I am new to this website & this is very difficult for me to talk about but none the less I needed some support & reassurance so here goes... Long story short,
I was sexually abused by my father from the time I was little til the time I was 18. My mother knew about it, did nothing to stop it & even blamed me for it, in addition she blamed me for him abusing my sister too. For many years I kept this to myself, I didn't talk to anyone about it or anything. At the age of 26 after having suffered repeated negative experiences with people & repeated patterns of running into toxic people, I finally went into therapy. The therapy was extremely helpful in many ways & I felt as if I had an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders. There is however one thing that still really bothers me that I can't seem to get past.
My twenties were a very turbulent time for me, I had problems with alcohol, I had repeated patterns of running into toxic people & I was extremely irresponsible with money (I was never taught how to manage/save money). In my early twenties I dug myself into credit card debt & I battle compulsive urges to spend money. There have been times in my twenties where I have had my own place, but then there were other times (due to lay-offs from jobs & my own negligence to save money) that I've had to move back in with the same parents who abused me. In addition to being sexually abused by my father, I was also verbally & physically abused by both of my parents. They were both drug addicts & we lived in poverty growing up, my mother was also bi=polar & suffered from her own deep seeded issues.
I spent the better part of my 20's living with my parents on & off again, partly because of circumstances out of my control, but also partly because I didn't have the foresight to save money ...In fact, ( & this is really hard to talk about) back in May, My hours at my job were cut & I was eventually laid off ...I tried to keep my apartment for as long as I could, but found myself in a predicament where I have had to move back in with my parents due to not having any where else to go. I turned 30 this past year & things are really starting to hit me hard about how irresponsible I was with money, I often feel sickened & "abnormal" for maintaining a relationship with, or at times even living with the same people who abused me. Over the summer my father apologized to me for what he did to me & said he felt sickened by what he did. Although the apology was nice, I still feel strange & awkward living with them, as of right now I am in the process of saving money so that I can maintain my self sufficiency for good.
I guess the thing that I am afraid of the most is the reactions of other people when I share my story. I have often been accused of "lying", "exaggerating" or being "mentally ill". I have often heard things like, "well if your parents abused you, why did you move back in with them?" or "Well it couldn't have been that bad because if it was you would even keep in touch with them let alone move back in with them" ...I have often had people insinuate that I'm "crazy" or a "loser". In addition, I've had people flat out turn their backs on me because they don't understand my journey, or they view me as "crazy" or "too much to deal with". I am fearful that I will never find unconditional love or acceptance & it really pains me.
At this point in my life, I'm somewhat of a loner, I have a bit of social anxiety & fear that if people hear the truth about my story they won't believe it or like me. In addition, I feel embarrassed about my current financial situation (yes, I know that its partly my fault ...I do acknowledge where I went wrong, but I'm still embarrassed by it) ...In addition, I find myself to be a very conflicted person, I absolutely HATE what my father did & the way my mother treated me, there were also good times too (I'm not saying the good times excuse the abuse), but I'm very conflicted ...I don't know whether to love them or hate them ...Often times my concern & disdain towards them run side by side.
As of right now, I am back in therapy for the simple fact that I need support in dealing with the fact that I've had to move back in with them (again) & that at 30 years old I am not where I want to be in life despite the fact that I'm college educated.
If anyone has any insight on this or any supportive advice, please feel free to chime in. I feel alone in this & I also feel like in many ways my life is "too messed up" or that I am "too messed up" to be worthy of unconditional love & acceptance. Should I spend so much time concerning myself with what others think? ...or just focus on improving my life? Should I be worried that I'll never be loved/accepted unconditionally because of the way that my life has played out so far? ....There have also been several times in my life where my parents have guilt tripped me into helping them out financially & on some level I almost feel as if its my obligation to assist my parents when they ask me ...is it?
I was sexually abused by my father from the time I was little til the time I was 18. My mother knew about it, did nothing to stop it & even blamed me for it, in addition she blamed me for him abusing my sister too. For many years I kept this to myself, I didn't talk to anyone about it or anything. At the age of 26 after having suffered repeated negative experiences with people & repeated patterns of running into toxic people, I finally went into therapy. The therapy was extremely helpful in many ways & I felt as if I had an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders. There is however one thing that still really bothers me that I can't seem to get past.
My twenties were a very turbulent time for me, I had problems with alcohol, I had repeated patterns of running into toxic people & I was extremely irresponsible with money (I was never taught how to manage/save money). In my early twenties I dug myself into credit card debt & I battle compulsive urges to spend money. There have been times in my twenties where I have had my own place, but then there were other times (due to lay-offs from jobs & my own negligence to save money) that I've had to move back in with the same parents who abused me. In addition to being sexually abused by my father, I was also verbally & physically abused by both of my parents. They were both drug addicts & we lived in poverty growing up, my mother was also bi=polar & suffered from her own deep seeded issues.
I spent the better part of my 20's living with my parents on & off again, partly because of circumstances out of my control, but also partly because I didn't have the foresight to save money ...In fact, ( & this is really hard to talk about) back in May, My hours at my job were cut & I was eventually laid off ...I tried to keep my apartment for as long as I could, but found myself in a predicament where I have had to move back in with my parents due to not having any where else to go. I turned 30 this past year & things are really starting to hit me hard about how irresponsible I was with money, I often feel sickened & "abnormal" for maintaining a relationship with, or at times even living with the same people who abused me. Over the summer my father apologized to me for what he did to me & said he felt sickened by what he did. Although the apology was nice, I still feel strange & awkward living with them, as of right now I am in the process of saving money so that I can maintain my self sufficiency for good.
I guess the thing that I am afraid of the most is the reactions of other people when I share my story. I have often been accused of "lying", "exaggerating" or being "mentally ill". I have often heard things like, "well if your parents abused you, why did you move back in with them?" or "Well it couldn't have been that bad because if it was you would even keep in touch with them let alone move back in with them" ...I have often had people insinuate that I'm "crazy" or a "loser". In addition, I've had people flat out turn their backs on me because they don't understand my journey, or they view me as "crazy" or "too much to deal with". I am fearful that I will never find unconditional love or acceptance & it really pains me.
At this point in my life, I'm somewhat of a loner, I have a bit of social anxiety & fear that if people hear the truth about my story they won't believe it or like me. In addition, I feel embarrassed about my current financial situation (yes, I know that its partly my fault ...I do acknowledge where I went wrong, but I'm still embarrassed by it) ...In addition, I find myself to be a very conflicted person, I absolutely HATE what my father did & the way my mother treated me, there were also good times too (I'm not saying the good times excuse the abuse), but I'm very conflicted ...I don't know whether to love them or hate them ...Often times my concern & disdain towards them run side by side.
As of right now, I am back in therapy for the simple fact that I need support in dealing with the fact that I've had to move back in with them (again) & that at 30 years old I am not where I want to be in life despite the fact that I'm college educated.
If anyone has any insight on this or any supportive advice, please feel free to chime in. I feel alone in this & I also feel like in many ways my life is "too messed up" or that I am "too messed up" to be worthy of unconditional love & acceptance. Should I spend so much time concerning myself with what others think? ...or just focus on improving my life? Should I be worried that I'll never be loved/accepted unconditionally because of the way that my life has played out so far? ....There have also been several times in my life where my parents have guilt tripped me into helping them out financially & on some level I almost feel as if its my obligation to assist my parents when they ask me ...is it?
