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Feeling like "normal" people (ie without PTSD) are superficial/ naive/ fake/ stupid

Ecdysis

MyPTSD Pro
Having grown up with trauma, I've never had a "normal" life, that wasn't directly impacted by trauma, abuse, C-PTSD, etc.

I'm sure many who grew up in such rough childhoods also remember looking at "normal" families who seemed to live some kind of Brady Bunch life... (Tho, looking back as an adult, who knows whether their lives were really like that or whether in some cases, it was just a facade).

I've always felt like those people are a) lucky but b) also really naive and superficial... They just don't seem to get that trauma can be a very real part of life... Their conversations about small-talk topics seem to boring, fake and stupid to me. So I've always been a) envious of people without trauma but b) also very judgemental of them.

I know that army people often seem to have a similar view of "civilians"... that they're naive and have no idea how bad real life can be...

I struggle to break out of that dynamic of being either envious or looking down on people without trauma...

I also feel resentful about them dominating the discourse... It feels like there's this constant push to keep normalcy at the forefront and to avoid and repress the reality of trauma in many people's lives. Which kind of feels like the lives of people with trauma and their struggles are being discounted and ignored.

I wonder how I can find a healthier stance for myself?

Can I feel compassion with them, because often people who have not experienced trauma are just people who have not experienced it "yet" ? Trauma has a way of touching most lives, in some way or other, over time.

How can I stop feeling like the "outcast" with trauma who's not part of the circle of "normal" people?

I think maybe these are narratives from my childhood, which I haven't updated to a useful adult model of the world... Probably in reality, there are far more people who have experienced trauma but who are struggling to lead a normal-as-possible life and I'm misunderstanding that as a "facade of normalcy" and a discounting of trauma...?
 
Probably in reality, there are far more people who have experienced trauma but who are struggling to lead a normal-as-possible life and I'm misunderstanding that as a "facade of normalcy" and a discounting of trauma...?
What the research has shown is that trauma is very, *very* common. We used to think (or people in developed countries used to think) that trauma is rare when in fact we now know it's a part of our daily reality. People cope in different ways. It might be that we still have to go a bit to recognize trauma as a society. Personally, I've yet to see trauma informed communities shaping up locally (I only know one place run by people with mental health challenges which has activities like meditation, yoga etc.). And the medical system? Yet to catch up with the trauma movement. At the moment you have to fight to find someone who's informed and who resonates with you. But that's just been my experience.
 
Probably in reality, there are far more people who have experienced trauma but who are struggling to lead a normal-as-possible life and I'm misunderstanding that as a "facade of normalcy" and a discounting of trauma...?
Do you find that you’re having these thoughts about people you don’t know, or people you engage with regularly?

If it’s the first? It sounds like there’s possibly some self-acceptance issues or shame issues going on? Like, “I’m not normal, no one else is like me”. And if that’s what’s going on, that’s not actually about the people around you, it’s about your relationship with yourself.

One of the things that was really apparent when I was going to Trauma School (I did a shiteload of outpatient, group complex-trauma therapy) was we were all defining ourselves largely by our traumatic experiences. And although it’s definitely been a big part of our past and our development, it’s not actually who we are. There’s more to us than our trauma. Our core ‘self’ has been shaped by loads of things, and is much about our morals and values and priorities and preferences right now, as it is about our dark pasts.

Soooo, that could be waaaaay off!! Ignore it if it’s unhelpful.

Another thing (potentially just as way off!) that could be going on is if this is happening with people that you meet regularly. Like friends or work colleagues. The big thing there? Is get to know them. Sometimes people have, in fact, led pretty sunny lives. But, mostly not. And mostly, everyone around you is preoccupied with themselves, and the things going on in their lives.

What are those things that are preoccupying them? Find out. Have conversations with the people around you, find out who they are, what’s important to them, what they look forward to and what they worry about (worry, in some form, is almost universal!).

They’re all human. Fragile, complex, beautiful, ugly, with wins and losses, strengths and failures. You have way more in common with them than you have differences. They are worth getting to know. You are their equal, and they are yours, and getting to know them better, and yourself better (who are you, beyond your trauma?) is possibly one of the most rewarding parts of recovery.
 
Sometimes, it can be frustrating to be around "sheltered" people, but even "sheltered" people don't mind being educated.

I think in it's core you're looking at a thought distortion of some kind, mixed in with a negative core belief. For example, you might feel like you have some special knowledge about the world others don't, and that they judge you or think you're different for having had a different life. Or you might feel that you didn't do anything to not deserve a life like theirs.

Or, with the distortion you've brought up, it might feel like you have the burden of knowing how horrible some things are, while others get to ignore it and silence your voice and your experiences.

In times when I was more well, I noticed that the horrible things I had seen did not necessarily mess with my ability to communicate with "non/less traumatized" peoples. Instead, it made me the "mom/dad friend" at worst and the one who enjoyed my "normal time" with others at best.

In my experience, the thing people react to the most are the mental illnesses that come along with trauma, and not the trauma itself. But I will say that PTSD is not considered an uncommon disorder, and many believe the structure of our governments and society/culture is heavily contributing to it.

But anyway -- try to think of what your thought distortion is. Aka, the types of thoughts you're having that contributed to this otherness you're feeling. Because all of ours won't be the same as yours.

If it were me, I'd say that my distorted thought was that I was raised differently (read: badly) and therefore simply will never fit in with "regular people."

And then I would make a list of counter thoughts, including ridiculous ones, that help to go against that false belief. Or correct belief. Do what feels right and what makes you feel better, and not worse.

My counter thought would be, "trauma makes me fit in better because I've learned enough to be able to help my friends feel safer around me than without me." For example.

I hope this is helpful to you. I feel you
 
I think trauma creates 'otherness' and feeling outside systems.
Bring gay does too (most things are catered for a heterosexual world).

There are lots of other 'others' too. Disability. Race. Etc etc etc.

So, maybe accepting otherness.but also, you don't always know what someone has been through.
Most people say how calm I always am. When inside I'm not. People wouldn't know. Maybe I would be one of the people you would find naive and superficial?!
 
more and more, i am convinced that calling someone, "normal" means i don't know them very well and have no intention of ever knowing them. i do an awful lot of assuming when i summarize people into a single descriptive. it's not their facade which is blinding me. it is my own assumption which is blinding me. no need for me to consider further. thou hast been summarized. i'm never wrong. you can assume on it.

for sure, comparing is one of my meaner psycho bad girls. when i start comparing myself to others, i'm already halfway down the proverbial rabbit hole. ply therapy tools here.
 
Probably in reality, there are far more people who have experienced trauma but who are struggling to lead a normal-as-possible life and I'm misunderstanding that as a "facade of normalcy" and a discounting of trauma...?

This is a really reflective thread. I think I could offer myself as an example of what you say in the quote here.

My normal part becomes detached from emotional memories of trauma. But it's developed out of a whole heap of cognitive distortions, fear of rejection based on shame and self blame that the abused me is too disgusting for other people. So yes, there's a whole lot of mess behind normal.

I think I also went through a period of feeling quite judgemental, but in the opposite way. I really disliked it when people spoke about being survivors of CSA. It triggered the parts of me that my normal was trying to deny.
 
It’s amazing how in-group / out-group stuff so easily takes on an importance of life-or-death, and how the distinctions between “us” versus “them” FEEL so true. Even when proved utter nonsense.

Really wanna bake your noodle? Try thinking about all the groups that consider you “normal people”, and your life a “normal life”.

You already did one, as you didn’t grow up military, and aren’t military now. How many other groups, just off the top of your head, do you think you could brainstorm in 5 minutes? Or, similarly, just come up with a short list and then go into as much depth an detail as possible. Or both. Depending on which makes the perception more real.
 
It’s amazing how in-group / out-group stuff so easily takes on an importance of life-or-death, and how the distinctions between “us” versus “them” FEEL so true. Even when proved utter nonsense.

Really wanna bake your noodle? Try thinking about all the groups that consider you “normal people”, and your life a “normal life”.

You already did one, as you didn’t grow up military, and aren’t military now. How many other groups, just off the top of your head, do you think you could brainstorm in 5 minutes? Or, similarly, just come up with a short list and then go into as much depth an detail as possible. Or both. Depending on which makes the perception more real.
Thank you - they're great points! 😊
 
Having grown up with trauma, I've never had a "normal" life, that wasn't directly impacted by trauma, abuse, C-PTSD, etc.

I'm sure many who grew up in such rough childhoods also remember looking at "normal" families who seemed to live some kind of Brady Bunch life... (Tho, looking back as an adult, who knows whether their lives were really like that or whether in some cases, it was just a facade).

I've always felt like those people are a) lucky but b) also really naive and superficial... They just don't seem to get that trauma can be a very real part of life... Their conversations about small-talk topics seem to boring, fake and stupid to me. So I've always been a) envious of people without trauma but b) also very judgemental of them.

I know that army people often seem to have a similar view of "civilians"... that they're naive and have no idea how bad real life can be...

I struggle to break out of that dynamic of being either envious or looking down on people without trauma...

I also feel resentful about them dominating the discourse... It feels like there's this constant push to keep normalcy at the forefront and to avoid and repress the reality of trauma in many people's lives. Which kind of feels like the lives of people with trauma and their struggles are being discounted and ignored.

I wonder how I can find a healthier stance for myself?

Can I feel compassion with them, because often people who have not experienced trauma are just people who have not experienced it "yet" ? Trauma has a way of touching most lives, in some way or other, over time.

How can I stop feeling like the "outcast" with trauma who's not part of the circle of "normal" people?

I think maybe these are narratives from my childhood, which I haven't updated to a useful adult model of the world... Probably in reality, there are far more people who have experienced trauma but who are struggling to lead a normal-as-possible life and I'm misunderstanding that as a "facade of normalcy" and a discounting of trauma...?
I understand completely. My childhood was one long trauma to. As an adult I've ran into the same issues, with the non-traumatized.

I would try to explain to them just how horrible and life altering it was, Only to have them wipe their ass with my horror. Get over it they'd say. I got scoffed at and minimized universally. It was a trauma in itself. I would get extremely angry at them. But then again I was just like them in that manner.

All my memories were suppressed and not connected. I was so destroyed and programed for destruction and scapegoating that I had to disassociate. I was born all fuct up according to everyone else. Then after a lifetime of disfuntion and covert abuse I was hit with illumination. Memories were connected and more memories flooded in.... anyway, I didn't believe in CPTSD or repressed memories or alter personalities. I lived 48 years thinking it was a scam diagnosis. My whole life I was walking around oblivious that I had a raging case of it. So I understand completely how the normal population are sceptical and dismissive. You can't truly appreciate the nature of our struggle unless you go through it.

Take care and fight.... BTW. Most of those people that were telling me I was born fuct up were the ones who fuct me up. ironic.
 
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