Feeling Like A Failure

[Lovealways]

I'm kind of feeling like a therapy failure. I originally sought therapy for sleep issues and anxiety. Well at the first session the therapist asked a question that brought up the true issue (I wasn't going to bring it to the table but I'm a horrible liar so it came out). After a few sessions I decided that maybe after 7 years it's time to address the mistake. Well I get so nervous and scared to talk about it that I have been having panic attacks in sessions even when she addressed something even remotely related. I knew she was frustrated w me but today she texted me asking if I was coming to the appointment or do I need a break. I felt like it was her way of telling me that I am a failure and she doesn't want to deal with me.

 

[Jnean]

If you feel comfortable with your T, stick with it, tell her that you feel that way even. It could be fear and looking for a way out of facing that fear or fears. Otherwise I suggest you do some interviews with other T's to see if there's someone else you feel more comfortable with. We have to feel comfortable with our T's, we can't talk about everything that we need to otherwise.

 

[Intrepid]

I would feel the same as you if my therapist asked me if I needed to take a break in therapy. I'm often afraid that telling the truth won't only ruin me, but will ruin my therapist. It's overwhelming. My current therapist has been able to handle it so far.

I think some therapists have therapists. That's a good thing.

Oh, and you don't sound like a failure. You sound like you are struggling. There's a difference.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Maybe she doesn't want you to feel worse and thinks you aren't ready to deal with the stuff yet. I was forced to have a break (fourteen months ago) because I was feeling much worse talking about my past abuse. I was told that you need to feel ready to deal with things or else therapy could make you worse. You are in no way a failure. You took a really brave step forward. Incredibly brave. I think she just doesn't want to make you feel worse.

 

[shimmerz]

Perhaps a better way of her dealing with this is to notch it down when you are in therapy. I don't think the only two options are 'break/no break', and I am surprised she presented those choices only. How about not delving in quite so deeply during the next few (at least) appointments?

 

[Lovealways]

Thanks for the responses. I have held this in for so long due to rejection and such but I thought that she was trusting enough to write it down for (bec like I said I can't verbally even get any part past my lips without a breakdown). Now I'm kind of regretting putting that out there at all. I prob would have been better taking this mistake to my grave with me.

 

[shimmerz]

Now I'm kind of regretting putting that out there at all.

This isn't an unusual feeling at all. We were many times trained to take these lies to our graves. It is in releasing them that we heal. It just feels freaking horrifying while and after we do so until our therapists can help us figure out the brutality of the situations that the lies are covering up. I may be mistaken in my interpretation .... so please forgive if that is the case.

 

[watundah]

(I used to get high anxiety and diarrhea every morning on the day of therapy! I got so worked up by just the *thought* of meeting someone who would eventually scratch their way into my head. )

It is a good point that this may be moving too fast and she needs to earn your trust first. No reason to rush and I hope you don't feel this way.

I do have concerns as I don't understand why she would text you versus calling and maybe give you some grounding tools first before touching into your pain ...

 

[Lovealways]

We have been working on grounding for a little while. Maybe a break will be beneficial. I'm just worried that I won't go back at all or if I will have to start all over. Ugh if only I never let this happen!

 

[Jnean]

I don't feel that you should blame yourself. You've done an extreme amount of hard work and have been able to see progress. Remember that. :)

 

[Lovealways]

Thanks for the kind words of encouragement!! I'm totally better at helping others rather than asking for help haha. I can't be angry at someone who is only trying to help me so I will take a break and pray that I will have the courage to return.