Feeling Numb

[Casey_03]

I was diagnosed with PTSD several years ago but have never undergone therapy properly, and though I'd like to now, I cannot afford it. I've only recently been able to admit that I was victimized and do in fact suffer from PTSD; previously, I abused alcohol or engaged in adrenaline-junkie type activities to deal with it. Now, I'm sober and trying to let myself process everything for the first time without the help of a crutch. But I feel absolutely nothing, and am wondering how many of you have experienced the same thing -- and if so, does it last forever? I feel no connections with other people, it's difficult to even sit through a conversation with my peers or with people who I consider my friends. Looking back, I've realized that most of my romantic relationships also lacked any real sort of connection - i just failed to notice because I was drinking. It seems like the only time I've ever been able to feel anything was when I was drunk. I don't even feel depressed now, it seems like I lack emotions altogether. I learned of a close relative's suicide recently and had no reaction, I still feel nothing when I think about it. The man I am dating (who also has PTSD) told me he wants to go back to war, and again - nothing. I feel like I don't care about anything, and I certainly don't feel anything. Is this just something that comes with first confronting the symptoms? Or does this numbness come and go as it pleases? I'm afraid that if it continues, I'm going to end up resorting to my adrenaline junkie ways just to remind myself that I'm still alive.

 

[Amalia]

Hi there.
First of all incredible congratulations to you on your sobriety. I have staked my claim in my reputation as a `partygirl` for nigh on 2 decades (see avatar pic for evidence, although it`s also my way of humanising ptsd), and haven`t managed to get to the point you`re at. In my humble opine, which is all I can give you, it seems to me you are doing what you have done hundreds of times before to protect yourself. Numbing. It`s a classic ptsd symptom. You sit and feel you should be crying, but you can`t - you literally feel nothing. And although again, I am only speaking as a certified sufferer (whoopdedoo lucky me), I think that from what you`re saying it seems you are utilising a coping mechanism to replace the alcohol. Again, kudos to you, I have nothing but admiration for you. But on here re medical advice you can only obtain a layman`s opinion (i.e. mine). Are you in therapy? Do you have support?
Ps it will get better. It doesn`t seem like it now, but the more you want, and hunger for it, the more change will show itself. Promise.
All the best Casey :)

 

[shimmerz]

Ditto with the kudos on getting sober. Like @Amalia, I give you tremendous credit for having broken the 'masking' that comes with drugs and alcohol usage. Now that the mask is off, it sounds like you are able to see that underneath the substance abuse comes disconnection. As Amelia says, this is a prime PTSD thing. In my own experience I have found that with work it is definitely possible to pass the numb and get closer to true feelings. It is no fun though. Acknowledging those feelings leaves one with the sense of vulnerability. Lots of our abuse was fed by our showing our feelings. 'I will give you something to cry about!'. So we shut it down. We learn well. Now is the time to feel something. Something small in the start. I would start with something nice at first. For myself I started with smell. The smell of flowers. The smell of perfume. Then I would attach my other senses to it. What does the flower look like? What does it feel like? Can I hear birds while I am touching, smelling, see the flowers?

For me that was how I learned to engage my senses again in a mindful manner. Not sure if that is helpful at all but I absolutely wish you all the best during your healing journey. You obviously have the tenacity that it takes to heal....

 

[Amalia]

Like and admire shimmerz.