Feeling Lost And Alone

[MR CLEAN]

Hi
This is my first time on any type of forum, but at some point you need to find someone who understands.

Here is my story. (sorry for the spelling, my first language is french)

I don't suffer from PTSD, but it does make me suffer.
My wife has HAS PTSD (diagnosed by our familly doctor).
She has had it for the past seven years but dinies anything is wrong.
It first started when our oldest son who was 1 at the time chocked on a piece of apple (really bad:turned blue, ambulance,hospital, almost died). She hase'nt been the same since.
She then transfered her hypervigilence to his food allergies.

Long story made short, she threw me out 18 months later because she said she did'nt love me anymore and I found myself on my mothers couch. Seven months later she asked me to come back and things were pretty good for a while (we even got married, had another baby, got a dog and a house) we were a happy familly again.

But after a while the symptoms got worse and worse. Finally after about a year of escalation I broke down (depressed all the time, cry for no reason ect...) and left her. (kids and all) Beleive me I feel so ashamed of myself, guilty and disappointed in what I had done (If I could only undo what I did... but I can't and I have to live with that for the rest of my life).:crazy: If anything positive came out of it, is that I had time to think and think and think somemore. I finally realized that I had'nt stoped loving my wife, I just ran away from the PTSD. Once I figured that out I tried to make things right again with my wife.

We got back together five months later, and worked things out pretty much at first (alot of ups and downs) and for the last 8 months or so things we're looking very good for us as a familly. (she even wanted another baby), we got her a new car, made plans for the futur and started looking for a new house. Everything was looking good up to 3 weeks ago when out of the blue she kicked me out again. (doesn't love me anymore again).
I mean what happened, 3 weeks ago we're shoping for a house and then BOOM :wall:
It makes no sence at all.

That's right 3 seperations in 6 years
Now I'm back living on my mothers couch again.

This time however I know that the problem isn't my wife, it's the PTSD, and I refuse to let the disease win the war. ( I would'nt abandon her if she had cancer, so why should I give up with PTSD !!!)

I love my wife.
I love my kids.
I'm a great husband and father.
I just wish we finally PTSD never shoved it's ugly face in our lives.
But right now I'm feeling very lost and alone !!!

Has anybody gone though the same and had a happy ending

Sorry about being so long, but even if I've left out 5 years of detail and events, it felt good to get things out in the open with people who understand and won't judge.

Thanks

 

[millicentcat]

Relationships are very confusing when PTSD is involved. I've felt less alone since being here (about two days now) and that's a good thing. Hopefully, you will feel less alone, too.

 

[Farine]

Salut!
Mr. Clean, I'm so sorry!! Your english is good. If you want to say something specific and you know what you want to say in Francaise, try going to google translator and typing it in. It will convert it to Englilsh! VOILA!!! C'est tres bon!!!

It's important to feel understood. I did hear you. I would clarify one thing. The PTSD isn't so much the enemy as the denial. I also would commend you for loving her soo, so much! She doesn't understand what a beautiful gift you are. I know you need to hear that. You have a big, magnifique soul. Hearing about your love for her brought tears to my eyes. Keep posting. I'll think about what I might add to this discussion. You are among friends here.

Farine

 

[scarredfeathers]

Hello Mr. Clean,
I used to do that. It's funny. I know what you are referring to because I was the one putting others through it. I went through about three relationships before I settled with the one I am in now. However, I only figured out how to settle because I admitted what was going on. The one I am with now would not let me deny what happened. So after he talked me into it (very unrelenting yet understanding I might add) is the only reason we are able to have a much better open relationship together. There is hope, just don't give up!

 

[MR CLEAN]

Hi millicentcat

Your right relationships are very confusing. I'd also like to add frustrating and somewhat empty when she sits in front of the TV or the computer and is alone in her little safe world. Theres not a day that goes by that I don't want to sit with my wife and cuddle and even after all this time (we've been together for almost 15 years) I still feel like she's the most beautifull women in the world and the only one I want to make love to. Beleive me I'm not the best looking guy (Mr average eveything), but when I left my wife 2 years ago and the word was out that I was available I actually got 7 women (co-workers, clients...) telling me they wanted to sleep with me (it freaked me out so much that I put my wedding ring back on).
Some of these girls were very, very good looking and 15 years younger then me. But in my eyes they didn't even come close too my wife.

Sorry I'm rambling again.
You're right about feeling less alone. The first thing I did this morning was log-on here and my day was better then it has been in the last couple of weeks.
Sharing and venting with people that actually understand is very liberating and comforting. I hope you'll find some comfort here as well.

I hope to hear from you soon,
Thanks again !!!

 

[MR CLEAN]

Salut Farine! Merci beaucoup !

Actually my problem is the spelling in english. My spoken english is actually perfect, not even a little accent. When I travel to the states people even think I'm American. (I grew up watching M*A*S*H, Happy Days, Gilligans island).

I don't know if I can be be commended for loving her as much as I do, it's not something that I work on doing. I just do (with all my heart and soul) and I can't change that even if I wanted to.

What a beautful gift you are did make me cringe a little, I pretty feel like a rottrn apple in a wrapped box for leaving her 2 years ago. I look back in shame and disgust at what I did. I feel like I was weak and cowardly. But at the time I didn't know what else to do so I fled like a child. (what a great gift).

Your kind words did bring a big lump in my throat (I think I ran out of tears ) Been crying like a baby lately.

Thanks for the love and frienship (it does really help) and I hope to hear from you soon.

 

[MR CLEAN]

Hi scarredfeathers.
[DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/newreply.php?do=newreply&p=146345"] [/DLMURL]
I've been reading your post over and over and I'm a little freaked out. It's kind of reading what I hope my wife could post in a few months (or years) time. I'm glad to hear you're moving forward and it gives me hope that it can happen to us as well.

Thanks for the hope
I hope one day I'll be the one posting the encouraging news.
Hope to hear from you soon.

 

[ISupportHer]

Relationships with PTSD in the mix are so very hard. The many separations, the many difficulties. I hope you have looked in the carers area and the PTSD, specifically PTSD Relationships.

Maybe I missed it, but I assume she will not go to a therapist. Any attempt at couples therapy to try to work out some of these feelings with a professional?

Bottom line, without sounding too harsh, is that none of us can force our sufferers to do anything that they don't want to do. Here in the States, there are books that discuss PTSD from the partner's standpoint. After 6 years I assume you have tried a lot of things. It's just that we as carers have to look closely at how we fit in and decide on our own when enough is enough as well as how our actions and reactions can influence the entire equation. Not saying not to to express yourself, not to talk, not acknowledge your feelings. Actually the opposite is true. This forum is a good place to express yourself and find resources.

My best to you and welcome. I am glad you posted.

ISH

 

[scarredfeathers]

It's true about what ISH said, from the sufferers standpoint anyway.....
I remember any time someone started to care about my condition, I would just leave them. I would blow up and yell at them, tell them I never wanted to see them again, and that they were just making stuff up and would deny the whole thing. Then I found someone that just wouldn't leave me alone! He would stop talking to me for a couple of days after the little blow-up to let things cool down, then call me back and pretend the whole thing never happened. After a while, the blow-ups got less and farther between. But He would never avoid a symptom. He would always let me know what was happening even if I didn't admit it. But he gave me space after I yelled at him. I was blessed with someone with so much patience. He eventually got me to quit drowning myself in alcohol and I started to love people again. This approach worked for me. However, everyone is different! You just have to find the right approach and it won't be smooth sailing but it will be much better.... :) Good Luck! Lot's of patience ;)

 

[MR CLEAN]

Hi ISH

I've started to look at different areas , including the carers section. Thanks
The only thing I have'nt tried is tying her down and draging her to a therapist, but I dont think it would have helped matters much.
Generaly my actions are pretty laid back, dont add oil on fire and I pretty much shrug things off when they are of lesser importance. My big problem are my reactions when she kicks me out. That's when I get emotional and act like a Poppa bear protecting his momma bear and cubs. I leash out at the PSTD, the only thing is that it's in her so she gets the sarcasms and the anger. (I've never laid so much as a finger on her). So the way I show her my love is to be an ass (not a smart thing) I usually calm down after a month or so.
What really gets me frustrated is that when I do talk to her about what I'm feeling she reacts like I'm retarded and that I don't see things the way they really are.

Thanks for the support.

 

[MR CLEAN]

Thanks Scarredfeathers

Luck I need, but patience I got more than enough when it comes to my wife and kids.
Even when we're having a rough time ( I do get my agravation periods) all she has to do is her hand trough my hair or something and my heart rolls over and I'm head over heels in love. I've never felt that way with someone else it's actually spooky.

I'd like to ask you a question if I can ?
I dont know your story and I'll understand if you can't answer. I dont want to be pushy.

I've got a feeling that my wife is so busy dealing with her PTSD, and that the hypervigilance is taking up more and more emmotional room in her that she pushes other feelings deep deep down, and she eventualy forgets that she loves me and that I'm there for her. Once she forgets that she loves me, she decides to give me the boot.

Am I right ? is it possible or am I just being ignorant ?

Keep in touch

Thanks

 

[Farine]

Mr. Clean, I've been rejected twice. I can relate to that situation. I'm not saying my marriage and your marriage are similar. I think my husband's issue is that he allows negative thoughts about me. You mentioned that your wife treats your feels like you are retarded. It's something simliar to that in my house. Personally, my favorite theory is that he tells his subconsious garbage about me over and over. Eventually, he's basically brainwashed himself into thinking that he's better off without me. Problem is that he tells his mother all this crap too. She thinks I'm an idiot.

I can almost clock the time when he starts to come out of it... it's 2 months after I move out. I wonder if your wife's subconsious has been fed a mixed diet of a little truth and a lot of non-truths (the PTSD filter )