Strangelongtrip
MyPTSD Pro
I've got a great opportunity to move somewhere with a new friend (who is just awesome, and I have a little crush on), and I'm traveling to see them soon. I am more excited than I've been in years, about anything. But when I get excited, I feel like I also start thinking in the future, about how I want things to happen. And I feel shame about this, but I also fetel ashamed of being excited. The thoughts that accompany this shame are "you don't deserve these nice things" and "you'll never be good enough for what you desire".
This leads to me thinking mean things about people in order to protect myself from the fact I like someone, even if I'm trying to not have expectations. It builds up in my chest and sternum, this like gucky shame feeling, and I wish I could stop hoping for anything. Then I get really down. I make myself feel guilty for getting excited and thinking maybe good things could happen. I've worked so hard just to get to here, where I can fight back those thoughts and recognize it doesn't have to be like this.
Has anyone else had a similar reaction to being excited/hopeful and what do you do with it?
This leads to me thinking mean things about people in order to protect myself from the fact I like someone, even if I'm trying to not have expectations. It builds up in my chest and sternum, this like gucky shame feeling, and I wish I could stop hoping for anything. Then I get really down. I make myself feel guilty for getting excited and thinking maybe good things could happen. I've worked so hard just to get to here, where I can fight back those thoughts and recognize it doesn't have to be like this.
Has anyone else had a similar reaction to being excited/hopeful and what do you do with it?