Feeling Alone And Broken

[emily95]

I don't even know where to begin.

I haven't written here for quite a while but I really didn't know where to turn.

Like so many, I've had a complicated and traumatic past. Briefly, I was sexually assaulted when I was twelve, all throughout school I was bullied horrendously, gradually became severely depressed, tried to kill myself several times, was taken by social services and about a year ago, I went back home. Reading back on this list, I see that it doesn't even begin to cover what I've been through and take into account that this has spanned over eight or so years. It was only when I was seventeen that I finally spoke up about what happened to me, so for more than five years I was suffering alone that's over 1,900 days. Those of you out there for whom getting through each day, no each moment is such a struggle, try to consider such a length of time.

And after I spoke up, it was still not over, it really irks me how people think that once you've come out and shared what's happened to you that, you know, you're all better. But NO! There is no escaping what has happened to you living each day feeling worthless waste, you cannot run from your memories and unfortunately the bad ones tend to have such visual clarity. Personally, the worst part, is that once you've spoken up, after having suffered alone for so long people say "you know you could have talked about it with me" but soon after when you are perhaps having a bad day and would say to them "I'm not doing too well today" they say "naaah, you're fine" like as if they know better how you are feeling or as if they are sick of hearing how 'sad' you are. It sickens me! Who are they to tell me how I am feeling! They don't seem to realise that this internal struggle is far from over! Most of us cannot just get over what happened to us just like that!

I have just had to sit back a moment and stop myself from continuing this blood boiling rant, I didn't even notice the tears streaming down my face.

So continuing, I have thus given up talking to people about how I feel completely. Now in my isolate thoughts I grow lonely.

Currently, I am at home with my family. Last summer when I spoke up, my family, more specifically my younger sisters (I am the eldest) did not believe me, in fact they showed no support and stopped speaking to me altogether. I would be fine if they left it at that but they feel that treating me like a piece of toxic waste is the way to go. They really are despicable. They throw horrendous insults at me, ruin my property and so many other things. I'll give a few examples:

- I did GCSE art and used to really enjoy painting. Well, I had this pencil study up in my room and I came home one day to find it had been torn up into little pieces. Now those of you out there who perhaps enjoy painting or drawing can understand me when I say I was fuming, I could have... I don't know but I was furious.

- Every time they walk into a room that I am in, they will look at me in disgust and sprout such obscenities I feel I belong in Cirque Du Freak.

- The other day, someone I know confronted me and asked me if I had a younger sister and I replied that I did in fact and told them who. They then said to me that my sister had said that she was the eldest. This means that she has even gone so far as to completely disregard my existence. When I heard this, I was filled with such utter sadness and I was overcome with this deep pain, that is very difficult to describe.


Right now, each day I really feel that I am getting more and more depressed and anxious. My flashbacks and nightmares are becoming fore vivid and frequent. And overall, I am just feeling so alone, I literally have no one to talk to, I feel I am on the brink of starting to self harm again, it really is just so tempting. Suicide feels like it is now an option. I just do not know what to do. I had a therapist a while ago and I wouldn't have stopped seeing her if it weren't for her telling me that I don't need to see her anymore. When you physically have no one around you, who do you turn to??

Well I see this thread is getting pretty long so thanks for reading this, anyone who got to the end.

My heart is sore for those of you who have suffered in your life, no one deserves this pain.

Emily

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Emily, I empathise with you all the way. When I finally owned up that there was a major problem with my life due to my numerous abuses from age 2 until I was in fact an 18yr old I found myself shunned by my wife and eldest children. Many other members of my own family have also shut the door on me. My wife went as far as to tell our 4 yr old daughter Hannah " Daddy is a liar, don't listen to him he is not ill he is just a bad man." This after her telling me I had to tell Hannah why I was not at home any more after an eight week absence. For a four year old to understand I told her, "Daddy is ill hunny and the Doctors want Daddy to get better before he comes home." This worked to quell her angst and tears at bedtime. being told what her mum had said really hurt me and sent me spiralling back into depression. Four months on I am living with my PTSD (Complex) by immersing myself in it and talking openly about it. I have found that if I tell people and show them that in fact I can mend myself after nearly 30 years that I am not "abnormal" as some people view me. I have found also that by writing my life history in chronological order I can revisit those memories and places that have scared and hurt me so much.. I hope this helps and feel free to chat anytime.

Kind regards

Laurie71

 

[digger]

Currently, I am at home with my family.

This really doesn't sound like a very good space for healing in. I'm not sure how old you are from reading this - am I right in assuming you are 18 now? Is there anywhere else you could live?

I had a therapist a while ago and I wouldn't have stopped seeing her if it weren't for her telling me that I don't need to see her anymore. When you physically have no one around you, who do you turn to??

When you were seeing her, did you find it helpful? Have you seen your GP about getting referred to anyone? Are you in college at the moment? - most colleges have some kind of counselling service attached to them that you should be able to access if you think it might help.

Sorry, feel like I'm just bombarding you with questions, just trying to get a better idea of your situation and options available to you.

 

[JellyB]

If I understand your post, you are isolating and having suicidal ideation - both part of PTSD as we all know. For me, I have those pre-dominant symptoms at the moment as well as some others. I spend most of my time, literally, in isolation. My only trips out of the house in 3 months have been to my psychiatrist who I see every single week. My husband does not care to deal with the PTSD and what is going on and yes, I have often thought the pain was too much to bear alone. Every day is different but I think you should try to see a therapist or psychiatrist - someone who will listen to you and help you with some goal setting. Don't do it for anyone else, do it for you --- try to push negative thoughts to the back of your mind and try to occupy your time with something constructive that will take your mind off it for a little while.

Baby steps - not huge goals - for instance, for me, I make a plan for each day on my phone like an "itinerary" - sometimes I get nothing done and then the next day is overwhelmed with "tasks" and that makes me panic so I have reduced the number of things that I am asking myself to do - for two reasons 1. I don't want to be overwhelmed like that and 2. I need to work on my sense of accomplishment so that I can see that I am worthy of being here (and I don't know that it is working but it does occupy my mind and help me concentrate). This past two weeks I have taught myself to knit (who knew I could knit??haha - not me) - I made 8 childrens hats and will donate them to Salvation Army. I also made a tile mosaic which took me DAYS but not all at one time.

I hope you try seeing a professional. They can help you set those goals. You are a worthwhile person and have been through so much, you can do this!

 

[Bluerose]

We all want someone to know what we are dealing with. We are all looking for support and understanding. But the trouble is that everyone has their own problems and most of them are incapable of taking on other people’s difficulties. That’s why therapist make such a lucrative living at listening to other people.

It’s a tough fact to face but most folks can listen for a while and be sympathetic but that’s about it. In the end, you are the one who has to do the healing. Your recovery is down to you.

Rather than spending all our time and energy on trying to work out why we were hurt in the first place, and why we still hurt so much, I think we should be working to become stronger in ourselves. This would allow us to deal with anyone who might try to cause us suffering. It would also help with recovery.

Living with people who behave like they don’t want you around must be very difficult. I hope you don’t mind me saying, but I think your time and energy would be better spent working out how you can move away from what sounds like a toxic situation.

Having said that, we usually get back what we give out. So if it’s understanding you seek, it might help you to try to understand them. You may be too young to get that. But it’s a known fact that if we want love we must be willing to give love. If we want understanding, we must be willing to understand. If we want someone to listen, we must be willing to listen too.