Relationship Feeling So Sad...

[Bubbles215]

Hi all, sorry feeling on a real downer today. I've been posting for a little while after meeting an incredible guy - a combat vet with diagnosed PTSD who is having counselling.

Everything was fantastic, as I see a lot here, and I genuinely believe he is a very good man who is in a very bad place right now and has been for a month when his divorce started coming through. We went from 100 to 0 overnight. We've been in touch throughout and it's certainly had its ups and downs but this week things have really taken a turn for the worse. As I've said before regarding his PTSD I will support him 100% but not any rubbish behaviour.

A week ago he told me he has feelings for me and that we were good but now he's shut down and I feel like the enemy. He won't talk to me, says he'll phone to explain then doesn't, everything is done over text which I hate. He says he just doesn't want to talk. I feel if we did I'd understand more. I feel like I'm the only person he doesn't want to talk to. I'm tired - I'm trying to occupy myself but I just don't know what to do. I don't want to lose this incredible man. I know he's in a very bad place.

I've asked him and He won't tell me to go but has said its quite probable he won't ever come back as he's in a bad way. He constantly puts himself down, says I'm better off without him, that I deserve better, that he's not ready, doesn't want anyone right now. No matter how many times I tell him that's not how I see him it makes no difference. I feel like he's forgotten how positive we were. I feel stuck in limbo - do I stick around in the hope when he is feeling better we can start to build again or do I try and get over him, move on all the while loving him. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong and making things worse.

He used to say give him time and be patient but he doesn't say that now. I wish he could just remember how good it was on both sides. I accept and love him for who he is, no matter how complicated things are - I know it would never be an easy ride.

Sorry all, bad day.

 

[Casey_03]

How long had you guys been together before he started acting this way? He may not want to talk because he simply has no explanation and himself doesn't understand what he is feeling or what he wants. And it's not unusual for someone with PTSD to avoid the one person they are close to and let everyone else in -- that's just because the "closeness" in the relationship is a stresser or a source of confusion, whereas other people may be easier to talk to because they don't force him to confront certain feelings (and just your presence could be forcing him to confront things, doesn't mean you are saying or doing anything wrong). I think PTSD relationships that happen very quickly are generally unhealthy, because the PTSD sufferer is often not fully cognizant of things right away, then it hits them later and causes turbulence. It starts out rocky and the foundation often is shaky, whereas if you build up the relationship slowly, there's more time to be fully aware of things (this is true of any relationship, but especially for PTSD sufferers when they are still in therapy and trying to get a grasp of things). So I guess my advice would be to let go of the idea of the "good times" and get used to the space, not necessarily because it will be permanent, but just because it will be less stressful for both you and him if you can take a step back. If you are still committed to him and want to wait, then do that, but channel all your energy into being the strongest person you can be, for yourself, not for him.

 

[Changing4Best]

Isolating is common for PTSDers, but it is not something that usually lasts forever. Not unless you "pull the plug" and end it with him. So hang in there and give him a chance, unless you are the kind of person who cannot deal with this type of thing, because it will probably come up sometimes.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

The time factor means a lot. Everything that Casey said above :)

In PTSD changes can be quite rapid and immense, and you need to put yourself first :hug: Hopefully this resolves better than most stuff did for me

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Dear @Bubbles215 as @SheilaKathy and @Saelben have already stated, isolation within a PTSD sufferer is commonplace and is a coping mechanism used subconsciously by the sufferer to minimize the effect of traumatic memory, by isolating the sufferer removes themselves from the rest of reality and enters into a cognitive deliberate coping world of their own.

As a Combat Veteran myself on top of being an abuse survivor I fully understand where he is at this time, I myself have been there many a time in the last three decades, just let him know that even though you may not fully understand what he is experiencing mentally but remind him that you chose to be together in this relationship, you love this guy dearly and want to be there to comfort him at all times, however you must always remember to look after yourself in this as well as wanting to wrap him in the proverbial cotton wool.

He needs, desperately needs to come to terms with certain parts of his traumatic history that he could never tell you about, these will be the issues he is currently working through and I know it is hard to say but he needs & must remain totally selfish whilst these episodes happen, this is a sufferers way of protecting those nearest and dearest to us.

We as sufferers experienced that moment of trauma and we experience the fallout as a result of that traumatic exposure, this is particularly prevalent in rape victims and Soldiers alike. What we want to avoid at all costs is exposing our supporters to any part of that trauma.

To Quantify my last :-

I Myself have suffered 4 decades of abuses against me of a life threatening nature, I have survived Military Contact of a devastating nature, I have so on and so on, the level of my traumatic exposure matters not. To end, Imagine watching the most horrific horror movie of your life day after day, your mind will tell you *It's ONLY a Movie* your subconscious will take this fact into account.

For the sufferer that movie is on constant loop and never goes away, the sufferer will learn to cope with the memory and replaying over and over of that movie. The periods of isolation are necessary for the sufferer to come to terms and learn to cope with the memory.

I hope my comments help

Kindest regards and :hug:s

Laurence

 

[Changing4Best]

Therapy is a must for sufferers, so when you can, suggest it to him (when he is receptive, if he is not already doing it). I remember how many years of it brought me up out of the deep and I usually live a pretty well balanced life these days, though every once in a great while something can throw me for a "loop." I'd say at the 5 year mark or so, I started to experience life in an acceptable manner. Before that, it was touch and go.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sorry you're having such a rough go of it @Bubbles215. Don't forget to take care of yourself hon.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

And always wear underwear :P @Sweetpea76

Warm underwear is a part of self care, makes you healthier :hug:

 

[Sweetpea76]

Latin class joke that always makes me giggle. :p

It's the little things that cheer you up. @Bubbles215 it sounds like a day for a good book and your favorite meal.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

I've been really liking latin, it's simple to learn for me because it has the same structure as my native, but is much simpler in terms of grammar :) @Sweetpea76

 

[Bubbles215]

You guys and girls are awesome!!! Thank you for the very sound advice and for the laughs (warm underwear firmly on the shopping list!!). I can't thank you all enough - I guess today things felt hopeless and lonely - people tell me to kick him to the kerb but this isn't him right now ... Well yeah it is but it's the him that is in a world of pain - and lonely because I miss him. However, I'm aware that what I'm feeling isn't a patch on the turmoil he's going through and that while a month seems like a long time for me it's a drop in the ocean to him. I was equating isolation with ignoring.

@Mr Laurie I cannot thank you enough for your personal insight to this. It has helped a great deal to try and get a sense of understanding!

You all rock!!! Thank you.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

A month is a looooooooooooooong time