Feeling Guilty For Being Alive

[Manic11]

When I was a teen, I had a group of friends. We were almost always together and were all very close. We connected and stuck by each other because we were all being abused. There were about 10 of us in this group. To this day, only 3 of us are still alive. One of them that passed was my partner. All expect one passed away from suicide.

I have always felt so guilty for not remembering all the dates that they have passed. I only remember the date of my partner passing and one other friend. I'm horrible with dates and we were on drugs and things then. I don't remember the dates. I feel like such a horrible person for that....

Anyway, the one year of my friend passing is coming up soon. Also, my partners birthday is coming up soon then in the new year, the anniversary of his passing. All so close together...
I don't really know how to handle those days. I feel that I should be doing something special the day of their passing or behaving a certain way. I feel guilty if I'm relaxing and watching TV or doing something I enjoy... I especially don't know what to do for my partners birthday....
Right after he passed away, I promised myself I wouldn't be alive for his birthday and I was....Then I promised myself I wouldn't be alive for the one year of his passing and I was. Now its coming up to his birthday again and I feel very guilty for being alive...

Does anyone have any ideas for what I could/should do on these days (both the anniversary of their passing and my partner's birthday)?

Also...how do I deal with not knowing the dates of my other friends? Am I a horrible friend?

Thanks.
Manic

 

[SunnyBrookFarm]

Manic -

First, you are NOT a horrible friend. There are days I can't remember my kids birthdays. I can never remember the date that my ex (my daughter's dad) died and it "sneaks up" on her every year.

It sounds to me that it was a traumatic time in your life and your mind dealt with it as best it could. I'm not surprised one bit that you don't remember all the dates.

I think your friends would want you to honor them by living. So if that means you sit on the couch and do nothing all day in order to get through then that's what they would have wanted. Please don't feel guilty - it's surviving.

I'm not able to honor people on dates of birth/death/anniversaries etc. after they are gone. I visit my grandmother's grave in the spring - because I know that was her favorite time of the year and I always bring her fresh flowers. I visit my ex's grave in the fall, and catch him up on our daughter (so far I've never run into the family this way either). My SIL is the hardest though, because I lost her to suicide as well. I don't go to her grave - haven't since the funeral. I go to our old neighborhood and sit in the park and talk to her there - just like we would do every afternoon when the kids were little. (Yep, sometimes I've even screamed and yelled at her - I know she understands.)

My point is, that you need to do what is best for you to get through all of these upcoming dates. You really shouldn't feel guilty, I truly believe your friends and partner would just want you to be happy.

 

[onebravegirl]

First of all I am very sad for your loosing so many friends. But, they died, not you. You cannot beat yourself up for surviving.
While surviving you cannot keep track of dates, times etc. And really think about it. How important is the actual date?
People get hung up on dates and I don't really see why. What if instead of punishing yourself for not remembering their deaths you just honor the moments when you remember their lives?
When they float into your mind now and then be thankful and send a wish of peace and love for them where ever they may be now.
Your biggest job is to stay alive, so please try not to punish yourself for not being the one dead. They died not you.
Your ALIVE and wonderful and this place would not be the same without you. It is not your fault that they died. They coped in the only way they seemed to know how to at the time. You obviously are much more resourceful than they were. Be PROUD of that!
Thank you for your bravery.:Hug_emoticon:
O

 

[Deleted member 541]

Manic,

I'm so sorry that you have had so much loss in your life.....Especially, to lose them to suicide......

I agree with Sunny.....Your friends/partner would want you to be happy....

I think that you should celebrate their lives, by doing something that the entire group would have liked...

 

[helena]

Hi Manic,

What the others have said is right, forgetting dates does not make you a bad friend it is very common and so is feeling guilty about moving on with your life.

It could be just too painful to plan an entire day around the anniversary but only you know that.

Maybe you do all you can and should do for the moment.

Take care and be kind to yourself.

 

[Nicky31]

:Hug_emoticon: Manic:Hug_emoticon:

I hear what you are saying about your pain and loss. What has brought you together with your friends has ultimately taken them away from you. This is a very individual choice, one that can only be made by that person in their mind for their reasons.

I get a sense of how much the approaching dates must be overwhelming in their agony for you. Please rest assured that by you not knowing /remembering dates you are not a bad friend. You supported your friends at a time when they and you were isolated by circumstance. You had something between you all that no-one else could provide- a sense of trust, security, love? The fact that you remember them daily proves the depth of your commitment to these friendships and your partnership.

Manic, you have come through so much. You are allowed to live and thrive. It is your choice to make, but loss of others does not mean you need follow. The pain of loss does not have to mean that you must punish yourself because you have continued to fight, live and embrace the challenges around you.

You are a tough cookie hon'. I'm proud to know you. I am sure your partner and your friends were too.

With love
Nicky :kiss:

 

[Lionheart]

If you have pictures of your friends you might set them up and sit a white candle beside them. Light it up and say a short prayer or just remember some of the positive times when they were alive. This is what I do for ancestors who have passed over, (especially when I can't make it to the cemetery). Let the candle burn till it is out and release yourself from survivors guilt by doing this type of prayer candle once per year. Hope this helps.

 

[Manic11]

What has brought you together with your friends has ultimately taken them away from you.

I never thought of that... Definitely makes me think...

I appreciate everyone's support. I tend to feel guilty that I'm still here because I had attempted suicide before but I was found and hospitalized.
I'm glad to hear that I'm not a horrible friend because I don't remember the dates... It just doesn't seem fair to them.

I don't have photos of all of them... but I like the candle thought...
Maybe I could write their names out instead of photos...

Thanks...
Manic

 

[Nicky31]

Hey Manic Hon

Yes the candle idea is great, and if you don't have photos you could indeed have their names, but how about also with that, writing one special memory that you have of them? This could be your time for positive reflection?
:Hug_emoticon:

 

[TagsJay]

Hi Manic,

I know forgetting dates is hard on you. To this day I can't remember the day my ex committed suicide. I just rememer our daughter was 4 at the time and it was in January. It doesn't change the fact that she is dead. The imporant thing is that her memory is kept alive through family. The date doesn't matter and I will never remember the date, but her memory lives on. Thats the important thing.

I agree with what everyone is saying. Your friends would want you to go on. I say go on and remember the good times you all had together. You need to keep those memories alive.

No matter what happens, remember some one cares about you even though you don't think so sometimes.