Feeling Hopeless Again After Group Therapy..

[FindingMyself88]

Things have really been looking up lately. The medications have my nightmares better under control, I am on a good combo of meds for my depression and I have taken steps to make school easier. Counseling has even been easier. But tonight I started Group DBT therapy back after christmas break and it didn't go so well. We had several new members today and started the module on Emotion Regulation. Well we are towards the end of the session and the Therapists asked me about my emotions. I told her I have an issue with mine going in circles and not being able to really deal with them. She asked for an example. Well there were some others here there whom I took the last module with and liked so I mentioned a current issue I am dealing with emotionally.

Story short is my senior year of high school my mom had an affair with the man who owned the ranch where I boarded my horse. My mom babysat his and his wife's down syndrome baby. My best friend walked in on it. I found out and it has haunted me for years. I couldn't say anything because he threatened to kill my best friends horse plus I was afraid if I did and my stepdad found out, he would divorce my mom. At this point I couldn't bear to face the guy, whom had been like a father figure to me, so i quit going out there except when I would sneak out at night to see Greyson, my horse. Then my mom sold him, and destroyed me. Greyson was more than just a horse to me, he was the ONLY reason I smiled, the reason I kept going. He was my only friend, my secret keeper.

Now my parents and grandparents are moving up here where I'm at and Im moving in so i can work less and focus on school. Once a month my mom plans to go back to where they live now and stay with these people. It is bringing up painful memories. Plus February 2008 was when my mom sold Greyson without warning. So its coming up on an anniversary. I feel angry and that its unfair that I have to deal with these emotions alone. But then i can't hurt the guy's wife by telling her, or my stepdad. Then I feel guilt for not having told them. I also still feel betrayed and angry because if it hadn't happened, I would have still had Greyson….

I brought all of this up. Of course my T gives me the same answer others have given me "Its not your fault, is it your business what they do?" No, its not, I KNOW THAT ALREADY! but that doesn't stop my feelings. She told me I could tell my mom I know and that if she decides to go there once a month, then I will not have anything to do with her. But that will create havoc. It seems like its hopeless. Am I stupid for still dealing with something that happened 7 years ago? Just because I can't do anything, does that mean I should get over it? Don't just tell me that, tell me how to DEAL with it!

She also used this as an exercise. She asked everyone to imagine the situation with the horses. Then she had us sit straight and feel whatever was going on in our bodies. This made me uncomfortable but I did it. She went around asking people what they felt. Well the lady beside me blurts out her thoughts on the matter instead. She says that she's had horses before and that her thought was "Why not just get another horse and then confront them back then?" First off, it wasn't just my horse, but my friend's horse too. Secondly, Greyson wasn't just ANY horse to me as I said above. I said this, but also said its not just the horses, its the people I would hurt. One of the guys who knows me spoke to the lady and said "Just the thought of a horse dying or getting rid of an animal you love doesn't bother you?" and she replied with "I've had horses before and had to put them down. Its a part of life."

?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!

I can't deal right now. I left the session (it was ending anyways). I started having flashbacks of other people I trusted telling me there was nothing I could do about things. But they say it with the mentality of since thats the truth, i should be okay. But then I just repress it. Then I got to missing Greyson… it has just not made for a good night. Now I don't know if I can open up again, that hurt way too bad. And I feel hopeless again. I was doing better. I don't see my regular therapist until Thursday. We've been talking about the same issue, but she is more understanding and listens…. Ugh!!


Sorry this is so long, I am just REALLY hurting right now :'(

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I am so sorry! Sometimes others think they're helping, but, not so much....

Would radical acceptance help in this instance? Simply being able to accept the reality of the situation may help stop the thoughts from swirling.

 

[FindingMyself88]

@Solara how do you just do that? For years I tried, but anytime February comes around, or I miss Greyson, or other things happen, it triggers all these emotions all over again...

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

(((FindingMyself))) I agree with Solara in this situation. It takes me soooooo long to get to the point to radically accept the reality of the situation, but when I do, it helps. It helps immensely. It doesn't mean I'm discounting my experience, no, it means I'm accepting how I feel and that it's okay.

It hurts when other people have different emotions toward losing animals. I know that feeling. I can't understand the seemingly blah zay responses. I had to put our pitty down in October. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Animal losses are excruciatingly painful no matter which form.

After accepting how I feel and being okay with it, when I come out of the emotions, I am able to also understand that other people just have different feelings about animals and that doesn't mean they are bad. But that took time to get there. I'm not saying that you should force yourself to feel that way because I know, I know that it isn't possible.

Your feelings don't make you bad either. So sorry for your loss. You did a great job coming on here and sharing this to get support. Good on you for reaching out!

 

[FindingMyself88]

I respect the fact that she has her feelings and if she has never experienced a TRUE animal bond, then thats her loss, but don't invalidate mine like she did. I can honestly say that if it wasn't for that horse, I would not be here today. I would have committed suicide my senior year of high school. He kept me going. Here it is, 6 years later and just the thought of him causes my heart to ache. I found out through someone else that he passed away last year, but that was 5 years of happiness I lost with him because of my mom and that guy's stupid affair. Call me stupid, but it feels like it happened yesterday.

Thats where the radical acceptance seems impossible. Because like I said every year this time triggers memories and just seeing the man or his wife or kids. I'll be okay until then, then it all comes flooding back. Will it ever get easier?

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I totally know how you feel. And I understand how an animal companion keeps you alive. My Sasha is the reason I got out of bed every day for a time. When I cried, she was persistent and didn't leave my side until I felt better. She is one of the reasons I was able to get my loving feelings back after my traumatic experience.

During the midst of my trauma from a man, I had another doggie named Bella who I got after an emergency surgery. Someone threw her into a dumpster to die. I raised her from 6 weeks old and spent every waking moment with her. When I escaped my abuser, I could not take her with me. I was told by him that she got hit by a car and died. There was never a way I could get proof of that or if he was just trying to hurt me one more time, but I had to grieve anyway.

Sasha MADE me love her and taught me so much about love, life and friendship. If I coulda, I woulda put her right inside of my heart, her whole spirit. Now, her soul is a part of mine and I miss her every day, every day.

I SO know how you feel! (((BIG HUGS)))!!!

As far as radical acceptance, do you think it can be possible to just accept that you are feeling this way, that you aren't crazy, and just do things that soothe you just for today?

Yes, it will get easier.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I've got a bit of practice in using radical acceptance, but it sounds like you're dealing with a lot of grief over the loss of your horse as well. I am not sure how to deal with such grief as I don't have much experience in that department.

I have done DBT in the past but I'm not sure how DBT deals with grief, or even if DBT skills are the best thing for dealing with grief.

I know that there are steps for working through grief. Has a therapist tried to work with you on moving through these steps?

 

[BloomInWinter]

Use her remark as a learning experience on how to stop caring what thoughtless, insensitive, clueless people think or say. The cognitive challenge to think every time you're having a fantasy argument with her in your head is repeatingsomething like "Why would I care what she thinks? She's not someone I would want as a friend, nor do I respect her opinion. I will allow her to rent no more free space in my head." Or whatever works.

You can use "Teflon mind" to let her remark roll off and refuse to allow it to stick to you. Learning Teflon mind has really helped me feel far more empowered in my everyday life. That's the thing about group therapy. It's the place to practice these skills so we can use them effectively in our lives.

Chances are, she really put no thought into her comments, and invested no emotion into it. Once I realized that about such irritating people, it got easier to remind myself that I'm the one with the power to stop torturing myself in the head about it.

She's just a useful practice tool and has no bearing on your worth nor your recovery.

 

[FindingMyself88]

@StrongerNow Thank you for empathizing. It was like he understood me. On days where I was upset, he wouldn't let anyone near me. I would just go off in the woods and lay on him bareback, or lay down in grass in pasture while he grazed.

Have either of you seen the black beauty movies? Where the stallion chased the boy around the pasture in a game of chase? Me and Greyson would do that. I NEVER had to halter him, he just followed me. I could talk about him forever…

You sound like my T with those questions :). I did come home and look through my photo album of just me and Greyson… I guess just to reaffirm to me that he IS more than just a horse and will never be replaceable as that lady suggested.

@Solara I am, and the grief just worsens all the emotions about my mom's affairs. I am not in DBT about just this situation. I am in DBT to learn interpersonal effectiveness, how to set boundaries with my mom who has Borderline Personality Disorder, and to get better control of my anxiety.

She has never really called it grief. We have talked about him SEVERAL times over the past year and a half, she just lets me talk and cry and tells me its okay to feel the way I do. She also encourages me to volunteer at a local barn. I do and it helps because I do miss horses in general, but none will EVER replace him.

 

[FindingMyself88]

@BloomInWinter I don't think it would bother me so much about this lady saying it because she doesn't know the situation in its entirety if people who do know didn't say this as well. People I trust/trusted. They are well intentioned, but it just makes me feel stupid for feeling the way I do about Greyson and the situation. Just like tonight was too much because of the ladies comment triggering flashbacks of others telling me to "move forward and get over him." and then my Group T saying that there is nothing I can do in this situation and that trying to "deal" with my mom is like putting myself in a bag of angry cats every time (her exact words). I get this, but give me a solution. Even if its not my "business" or i can't control it, it still HURTS me!

 

[FindingMyself88]

in the past these exact statements has caused me to just repress my feelings or hide them, which just ends up eating me alive.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Greyson sure sounds like he was ONE AWESOME horse! :) :) <3

I don't know that I've seen those movies, however, I have seen a lot of horse movies in my day. They always make me so happy. Was he a black stallion? I bet he was gorgeous.