Relationship Feeling Of Betrayal

[TheMinsterman]

I apologise in advance if you'd rather I kept this to one thread, but I wanted to start a new one based around a specific issue for feedback from people.

As I stated in my other thread, my SO revealed to me yesterday that she is feeling betrayed by something that happened last year. She stated that whilst she feels a big hole in her life (I assume where I used to be), right now she can't look past her feeling of betrayal. I won't disclose private details about her, but the easiest way to describe it is an event happened that relates to her original trauma, I felt that as we were long distance and I didn't live down there she needed to reach out to others for support. Against her better judgement she agreed to tell some of her friends, with whom she has subsequently had a major falling out with. She now feels as though they will use this against her and it is my fault for "pushing" her to tell people, thus she feels betrayed.

She did state that she understands I did nothing out of malice and that she's sure I did what I felt was right, but it has hurt her and she feels betrayed. She says she won't abandon me but right now isn't "into this". Obviously this was upsetting to hear, though in a odd way relief because I know more about what the issue between us is. I understand how she feels, I told her this and I said I know I've made mistakes and I'm not making up any excuses, as long as she knows I did nothing out of malice and had I know how flaky these people were there is no way I would have suggested it. I also reinforced that anything I say is a suggestion, she can and should ignore it when she disagrees.

I wanted to know if anybody else had experience of this from either side of the partnership? If you've felt betrayed have you been able to forgive? If you've done something that has made your partner feel that way what have you done about it?

She obviously said she'd not abandon me, but I also know that I may not be able to do a lot, but if there's anything I can, I'd like to.

 

[Muted]

I can relate to this probably more from her perspective. I understand she trusted you and took your advice, but ultimately she is responsible for her own decisions. Hopefully, she can work on trusting herself when she disagree's with your advice. Truly, if she could take responsibility for her choice, this could be a positive step for her in learning that you're not going to always be right.

 

[TheMinsterman]

I can relate to this probably more from her perspective. I understand she trusted you and took your adv...

Thanks for the reply, that was certainly part of it, she feels frustrated for allowing herself to be pushed into making a decision she regrets now. But at no point did I say if she didn't make the choice there'd be a consequence of any kind, so you're right, she chose to act on my advice.

I want to be optimistic too, I feel she does need to start taking responsibility for some her actions and stop placing the blame on me, I think she's been very focused on my involvement in it as a person she trusted, whilst overlooking I meant no harm (even if she acknowledges it) and she could always have said no. She's clearly frustrated she allowed herself to be persuaded into making a choice that has not worked out well for her, but I feel as though she's fixated too much on my role in it and extrapolated how involved I really was.

I understand the sense of betrayal etc, but I feel like pushing me away, shutting down and not really offering any directions on what she needs (space, to talk etc) isn't productive either. I'm fine with space, I'm not fine with indefinite months and months of not speaking, I don't feel we'll ever reconcile things if we stop communicating entirely. I understand she needs to work on how it makes her feel and take a positive step, but I also feel that just blanking me out and barely speaking with no loose timescale for working through this together is unrealistic to her goals of not abandoning me.

I aren't sure if she's just expecting to disappear and "heal herself" for months then just reappear when she feels like it and somehow expect me to not have felt abandoned and subsequently moved on. I don't want months of silence and then suddenly "oh hey so I forgive you now, lets work on this."

 

[Sweetpea76]

Even if she has PTSD, she is a grown adult. SHE made the decision to open up to those people. YOU didn't drag her down by her hair and make her do it.

You can't beat yourself up over her actions. She needs to own her own stuff.

 

[Muted]

Thanks for the reply, that was certainly part of it, she feels frustrated for allowing herself to...

It kind of sounds like she's shutting you out and shutting down. Are you seeing this in other areas as well? Other relationships? At work? Etc..

 

[TheMinsterman]

Even if she has PTSD, she is a grown adult. SHE made the decision to open up to those people. YOU di...

I completely agree. Right now whilst I understand it I am processing a lot of anger towards her. These are the reasons she shuts me out, barely speaks to me and isn't "into this right now."

I feel like saying she won't abandon me is a bit rich when she's avoiding me and there's no obvious timescale on her part. Yeah I know you can't set things in stone but I'd appreciate at least a let's not talk for a week or so, then have a discussion than "don't know what you can do."

It comes across as her deciding she can just process this alone and come back when she feels like it, whenever that is, and hey look it won't count as abandoning me. Her shutting down and avoiding solving issues WITH me, imo, will only prolong it.

 

[TheMinsterman]

It kind of sounds like she's shutting you out and shutting down. Are you seeing this in other areas as...

Yes and no, I have taken the greatest brunt of the criticism and shutting down, I've assumed because I am an easy target to project all of her stress onto because deep down she knows I won't hurt her in retaliation.