Feeling Like Screaming Out When Crying

[WillowMarie]

I noticed this new thing in the past month. First, the way I cried started to change. It used to be silent crying, with tears dripping down my face. I think I could be pretty dissociated during these, drifting in and out of being in my mind and in reality.

Then it started to change to loud, sobbing. Like what you would call ugly crying. Lots of snot, less tears, loud sobbing. Each time I cry like this, it seems to get louder, more intense.

About a two-three weeks ago when I sob, then I started getting this feeling that I wanted to throw something. That I have been getting the urge to scream at the top of my lungs, I hate you! over and over.

I haven't done any of those yet, but the urge is strong.

At first, when my crying changed to sobbing, I noticed I may have felt more grounded, and thought it was a positive thing. But as I have been getting these urges to throw something and scream, I hate you, I noticed I have been feeling super dissociated. I feel like I am in this foggy reality. Like I am partly in the present.

I think I get the feeling that something feels very unfair, and I am upset and angry.

I am not sure what it connects to since my mind hasn't shared that with me. I do know I have yelled I hate you at my dad when I was younger, but just know the fact that I did it, not what was surrounding it.

I am wondering if it is a memory that is trying to come up.

Has anyone else experienced this? Did you give in and act out what you felt? Was it attached to a particular memory? Did you need to release it to continue healing/get past it? I almost feel like one of these times I might yell out unconsciously, as sometimes I feel like the words are almost in my throat ready to come out and I realize it and stop myself.

On a funny note, yesterday I was doing some grounding while I was having one of these sobbing fits and I looked at the brown wood wall, and said, Blue. It took about two seconds of me staring at the wall because something seemed off. I thought it was amusing and realized, no that is brown. haha..

 

[Alfred.Greene]

It's very hazy, but I had a lot of moments like that growing up. I used to give in to them which was really bad, and it never helped to listen to the urges. It can be fuzzy, and it can be harmful. I don't like it when it does happen.

I wish I had more advice, but I am not ready to think about how this has impacted my life or what happened dur ing those times. I wish you the best. I am here if you need me, and you can always send a PM.

Good luck!

 

[Hope4Now]

I have similar experiences except with body memory not crying. What you describe, including the changes in it, sound like your system gradually allowing some feelings to arise into consciousness. Also sound like flashback experiences in which one can be more or less aware of oneself in the present. My flashbacks fall on a kind of continuum.

It is hard to go through this. I'm sorry it is happening to you. Perhaps your therapist (if you have one) can guide you on how best to go about managing them without denying them or getting too frightened or angry.

Be kind to yourself if you can.

 

[WillowMarie]

What you describe, including the changes in it, sound like your system gradually allowing some feelings to arise into consciousness.

That makes sense. Thank you for sharing.

I will be bringing it up in my next session.

 

[WillowMarie]

Perhaps your therapist (if you have one) can guide you on how best to go about managing them without denying them or getting too frightened or angry.

I finally mentioned it in therapy today and she said if it happens again, if I am alone to let myself act it out, let myself scream. I know she said the word cathersis (?) and said there is something good about it.

 

[Hope4Now]

I'm glad you spoke with your therapist about it. Yes, catharsis is good. I wish I could get some. My stuff is coming out just a little at a time, but catharsis doesn't have to happen all at once.