I've suffered depression since I was about twelve. Somewhere along the way it's turned into PTSD which makes depression by itself look like a picnic. I guess my PTSD if of the "straw that breaks the camel's back variety." I had a horrible childhood with horrible "parents", people who should have been legally prohibited from having children. They flat out didn't love us; our most basic needs as human beings were of zero concern to them; my father was a psychopath. As for my mother, I don't know what the hell her problem was. Maybe she was a psychopath too or maybe people in the psychopathic bond just start to take on the coloring of the psychopath. Eighteen years in a madhouse--it's a book, and I don't have the space to go into it all here.
So I get out into the world thinking I might finally find some normal people who will recognize my humanity and treat me with respect and kindness. Fat chance. More rejection. I don't look right on paper, I don't have the right job, I don't come from the right family, I can't make them look good in public. The only people who found any use for me were the men who used me for sex and discarded me. Like many damaged young women starved for acceptance, I found that sexuality was a way to get something that feels, to the desperate, like acceptance but really isn't. They're just getting their rocks off and don't give a flying f*ck about you.
The thing about getting screwed out of the love of a family is it's really hard to ever find a replacement, the world being filled with assh*les who don't have a damn thing for you if you don't have something for them. Sometimes I think people who grow up with abusers, when first stepping out on their own, actually gravitate towards mean spirited, abusive people because there's something familiar about them. My early twenties were a veritable hell of toxic relationships with soulless people who treated me like sh*t. One person who I believe was a psychopath has been haunting my memory for about the past six months now. I feel under attack all the time, like he's watching me. I can see his face, I can see hear him laughing at me and mocking me. Whenever I try to accomplish anything, or prove myself in the smallest way, it get's particularly bad almost like he's smacking my hand away, telling me to get in the gutter where you belong, you're not good enough to be with successful people. I try to ground myself, but he's just too powerful. It goes on all day, every day.
So I get out into the world thinking I might finally find some normal people who will recognize my humanity and treat me with respect and kindness. Fat chance. More rejection. I don't look right on paper, I don't have the right job, I don't come from the right family, I can't make them look good in public. The only people who found any use for me were the men who used me for sex and discarded me. Like many damaged young women starved for acceptance, I found that sexuality was a way to get something that feels, to the desperate, like acceptance but really isn't. They're just getting their rocks off and don't give a flying f*ck about you.
The thing about getting screwed out of the love of a family is it's really hard to ever find a replacement, the world being filled with assh*les who don't have a damn thing for you if you don't have something for them. Sometimes I think people who grow up with abusers, when first stepping out on their own, actually gravitate towards mean spirited, abusive people because there's something familiar about them. My early twenties were a veritable hell of toxic relationships with soulless people who treated me like sh*t. One person who I believe was a psychopath has been haunting my memory for about the past six months now. I feel under attack all the time, like he's watching me. I can see his face, I can see hear him laughing at me and mocking me. Whenever I try to accomplish anything, or prove myself in the smallest way, it get's particularly bad almost like he's smacking my hand away, telling me to get in the gutter where you belong, you're not good enough to be with successful people. I try to ground myself, but he's just too powerful. It goes on all day, every day.
