Feeling Lost. Am I The Only One?

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi all,

I started dating again last summer. No small feat in my PTSD world!

However, I feel so incredibly lost! I've been out of the dating world for 10 years now, and I feel like I need a "dummies" guide, lol.

I can't hide my PTSD behind gainful employment like some can. I am on disability right now, and don't lie when the inevitable "what do you do" question comes up. I don't say much, sometimes as little as "I have an illness and am not working right now". But this isn't what bothers me. I've accepted that my PTSD scares some away..

What does bother me is that the sex issue seems to be front and center. Even with guys I've just started TALKING to! I was raped as a child, and it seems that child sex abuse survivors either become sluts or prudes. I went the prudish way and at the age of 32, I'm not very experienced with guys, relationships, or sex. Suffice to say, I don't jump into bed with ANYONE.

One guy wanted to sleep with me on the first date, dare I say expected it?!? Another guy started hinting at sex almost immediately after we started talking. And yet another guy tried to sneak in the back door by using the "I want to be friends and take thing slow" line, but his true intentions were very soon known.

Am I alone in the wanting to take things slow? I'm not saying that I don't want sex at all, I am saying that it needs to be with someone I really care about! Someone I am in a RELATIONSHIP with.

Does anyone else experience this? Or have struggles with the rest of the dating world wanting to move much faster than you're able to?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not willing to sacrifice my standards to find someone. The right person for me is the one who is willing to wait. I'm worth it, dammit!!

 

[TranquilStream]

Ha! I loved this. You made me laugh out loud because I am in the same boat. And I feel too that the right person will at least not expect it so soon. I don't tell people that I have PTSD - they don't need to know any time too soon. One of my friends started dating a new guy and we both mentioned that we noticed he seemed to have very few facial expressions and sometimes the responses were off. Guess what?! She started taking the time on her own to try and figure out what it is. We think its Aspbergers. She's been reading up on it. I'd much rather someone say to me.. hey, do you know, I've noticed you seem to have some PTSD symptoms - and then tell them that way. I figure if they work at it to figure it out they might want to figure more about me out too. :) And yes, I feel like I need a book too.

 

[TranquilStream]

Additionally, there are so many other ways to be sensual and bond I prefer to concentrate on that before anything else. Like, sharing a spoon, painting together, getting my hair brushed... stuff like that.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Firstly, well done for being able to manage those situations. I'm a long way from being able to date, last time I tried it I went to pieces. But from what I've heard when my fiends were encouraging me that way, its almost expected that you meet dozens of people who are wrong for you, in the hope of meeting the right one. And in between people have short sexual relationships. I guess I'm what might be called a prude too.

I sometimes think if I was going to meet a man, it would need to be in a more friendship orientated environment, so that the sexual/relationship pressure wasn't there. If you can be friends and build trust first, then if an extra attraction is there, it would surely be easier. So maybe its easier to meet in that way at a hobby club, or lunch club or something like that.

 

[lil_fighter]

I could relate to this so much, I had a bad experience in the summer just gone - I let my guard down and have done this a couple of times before, when I say let my guard down Im referring to even being brave enough to accept a date and have faith that 'this time it'll be ok' as like you said for someone with PTSD dating is not easy. But this time was far from ok and the guy was a psycho, enough said.

Anyway..I agree with you on your view of sex with someone you care about and I think many people feel that way - even guys believe it or not it's just that we have met the creeps so far and there are a lot out there, they are ten a penny but that's not to say a decent, respectful guy is not out there for you.

I haven't experienced sexual abuse as a child but I experienced mental and emotional abuse in my teens with the threat of rape lingering and a lot of lucky escapes which means I came to fear men and believed that all men were like my narcissistic father or the mentally unstable neighbour who stalked me when I was at college. It all came at the wrong time and shaped my view of men particularly because until 17 I had grown up with just my mum around, no males and met my father and his massive family (I dont mean fat lol, there were a lot of them) when I was 17 for the first time. I dont think the dating world is moving fast, it may appear that way based on the pressure guys have put on you or maybe if you compare yourself to how it seems to be for other people. You are worth it :) and you have exactly the right mind set and deserve the best

 

[Jon]

When I was younger I was asked out alot but was too shy to really make anything of it. The more I felt like my adulthood was pushing me too; the worse my life got. At the moment I still have the dating skills of a middle school child. Women look at me like im some sort of a player, then become pretty frustrated with the fact that im unresponsive to their passes or speechless during conversations. Its a power to be able to develop relationships in society and people will respect you more if you are good at that; it also keeps us alive in some ways. I dont know if my offenders had the intention of depriving me of that, it always seemed like I was on the brink of a social revolution before my traumatic experiences occurred. Getting assaulted under sexual pretenses really made me think that I had to start from the beginning and build my pride from what little I had. Thats something kind of new for me to accept, the fact that I have to take this slower than most people.

I still cant date, im 23 and really want to but just cant for some reason. Im really glad that your able to get yourself out there, I dont know the full answer to your question; but I would just say, embrace your experiences both good and bad because others dont have the ability to experience the best part of life. Just stay strong, my plan was to do the same and not expect anyone to look out for my PTSD. Dont let the dating scene scare you into any hole, sometimes it can be hard to get back out there once you do. Pursue happiness! Im still tryin to do that :)

 

[Helliepig]

Yes well done for managing this. I have similar issues re dating. I think it is SO important to take it slowly because you need to manage all your fears, doubts and triggers and take time to make sure you're not picking an abusive person out of familiarity. In my experience, some guys "date" purely to have sex, some see it as part of dating, others are so numbed out from their feelings or brainwashed, some may even have abuse issues themself.

I think it is so important to follow your heart. A person who really cares about you will be far more interested in making sure you're happy and ready than thinking of their own gratification.... be choosy.

For me I can't do the dating thing - I've tried! I need to meet someone in another context and get to see him in relation to others too. Get to know him slowly. I've joined a singles adventure club because that way i get to meet others as friends and do fun things i've always wanted to do so I'll have fun anyway.

 

[lil_fighter]

In my experience, some guys "date" purely to have sex, some see it as part of dating, others are so numbed out from their feelings or brainwashed, some may even have abuse issues themself.

I agree with this, especially the part about them having abuse issues themselves and that is a toxic situation, especially if you meet someone like that and you have an abusive father (for example), it's a major trigger. In my experience the guy did not know how to act and his behaviour was very forceful and intense early on, he seemed to think it showed 'love' (I'd only met him twice for a 'date') and it can be very frightening if someone is behaving in a way or seeming to have planned to do the very thing you have feared and tried to avoid for years (im not talking about sex, I mean being forced).

But..on a lighter note Helliepig, I like your idea of singles adventures sounds like a good way to meet people but then again it's right that you should meet them around other people particularly people who know them - their family or friends. It can be very telling if they dont want you to meet people they know or seem to keep you isolated from day one from people in general or gets very jealous when you're in public on your first date..the ultimate sign of a creep.

I have a question for everyone, something I've wondered for a while...do abusive people have a 'radar' for abuse victims or people with ptsd that they feel can take advantage of or is it the othe way round..do people like that go towards the abusive poeple willingly?..it's a strange one but you do start to wonder when it happens more than once.

 

[Helliepig]

I think just as we're drawn to abusive people because they are "familiar" and "normal" to us, so it happens the other way round too. Some people just can sense if you're vulnerable or used to being a victim, that is their "familiar". It isn't necessarily a concious choice........Just as we have spent years thinking "love" is that mix of fear and shame and abandonment that we grew up with, so we don't see it for what it is, and respond to it with attraction, so they think "love" is about control, games, power etc.

And I think it also comes down to bullying too, bullies don't pick on weak people, they pick on people that threaten them or trigger them in some way, or who think decently and give the benefit of the doubt or doubt themselves. They don't pick on people that they sense are likely to fight back with greater violence. On so many levels we pick up signals from people that draw us to them for all sorts of reasons. An abuser needs to feel one up and in control so will be drawn to people that respond to that without spotting how unhealthy and dangerous he is - unhealed victims.

Healthy people can seem odd and almost boring when you're used to drama and pain. They get more and more interesting as you heal, but they are still scary, if nothing else because they SEE you, and want to get to know YOU. That intimacy is terrifying.