DID Feeling hopeless with dissociation

[Pauline]

It's been a few months since I've posted on this site but I feel really hopeless at the moment with my childlike dissociation it's gotten worse.

When I was 16 I had a extreme panic attack that caused me to black out loose my memory and revert to a childlike voice since then I have had bouts of self harm behaviour feeling like a little girl talking like a little girl inside my body panic attacks sucide attempts

I have vague memories of being sexually abused at a young age hospital trauma etc I have literally no memory's of being a teenager I have started controlling my self harm but my dissociation is really scaring me I don't understand why I want to be a little girl I feel like 4 5 6 7 years old talk and act differently want to be like a little girl cry when I see younger girls feel huge amounts of grief as if I never got to be a little girl inside my body I repeat this to my family and they don't get it I feel like in a lot of distress

I was told I have dissociative identity disorder but it's frustrating me I want to be able to get the proper help i deserve for my abuse but the world seems to be against me on this one I feel very much like an island i am extremely frustrated and at loss by my trauma how do I get better from my sexual abuse if I can't control my dissociation it's so disturbing it's like my body is remembering but I don't and I hate this I feel like a jigsaw puzzle and nothing is adding up nothing is falling into place my life is falling a part and it takes so much in me not to self harm it is estremely scary dissociating everyday feeling like a little girl I want to be fixed and I don't understand why everything is taking so long I am lost in the dark with this everything just seems scary and fragmented and I don't know how to explain this to my psychiatrist or doctors if I tell them I want to be a little girl inside my body because I never got to be a little girl inside my body I don't know what they would think of me I really need help and I don't know how to get it I don't want to feel like a little girl anymore when I'm an adult

If anyone has had similar experiences please may you shed some light X

 

[Teamwork]

Basically start talking to the little girls and explain you are an adult and will do things with them but you need to be an adult. The more you look after the young parts the less they create chaos. Get a coloring book that you all can share and enjoy. Listen to what colors they want to color with and what pages they want to do. No one needs to know what you are doing as it is all inside work. Keep reassuring them that you are there for them and will listen. Mostly you need to settle the inside young ones popping into your life in dissociate forms so that you can maintain the adult part of you. As you color and listen they may tell there story to you. Keep reassuring that you are all safe now and that you as grown up will listen and care for them. There are plenty of young things you can do together that will help with the need to be young. Many people surround themselves with stuffed toys or do puzzles, keep journals.

 

[TruthSeeker]

It's been a few months since I've posted on this site but I feel really hopeless at the moment with my childlike dissociation it's gotten worse.

When I was 16 I had a extreme panic attack that caused me to black out loose my memory and revert to a childlike voice since then I have had bouts of self harm behaviour feeling like a little girl talking like a little girl inside my body panic attacks sucide attempts

I have vague memories of being sexually abused at a young age hospital trauma etc I have literally no memory's of being a teenager I have started controlling my self harm but my dissociation is really scaring me I don't understand why I want to be a little girl I feel like 4 5 6 7 years old talk and act differently want to be like a little girl cry when I see younger girls feel huge amounts of grief as if I never got to be a little girl inside my body I repeat this to my family and they don't get it I feel like in a lot of distress

I was told I have dissociative identity disorder but it's frustrating me I want to be able to get the proper help i deserve for my abuse but the world seems to be against me on this one I feel very much like an island i am extremely frustrated and at loss by my trauma how do I get better from my sexual abuse if I can't control my dissociation it's so disturbing it's like my body is remembering but I don't and I hate this I feel like a jigsaw puzzle and nothing is adding up nothing is falling into place my life is falling a part and it takes so much in me not to self harm it is estremely scary dissociating everyday feeling like a little girl I want to be fixed and I don't understand why everything is taking so long I am lost in the dark with this everything just seems scary and fragmented and I don't know how to explain this to my psychiatrist or doctors if I tell them I want to be a little girl inside my body because I never got to be a little girl inside my body I don't know what they would think of me I really need help and I don't know how to get it I don't want to feel like a little girl anymore when I'm an adult

If anyone has had similar experiences please may you shed some light X

My words were to the therapist "I want to be fixed" but alas, I found I'd never be like I think I should have been, and there is no time in my life I knew what my "normal" was...so fixing means you know what you started with and can put it back together like Humpty Dumpty. I don't remember ever being "fixed" so I've changed my fixed goal to feeling content most of the time. That I believe is a doable goal and I'll be able to feel improvement with this.....and I have. But I'm not there yet...still have more trauma to process.

The dissociation is a btch, but there are things you can do to ground yourself. There are like 101 written grounding techniques for DID/PTSD/ONDD folks on BeautyafterBruises, a site for CPTSD. You might check out their list. My issue for me was that there were times I'd dissociate on purpose-or go to a state of intense thought (art, writing poetry or a story), and other times I couldn't control it. I focused on reconnecting when I couldn't control it....and breathing, popsicles (really cold things will stop it) combined with visual diversion like a kids TV show-the program has to be engaging, on the level of middle school or below (basically G rated) so language isn't an issue, and about 2-4 popsicles later-I'm seeing everything clearly and my mind isn't cluttered with trauma thoughts. Going barefoot fishing seems to be grounding (senses with bare feet and fishing) but activities like art or reading a therapy related book or unhappy story only seem to reinforce the dissociation. So get the list of grounding techniques, and try those things.....smells might be your thing for grounding. But for me, cold and sweet work the best with a show. Good luck.

 

[HealingMama]

So with the self harm maybe try replacement behavior? Draw on yourself instead of cutting or hold ice cubes. That way you'll still get some version of what you want but it's less destructive.