E
Echo
@Hope4Now - I am sorry I've repeated myself. It has been the most stressful day. I've been rushing around, as much as I can, to get myself off to a place of safety and peace (I drive tomorrow), having for the first time spoken my truth to my abusive parents by letter (they will have received it today). I should have kept off this site for the time being, but instead I seem to have got involved in rather a lot of conversations, so my head is spinning. I'm not helping my own anxiety by doing this.
I won't be defeated, and neither will you. I am rising today with the intention of reclaiming my agency and personal power. It may be some time before I feel I have it firmly in my grip and I'll no doubt be faced with all my gremlins before I do. Yes, it was me who mentioned putting together a daily schedule. I had hoped to have done so by now; I really wanted a powerful positive thing to slot into place on day one of my new life, but I haven't managed it yet. I do, however, plan to formulate it on my 'retreat'. You are right that it will be a schedule that will fall apart frequently, but that doesn't matter. What matters is gradually regaining power and building a life on my own terms. It is heartening to hear that it works for you.
The sense of 'total anniliation', 'destruction' and such like seem to be a key part of all this. My therapist asked me at some point whether at any point I had thought I would die during an attack, and yes my rapist tried to kill me, but I somehow got away - I haven't remembered how yet. This can be central to PTSD, this fear stemming from facing obliteration. Remember though, like everything else, it is in the past; we just need to convince our poor brains that this is so. I'm so sorry that you're having such a struggle with your body, too. I guess we have to so lovingly nurture it while it attempts to speak, that it finally feels safe enough to tell us the truth without shattering us again.
And thank you for your kind thoughts and encouragement. The feelings of compassion and respect are mutual! It is good that you have found your way to the site, too.
I won't be defeated, and neither will you. I am rising today with the intention of reclaiming my agency and personal power. It may be some time before I feel I have it firmly in my grip and I'll no doubt be faced with all my gremlins before I do. Yes, it was me who mentioned putting together a daily schedule. I had hoped to have done so by now; I really wanted a powerful positive thing to slot into place on day one of my new life, but I haven't managed it yet. I do, however, plan to formulate it on my 'retreat'. You are right that it will be a schedule that will fall apart frequently, but that doesn't matter. What matters is gradually regaining power and building a life on my own terms. It is heartening to hear that it works for you.
The sense of 'total anniliation', 'destruction' and such like seem to be a key part of all this. My therapist asked me at some point whether at any point I had thought I would die during an attack, and yes my rapist tried to kill me, but I somehow got away - I haven't remembered how yet. This can be central to PTSD, this fear stemming from facing obliteration. Remember though, like everything else, it is in the past; we just need to convince our poor brains that this is so. I'm so sorry that you're having such a struggle with your body, too. I guess we have to so lovingly nurture it while it attempts to speak, that it finally feels safe enough to tell us the truth without shattering us again.
And thank you for your kind thoughts and encouragement. The feelings of compassion and respect are mutual! It is good that you have found your way to the site, too.
