Sexual Assault Feeling Like A Liar After Sexual Abuse. Could Use Some Advice/insight

[Cursejar]

That's simply not true - most people around here would recognise sexual abuse exists in some partner re...

I can relate to what you said about neglect and sexual explotation. I feel like nothing I've experienced has been "bad enough" to warrant the way I feel, and I feel terrible.

I would definitely agree it's possible that feeling like a liar can come from how I was raised. I had a lot of mental health problems, drug use and self injury as an older child into my teenage years. But my father who grew up in an EXTREMELY abusive home in the projects would tell me all the time that I was being dramatic and looking for attention and that I didn't have real problems cause he knew what REAL problems were. . Then tell me all the horrible stuff his parents did (Pretty straightforward correlation there lol)
he wasn't physically abusive to me aside from pushing me which hardly feels worth mentioning, but he certainly was unpredictable explosive and scary, screaming and yelling over random things depending on his mood. As well as making physical threats to me insulting me and invading my privacy by taking my door, reading my notebooks and looking at my photos and making fun of them, and hitting my little brother a little and our dog a lot.
I can't really think of anything else that could contribute to negative self esteem, but It seems weird to think that this could correlate with my experiences with my ex boyfriend considering my dad didn't sexually abuse me. And like my experiences with my ex it doesn't really feel like it adds up to all the trouble it seems to have caused me. Especially because I have a really nice mom so it feels like I'm just complaining about nothing

 

[Cursejar]

That's simply not true - most people around here would recognise sexual abuse exists in some partner re...

I can see how labeling something as sexual abuse can be less than impowering in some scenarios but in this case I feel like it's helped me improve in a lot of ways by acknowledging that the way things were, were not good, and not a healthy relationship. As far as blame goes, I don't view my ex as a horrible ill intentioned person for what happened. I think he was an inexperienced kid with a porn obsession who didn't know how to take no for an answer. Pair that with my personality at the time and you get what you get. It's more about acknowledging the actions were not ok and not him as a person. I have been formally diagnosed with PTSD recently, I don't think I psyched myself into it because I honestly never bothered to do research on it until after I was diagnosed. But I do relate to what you said about realizing something isn't ok and then feeling the reaction to it afterwards. I think a lot of my current problems arose when I realized I was saying yes automatically when I wanted to say no, and when I tried to say no or when I realized I didn't want to be doing what I was doing, that's when I would start freaking out internally. Thanks for your advice

 

[WishfulThinking123]

@Cursejar I definitely feel the same way as you....as soon as I know a guy wants to be intimate (just by making out/kissing-something simple even) I will pretty much do "what I feel like I have to"-in my last serious relationship I practiced saying no as well which was empowering-because that was a new concept. However, he ended up taking advantage of me in this area anyways and wasn't the nicest guy...but that's another story. I have not found anything that really "helps" yet- something I am just beginning to explore with my therapist I believe. At this point I think it is just needing to break old habits-which are hard to break, some of my behaviors are just so automatic and ingrained in me at this point. For me personally, I have blocked a few guys and am trying to stay away from that until I can work through my past and can build the confidence to not fall back into these habits so easily if that makes sense? I think its great that you have a boyfriend that is so supportive of you and can help empower you in that way.

 

[Suzetig]

I can't really think of anything else that could contribute to negative self esteem, but It seems weird to think that this could correlate with my experiences with my ex boyfriend considering my dad didn't sexually abuse me.

It sounds like your dad was violent, aggressive and didn't help you with learning to set and hold boundaries in terms of privacy. He also sounds quite scary to be around - explosive anger is horrible to deal with. It's worth thinking about the messages you received in your upbringing - it sounds like disagreement or saying no might have brought anger or violence to you or your little brother, that it was ok to breach your boundaries by giving you no privacy or space of your own and by reading your diary.

When we grow up having our boundaries violated it becomes very hard as adults to set clear boundaries and go say no. In adulthood our sex life is about as private as it gets and if you're used to having your privacy violated... People often make the mistake of thinking issues with sex as an adult are always about sexual abuse as a child. Sometimes it is a result of sexual abuse but often it's something else because sex touches on so many different parts of ourselves - intimacy and closeness, privacy, physical touch, vulnerability, positive relationships etc - and those things can be very violated as a child with nothing sexual happening at all.

 

[MissHunnyBeDivine]

Cursejar,

Thanks for sharing your feelings and your story. That sounds awfully confusing and I have the utmost sympathy for you and what you must be experiencing right now.

As a person who has struggled with sexual assault, I would like to normalize your experience here. Any time sexy time happens without fully present, fully willing, non-f*cked up 100% yes I want this consent, it's a violation of your body. And sex is so deeply rooted in that dark feminine wound we all carry of patriarchal sexual shame (YAY our friend SHAME!!!), isn't it? It sure is. So it's confusing. And your perpetrators might not have been the evil villains that may have been convenient for your story, those son uva bitches with their complex good/evil cocktail mixes of mistrust + trust + beauty + evil + confusion and all of the other dimensions you probably sensed.

You aren't crazy. I see your feelings as completely valid and real. I hope you are able to vibe with someone you can authentically connect with and fully show up to, to dive into these terrifying, life altering feelings with grace, patience, and ease. There doesnt have to be a good guy and a bad guy for something terrible to happen thats too overwhelming to process. There doesn't even have to be good or bad (whhhhhaatt?). I just hope you are able to be loving and gentle with yourself, and I'm terribly sorry you've had to experience this.