Relationship Feeling Hopeless After Yet Another Anniversary Breakup

[NaeNae75]

Here we go again! After 6.5 years, he "really means it this time" and "I'm not changing my mind" and any other number of things he always says is said again. A week ago Sunday night, on his way to his week at reserves, he called me to tell me when he came home, he was moving out and breaking up with me. He said that our relationship is insane. He made sure to tell me how awful I am and brought up crap from months ago. We've still been talking, as we usually do during this time, because of our kids...his son and my kids.

Things have been stressful since his 9 year old son moved in after he got full custody of him in June. Not that he is causing problems, but the biological mom is. So he told me that "I didn't move him out of one toxic environment to put him into another". The reality is, there really isn't anything that bad or abnormal going on at the house.

I have been asking him for a couple of months to get back into therapy because I could see him slipping. A month ago I asked him to stop drinking because he was up to 3 bottles of vodka a week, big bottles.... He did, but it didn't stop his spiral, just slowed it down.

So I sent him an email with some links to local resources for vets I think could help him right now. I also told him that I'm here for him and I love him and once again don't understand. What I received in return was an email telling me coldly how he cares for me and the kids, and "wishes us well and no ill will"....Yes, to me that was cold because his follow up was to tell me "why" he's leaving. He brought up stuff from the last 3 years that we have dealt with and should be in the past. He brought up so many things I've done "wrong" that he almost had me believing this was my fault and not the PTSD.

That somehow I'm wrong for telling him I was upset that he had been ignoring me. He hides on the porch smoking to get away from everyone. He told me the straw that broke the camels back was that I yelled at him to come help me and he felt I talked to him shitty. My granddaughter was screaming her head off, and I was up to my armpits in chicken guts trying to get dinner ready. I kicked the door to get his attention (because my hands were covered) When he turned around and looked at me through the door, he was on the phone and held his finger up like just a minute. I yelled (because the door was closed) That I couldn't wait and I needed help right now. He was on the phone, I guess, with the postmaster general or whatever because my daughter (almost) got scammed and he was reporting it. I apologized for being short, but I didn't apologize for the situation, because even now, I feel that a screaming baby takes precedence and that he could still be on the phone and grab her easier and faster than I could with raw chicken hands.

Really, If you brought up everything someone has done in 3 years or longer in one short email, anyone would look terrible. But the reality is that August is a trauma anniversary month for him. He literally has broken up with me every August since 2012 and we've been dating since March 2010. Usually, this lasts 2 to 3 weeks. I know I shouldn't be freaked out, but for some reason, it's different this time. This is the coldest and detached he's ever been to me. Literally 2 weeks ago everything was fine. I just don't know if I have the energy or strength to go through the motions this time....

Plus this is the first time since he has custody of his son, although the final court date in front of the judge for custody is in 2 weeks. I know that is causing him a lot of stress too. I'm really unsure of what to do this time. I'm so sick of defending him to EVERYONE. I have sacrificed everything for him and his son. I'm so worried that with a neglectful abusive mother, that his son will have no escape with him isolating. He has his son with him, and took him back to his little messed up house in the ghetto.

Even through his last deployment, I have been the one to take care of his son. I have been the only one consistently in his life. His mother is a flake, and when his dad was deployed, I would still take him any time she would let me. I potty trained him, I taught him to tie his shoes, I taught him to read....he's been my "son" for almost 7 years....and I can't control any of this. He is already emotionally needy from what he has had to endure from his mother. I hate that now his father is removing him from us too. He is going to bring him over on Thursday, but we will see how it goes.

He told my daughter on Sunday that he needs distance from me etc....and she let him have it. She told him he's not seeing clearly and it isn't me hurting everyone, it's him. I'm just sick to my stomach because this has started to hurt everyone. I can't stand it!

I don't know what I need right now....I guess I needed to vent and need a little clarity. Somewhere I know this is the PTSD and that he doesn't really hate me as much as it seems right now....but it's so hard to believe it. I don't know if I should do what I always do, but it takes a lot of strength and energy that I don't know that I have to give to him right now.

Is it possible that he will figure out on his own that I'm not a monster he thinks I am right now and come back, or will his pride keep him away? Usually we will stay in touch every few days until he calms down and comes back, but I think I might be too hurt right now. I just don't want to ruin the 90% of the time things are great between us. HELP

 

[NaeNae75]

Here we go again! After 6.5 years, he "really means it this time" and "I'm not changing my mind" and a...

One of the hardest parts for me to deal with is that because of my parents telling me I was never good enough, that everything was always my fault, and wishing I had never been born....this is a reminder of that. It makes me feel like everything I've done to try to overcome that feeling is negated.
Like basically, maybe they were right after all. Maybe I can't do anything right...maybe all I am is a monster unworthy of being truly loved. Maybe all I'm good for is to be a servant whose happiness doesn't ever really matter.

 

[Stickler]

His issues are triggering yours, you seem to need help with your head stuff, whether or not he pulls his head out of his butt or you decide not to put up with it.

If you can get family help or ANY other help with the kids, please do that too? And split the chores so that you can focus on baby /son care mainly.
HE can get certain things that are strictly his job. Dinner, I'm thinking... (Praise his cooking immensely, even if you are actually gagging it down. It will improve.)

Since he does this every year? Next year maybe he could go take a vacation BY HIMSELF for the two or three weeks y'all KNOW his brain will be all fried, like camping out in the woods somewhere without people around?

I know you'd rather vacation WITH him, but...


Anyway, that's JUST a suggestion! And it may not be workable

 

[Casey_03]

Is it possible that he will figure out on his own that I'm not a monster he thinks I am right now and come back, or will his pride keep him away? U

I really think you should approach this differently -- it shouldn't be about whether he will come back -- it should be about whether you really deserve this kind of treatment and want to keep tolerating it going forward. What about YOU? Personally, I think you should ignore him for a while, especially if he's done this to you repeatedly. Yes, PTSD is a factor here, but it also sounds like he's taking you for granted. And if he thinks that he can treat you like crap, disappear and then return as if nothing happened, nothing will ever change. Maybe make him see that you CAN live without him, and you don't have to tolerate the bullshit.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

I know it's not easy!

I suggest taking time for yourself and giving him space. I also encourage you to ask your daughter to stay out of it as she's just going to add fuel to the fire. (I'm guessing she's an adult or close to it, the one with a child?------even if she's grown up around him, she still doesn't have the clarity of what PTSD is IMHO and how to navigate these waters.)

 

[NaeNae75]

His issues are triggering yours, you seem to need help with your head stuff, whether or not he pulls h...

Thanks for your post. I am in therapy...and plan on changing a few things up...of course. He's actually a great cook...but it's not going to matter because he already moved back into the other house. After he moved in with me, we kept his old bachelor house for a "safe place" for him.
Right now, it's pretty fresh and he has no plans of seeing straight. He believes there's a magic place where people don't disagree with him ever. He did tell me he won't try to find anyone else right now and hasn't told his son we are broken up but that we are "trying something different ". But of course, it's okay to protect his son, but get mine involved because they are older

 

[NaeNae75]

:hug:

I know it's not easy!

I suggest taking time for yourself and giving him space. I also en...

Thank you....that is essentially what I plan to do. She only talked yo him the one time yo ask if she had to babysit his son. She only said something to him after he said what he did to her. Thanks forthe support.

 

[NaeNae75]

I really think you should approach this differently -- it shouldn't be about whether he will come back...

I think you're completely right. No matter what, I need to go at this differently. I do feel completely taken for granted. I have been expected to change a multitude of things for the sake of "compromise", but he has never lived up to his end of the bargain. A large part of what sucks about this is that I give a lot because I know he's sick and he took care of me when I was sick. He's the only one that did. He has been there for me when no one else was. I think that's what is so hard for me.

My family of origin is full of self centered people, and I was always the servant, and scape goat. My dad had terrible PTSD and he and my mother were both very abusive. So as far as any help from them goes....it's a no-go.

I have lived without him before. I'm an exceptionally independent person. I've ALWAYS done everything for myself. I own a couple of businesses, have sole custody of my children, and run my farm. I own my own house and really don't need him for anything but his love and support....and most of the time lately, I don't even get that. You're right...I don't deserve the bullshit, but most of the time he is sweet, loving and doting. Normally, if I have had a really rough (physically) day (I work in construction) he will basically wait on me when I get home.

I guess really time and space will tell the tale. But I generally really do enjoy my life with him...but I literally don't know if it can or will continue. Having him around has made my life better....even in light of this bs. He really thinks that his perception is reality right now, and I'm afraid that his pride/shame will keep him from contacting me once his mind clears up. Argh....I just want to cry right now.

 

[don3]

I can relate completely to your story. All I can tell you is that PTSD leaves in its wake broken people and broken relationship unless the caretaker is able to "take it all" (except physical abuse) with compassion, and unconditional love and acceptance. If your man had come back with no legs and was confined to a wheel chair, along with his PTSD, you would be forced to either abandon him or care for him, PTSD and no legs and all.

It is not easy. In fact it is next to impossible. But God ( I don't know if you believe in God?) can give you the grace to endure if you ask Him. Then his symptoms of PTSD and likely depression will not be met with you being defensive (because you have nothing to defend), but instead with a selfless love for him. You have to constantly remind yourself that he is sick. Just as if he had the flu, or really did have no legs. He is not complete. He is not whole. He is a fraction of the man you married. The prognosis for complete recovery is slim. But you can adopt an attitude of understanding and as you pointed out above, "He really does love you". But PTSD renders one INCAPABLE of functioning normally in an intimate relationship. On my Psych Eval the Dr. said clearly "Patient is unable to sustain normal relationships and his verbal outbursts make it difficult for those around him to be supportive". Yet that is EXACTLY what he needs.

Every time you look at him you need to (in my opinion) see him as "part of a man" and not expect from him the same things you would expect from a whole man without PTSD. View him as crippled. Because he is. Treat him as crippled, because he is. Yes you will be taken for granted at times, and yes you will be verbally and emotionally abused at times. But you can always leave for a day or two until he regains a level playing field. Go to a relative, or to a motel. Give him the space he says he needs. Let him know that you are still there for him, and always will be. This will help.

I can tell you from my own personal experience that he feels worse than you when he blows up and says mean things or things he does not really mean. He is hurting deeply. He does not understand his own behavior. He wishes it was different. I can promise you this.

What is being asked of you is definitely "above and beyond" the call of duty. There are support groups for wives and husbands of those suffering with PTSD. You can google it. If you can find one, start going to it. There you will find others who are in the same boat with you. You can share things that work and things that don't work. But if you want the relationship to last, you have to stay with him. NO MATTER WHAT.

In our marriage vows we tell our spouse and God that we will stay with each other "for richer or poorer" "in good times and bad" "in sickness and in health" "until death do us part". This is a serious vow. When the sickness is something like cancer, heart disease, missing limbs, disfiguration or something we can "see" with our own two eyes it is, believe it or not easier than when the sickness is "unseen" and is a mental sickness.

I would urge you not to give up. Your man needs unconditional love and acceptance. Unless he is physically abusive.
"Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me". I know that the verbal abuse and emotional abuse are difficult; but they are not impossible if you can practice forgiveness, and understanding and compassion.

The alternative of course is to let him go, and move on. It is your choice always. But if you really love him and want to help him, you could choose to take the more difficult and painful road.

As a Christian, I am told that "longsuffering" is a proof of selfless love. And longsuffering is exactly what it sounds like. It means "to suffer for a long time" and to hang in there. In the end you will be glad you tood that road, I believe.

My wife and family have done the opposite. I was abandoned by all a little over a year ago because of the symptoms associated with my PTSD. They are textbook. But it made no difference to my family. Even though I am a kind, understanding, generous, and loving husband and father 90% of the time; my symptoms (you should look them up as a refresher of what to expect from a person with PTSD- especially Combat PTSD) rare up occasioinally. And when they do they are ugly. My family decided that they had had enough and kicked me out, then moved out of our home and "gave" it back to me to live in alone.

Each day I think about suicide. Each day I wish I was different. I have taken every medication, gone to every group, every ministry, every counsellor that I could find. Everyone put me on some "exercise routine" either physical, or mental or vocal to overcome what was going on (which I still don't understand) and while some worked for a time, none has eradicated the symptoms associated with PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder. I even had 7 sessions of Electro Shock Treatment.

The problem is that family will not make themselves view the PTSD patient as REALLY sick and treat them accordingly. They know in the back of their mind, but when it comes to action can only handle it for so long. Except those who take the approach of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE with consistent expression of love, acceptance, compassion, forebearance, forgiveness (that is the big one), and affirmation and expressed appreciation for the good things done by the patient.

I wish you all luck. The road ahead is not an easy one. But the road your husband has walked down and is still walking down is not an easy one either. You can ALWAYS leave your situation. HE CANNOT!! His leaving you is not because he is dissatisfied with you, but because he HATES himself. Try to keep that in mind.

People tend to stay where they are wanted and needed and told so often. People tend to leave when they feel unloved, unwanted, UNWORTHY, and are full of self loathing and guilt and shame.

Don

 

[Deleted member 38137]

I can relate completely to your story. All I can tell you is that PTSD leaves in its wake broken people a...

So what do you do when someone won't help himself? When all he does is watch negative things on YouTube and reads article upon article about how women are "cuckholding" men and says such nice things to you like "She's truly not yours, it's only your turn?" Then comes over and kisses you on the forehead and acts like nothing is wrong. You say to give unconditional love, yet my receipt of love has to have conditions on it. The bed has to be made correctly. The bathroom has to be cleaned like you could lick the floors. I'm not former military or a chamber maid. I don't know HOW to have things "squared away" and up to "spec"!!! Most importantly, how do you help and love someone like you guys without going batshit crazy yourself?

 

[Sighs]

@PartTimeWarriorLover - trust me - it doesn't matter how well squared away you have everything it will never be enough. I've spent the last 3 years trying to bring myself up to his minimum standards. Its an attempt to control the external to try to make the internal feel less chaotic. I've come to the view that I may as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb. If he's going to yell because there is one crumb on the counter - f*ck it - why wipe it down at all?

 

[Deleted member 38137]

@PartTimeWarriorLover - trust me - it doesn't matter how well squared away you have ev...

Oh, you have that problem too? Let's see...I work FIFTY hours a week selling cars at Toyota. I often times am at work until 9 p.m. I have to get up at 7:30 and take a shower, do my hair, make-up, put on a cute outfit and be out the door by 8:45. And guess how long my hair is???? Down to my butt almost and I have discussed cutting it off just to make my morning easier and I was told NO WAY.... lol. Then add on that I come home and I'm exhausted. I also have Ankylosing Spondylitis which is a genetic arthritis. I have the pleasure of having anything from my big toe to my ribs to my shoulders hurt on the daily. There is no cure and it's pretty painful at times. So yes, we do relate on the chronic pain thing. But then again, we don't because I'm far more active and I often walk 3-6 miles a day at my dealership. So anyhow, yes, I feel for you with the constant complaints and criticisms. I get f'n sick of it too.