Childhood Feeling Low - Looking For Support

[ghotiff]

I'm feeling really low at the moment. My general life stress has increased, job workload has increased and my mum has just been diagnosed with cancer (one with really poor survival rates).

I've also been working with my T and learning more about myself and the impact of my CSA (childhood sexual assult) and I'm now realising that there are a number of medical problems and personality 'quirks' that have been mis-diagnosed/mis-understood over the years, but they all come from my CSA. I'm finding it hard to be so aware and thus confronted with all my CSA limitations.

My mum was a great mum, but she (and my dad) knew about my second abuser and preferred to be in denial about it, so my second abuser had access to me multiple times a week for about 7 years. This is something that I haven't quite reconciled yet and I'm just not sure of my feelings on the matter.

So I'm doing all the right things on the outside, juggling my job and kids and helping my mum and dad out etc but inside there is some turmoil going on that I can't share anywhere but here (and with my T).

I don't really have a question, but some gentle support would be greatly appreciated. Maybe someone here has gone through something similar and has some insights that might help me. Thanks for reading.

 

[anthony]

Must be pretty hard to be helping out your mum and dad, when they ignored your abuse and let it continue.

 

[Leigh925]

Your email resonates with me. It is so hard to juggle life on the outside which I do seem to manage most of the time ...all the while processing all the csa stuff on the inside.

I love my parents but they too turned a blind eye and because of that I suffered way more than I needed to. It is conflicting for me to work through that especially since my mother had health issues both physical and mental. I find that doesn't allow me to be angry with her because I feel guilty about it. So in some ways I feel stuck.

I also have had lots of medical issues that I now realize were a result of my past and was often misdiagnosed. The positive thing is that they are improving as I am getting mentally and emotionally healthier.

I am sorry that you are hurting and feeling low. I have no profound words of advice other than I understand and you are not alone. I do know that throughout this process for me there have been ups and downs. You are down now but I am sending best wishes that an up will come for you soon!

Good job keeping all the balls in the air as you juggle your life! That is a success when you are feeling tired and sad on the inside!

 

[Hope4Now]

Hi Ghotiff. I'm listening. It sounds like you have a lot of confusing and upsetting things going on in your life. It's no wonder you're feeling low.

People here often say "be gentle with yourself." I say it too. But It 's hard to know how with all the stresses you're experiencing. Maybe you can find a few things that soothe you and make you smile a bit. Give yourself permission to rest from all your hard work.

It is particularly...stunningly...difficult to reconcile the notion that a parent was a "good" parent with the realization that they did not protect you the way you needed to be protected. This stunningly difficult situation is exponentially harder when you are dealing with it at the same time as taking care of the person/people who failed you in such a big way. (I do understand this...I'm going through something similar myself).

It's so important to keep reaching out to safe people like you have here and with your therapist.

Sending you peaceful energy.

 

[ghotiff]

Must be pretty hard to be helping out your mum and dad, when they ignored your abuse and let it continue

Yes it is....not all the time, but there are moments where I remember and its just plain hard. Add to this is the problem that 99% of the people in my 3-D life will never understand this (they don't have the information, or don't have the ability to understand). Thanks for understanding.

I love my parents but they too turned a blind eye and because of that I suffered way more than I needed to. It is conflicting for me to work through that especially since my mother had health issues both physical and mental. I find that doesn't allow me to be angry with her because I feel guilty about it. So in some ways I feel stuck.

This so resonated with me. Thanks for sharing.

I'm listening.

That line alone hit me deep inside. Thanks so much for caring.

I haven't really told any friends about my mums cancer yet, because I don't know how to deal with their reactions. I'm think I know how I'm meant to feel, but my feelings sometimes get so clouded with my current anger/disappointment at being damaged so badly by something that could have been stopped (it could have stopped at least when they knew, which would have been 5 less years). My husband only sees the 'great' mum, and I understand that and its not that I want that to change, but.... its just one more person I have to hide the 'incorrect' responses from.

I was feeling so alone with this. It is so nice to be able to share my conflicting emotions and I really appreciate the support here.

 

[RussH]

@ghotiff First of all welcome to the forum. You are exactly right, this is a place where people will listen and be supportitive.

I am truly sorry that you suffered the abuse, and your parents choose to do nothing about it. However, you are in therapy and you are working toward healing from the abuse, so you are doing something.

You said that your mum has a serious cancer? I am sorry to hear that. I do wish her the best.
Ghotiff, have you forgiven your mum for not protecting you? I am not asking this for her, but for you. If your time with her is indeed short, then forgive her, and reconcile that part of your past, so that you don't carry the regret of not forgiving her into your future.

I truly hope you will be able to look back at your relationship with your mom, during this time, and appreciate the time you have with her, so do what you need to do to make the most of the time you have left her.

 

[Suzetig]

I can hear how hard it is for you to feel the need to put an acceptable public face on how you feel, it sounds like a lot of additional pressure for you in what is already a confusing time.

 

[ghotiff]

Ghotiff, have you forgiven your mum for not protecting you?

Please don't misunderstand my posts. I appreciate everything my parents gave me and I understand why they chose the path that they chose. I'm not generally angry/disappointed with them, its just that I have these short moments of trying to be the supportive daughter, but my past getting in the way. Its really confusing, and not socially acceptable to the general public.

Regarding "forgiveness", honestly - I don't know. When it stopped to recent times (I'm 40ish) I would have said yes. Having re-opened this Pandora's box of CSA I'm not sure now if I did 'forgive' 100%. Its not that I'm actively choosing to not forgive, its that I'm struggling with my CSA more than ever now, and its hard to completely ignore the fact that my parents had a choice when I was young, and they chose to ignore/deny what was happening and my life is fundamentally different than it could have been.

I'm not aiming to de-rail this post on 'forgiveness' as that is a very complex topic and not where I'm at right now.

 

[scout86]

All of this is complicated, that's for sure! I imagine you're probably a ways away from having it all sorted out, with your family and your past. And, trying to move through the rest of the world with all that going on under the surface is hard too. Sounds like you're managing, and it sounds like you have the capacity to manage, but that doesn't make it easy. And to sort out your feelings about your parents while dealing with them now being vulnerable and in need of help themselves is complicated.

My situation isn't the same as yours, but it's similar. My dad died a couple of days ago. He had Parkinson's Disease and was bad off, in a nursing home, for several years. He was also the only person in my immediate family who ever gave me the impression he wanted me IN the family. (Could be me, not them, I'm not sure.) My younger brother has all the legal control, and doesn't appreciate input from anyone, much less from me. My mom and I have no real relationship, other than a polite attempt to appear superficially "normal". I think she's like to have a daughter, but "I" have never been the daughter she wanted to have and I'm still not. I live 5 hours away from my mom & brother, so it's probably understandable that I've had no input into funeral plans..... But I still feel left out, and I'm wondering how the dynamic will change now. On the one hand, I never felt like a member of the family, so nothing really changes. On the other, the last bridge is now gone..... And, how in the world do you explain how you're feeling to people who's family situations are entirely different????

"Forgiveness" is, indeed, a complex topic. I think it's something you get around to when you're ready and not before. Sometimes there's other stuff that, inconveniently, comes up first. Here's an idea I've found useful. "At any given time, people do the best they can." Maybe not "the best", maybe not the "best they will/were ever capable of", but the best they could manage at the time, under the circumstances. We don't always know the reasons. Sometimes we do. What this means is, people, parents for example, don't always have what it takes to do what they "should" do. Doesn't make their choice right, it just means it was the only path they were capable of taking at the time. In your case, for one thing, I think it means they didn't throw you under the bus because they WANTED to. The denial was, probably, not a denial of you, or their love for you, it was a bad choice they made for other reasons.

Good luck with your journey! With your mom sick, I'm guessing it may get harder before it gets easier. I hope we can all find ways of helping you along the way!

 

[FindingMyself88]

First off, can I tell you how strong you are? Even when you have stresses in your life that could stop you from living life, you are continuing to carry on. I admire that. Just make sure in the process of living, you do things to take care of yourself.

Secondly, I understand that feeling of having forgiven your parents, but still grieving the fact that they did not protect you. You can have those feelings, while still loving and caring deeply for your mom. In fact, I think it is healthy that you admit (at least to yourself) those feelings instead of burying them down. My situation is a little different as my mom and dad were 2 of my abusers. My mom has a mental illness and was emotionally abusive, where my dad was physically abusive and also let his wife at the time sexually molest me. Now, I am trying to have a relationship with both mom and dad. It is not easy, some days I just want to scream "You really f***ed me up!" but I don't. Something my T has suggested to me is to write a letter to them and say exactly how I feel, no holding back. But then never give it to them. It is simply a way of releasing your feelings without directly saying it. Maybe this would help you?

Please do not shame yourself or feel guilty for these feelings, it will only make you feel worse. Trust me, my T says I carry a lot of unwarranted guilt, shame, and responsibility. It is going to take a complete mind change for me to get over these feelings.

Do you have a friend that is outside of the family dynamic that maybe you could trust enough to talk to and lean on? Sometimes it helps finding someone you trust, aside from your T and here, that can just be sympathetic and supportive. Sometimes a shoulder to cry on is a very good thing.

I am so sorry you are going through this, the added dynamic of your mom being sick does not make it easier to deal with your feelings. However may I tell you it is okay to deal with your feelings during this time? Don't put your needs and feelings to the side, you deserve to make peace with them and heal. Gentle :hug: if you wish for them! We are all here to listen and give any support we can!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I just wanted you to know that I read your post and want to offer support. I know what low times are like. My mother doesn't have cancer, but my mother-in-law does. She was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer almost 4 years ago. She was given 6-9 months to live. She did amazingly well for the first 3.5 years. Her health is declining a bit now, but she's still hanging on and overall doing okay. It's been hard and I won't say that every cancer diagnosis that isn't great will turn out this way, but some do. My friend's mother was diagnosed with stage 3 or 4 cancer and she is cancer free and has been for 8 years. In neither case is it my mom so I know it's not the same.

I hope that you can find some activities that you enjoy to help you to take a break from everything going on. Taking care of yourself is important, too.

 

[Jezanna]

just wanted to say i went through throat cancer with my dad> my moms the abuser. he let it happen and physically abused my older siblings. it was a bit of a confusing time even though my dad apologized for his role he played in my abuse by letting it happen. i had a very direct conversation with him. im religious and i didnt want anything standing between him and the pearly gates so to speak. i realize you may be in a different place with a very different temperment. im working on being assertive vs aggressive. I usually fail. Anyway i just wanted to offer support and (((hugs))) if acceptable