorry this happened to you. Also sorry but what is your current standing with said person? Hope all is well

 

[SunDog]

Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I know it was long and it is really nice to see your reply.
My wife likes this guy and is one of these people who's weakness is always being the one to go out of their way to help others. But even she thinks this is getting draining.
Problem being I am done with him. I don't think he'll be in touch again unless he has another problem. He never asks how we are and there was an entire week where he would message both of us 3 times a day over nothing. Just clingy in the extreme.
I told her that if he appears again I'm not going to be buying his crap anymore. He's taken too much of our own time and energy in trying to help with problems he doesn't even have. I always on the side of caution take suicide seriously... But he mentions it when he is just bored and when he does come round he is happy as larry.
I gave him a number for a suicide hotline and told him to go to the GP.
Told him to stop being so clingy and gave him constructive advise on how to solve his issues. But I don't think he wants solutions. Just attention and sympathy.
Problem is I feel like a mug and have ended up in a terrible headspace now because it's brought back old memories. I'm done with him. And I told my wife that if he tries this again and appears with another one of his problems I'm not going to be so polite.
I'm only not telling him to sling his hook out loud because he's my wife's friend who has gotten to know me through her. I don't want to tell her who to hang out with because that would be wrong.
But when I see him my stomach actually sinks. He drains the life out of the place. Still... Feel like a mug for falling for that kind of thing.
Hope that makes sense.

 

[Chiqui]

Sorry you are going through this. I haven't an answer for myself. Why do I do It, too?
I see someone I know is depressed, for instance. I have experienced severe depression myself, but now I feel stable (after lots of time, personal sorrow and effort ).
But I decide I can help and put all my energy on her. I Use the little energy I have. And...she is ok, no much strugle at all, and me..from stable to mad: triggers come to eat me, lots of rest time needed, feeling stupid and you know what? Depressed.. and feeling I have to start alllll over again. Angry and resentful.
Time goes on. I suffer my personal hell and later guess what? I start again.
Just thinking that we must stop doing this to ourselves.

 

[SunDog]

I'm sorry you went through that too Chiqui. I agree... We do it to ourselves but it's one of those things that you only realise when the damage is done. It doesn't usually have such a cost to my mental health when things like this occur but for some reason I feel like I've undone my progress with PTSD in one swoop.

I haven't slept right in ages, the anger is always there. I keep getting really vivid nightmares. Usually they are about the subject but kind of distorted or disguised. Lately it's been a full on replay over and over again. I wake up sweating and hyperventilating which hasn't happened in a long time.
I don't want to eat and I feel like someone has opened Pandora's box with the trauma I worked so hard to deal with and put away.
I hope you're okay... I hope that what went on with you and this friend isn't too recent. It's soul draining. Sending big hugs.

 

[Chiqui]

@SunDog

"I keep getting really vivid nightmares. Usually they are about the subject but kind of distorted or disguised."

Everynight. And I awake angry and with headache, almost every morning. Close ones knows that I am like a grizzly bear

"It doesn't usually have such a cost to my mental health when things like this occur but for some reason I feel like I've undone my progress withPTSD in one swoop"

I know exactly this feeling. It is a heart breaker...I still fighting with this stuff, now and then, not because that friend, thats over, but with the core and relatives of my trauma.
Are you visiting any doctor for your ptsd and following a treatment with meds? This two things have been a live saving for me.
Stay safe

 

[Deleted member 46752]

Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I know it was long and it is really nice to see your repl...

I'm sorry to hear this, this event seems to fit in line with narcissistic abuse and your response is fully normal although even though it is quite distressing. I would try to go no contact with said individual and in time you should be able to mend your wounds. Emotional vampires are very real and very scary. First step to healing is acknowledge your hurt as real then continue with no contact. All the best

 

[SunDog]

Just want to thank you both for writing in. It really made me feel better seeing your posts.

I am on meds (beta blockers and antidepressants) and used to go to counseling. More than anything it was time and just slowly setting myself goals and routines that got me better. Helped me rebuild my self esteem and feel a senblance of control. I did CBT which helped, counselling wasn't great since I find it hard to talk about it and it usually left me in a worse state than when I came in. I actually felt I was over it until this guy came into our lives. He's my wife's colleague from an old job and they used to get along. He just seems to have come in out of nowhere and taken over. I guess it's time I put my foot down then...
Tommy Sunlight - emotional vampire just about hits it on the head. So I will take what you and Chiqui said on board and close off contact. I'll speak to my wife about it later today.
But thank you for your replies. It means a lot!
Chiqui - I'm sorry you're going through that. Sending you good vibes wherever you are. We both know it gets better but every now again we will trip up. I hope in time we both get the confidence in ourselves to not fall for this kind of person and focus on healing.

 

[Fancy Dancy]

How do you feel about the topic of empathy?

I'm a super empath. It's hard to be around others and moderate what of them I take on. But for friends I would take any amount of their pain, take it upon myself, wishing I could rid them of these horrible feelings and experiences. I'm better with it these days, but I've had experiences like this. Getting used. Manipulated. Drained. Put my all into someone, get sucked dry and dumped. I try to be more cautious of who I allow myself to feel empathy for because I feel it in extreme ways and it can be taxing. I've even had the "suicide manipulation" crap pulled on me. And, like you, I take suicide very seriously, not just brushing it off for no reason.

If it's an idea you're open to it might be worth exploring emotional connections as an empath.