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Feeling stuck in a dysfunctional workplace.

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DeepBreath

New Here
Hello all. I’m brand new to this and honestly don’t know how this works. I’ve never been on a site like this and didn’t understand the menu options, but I decided just to jump in anyway. So here goes.

I’ve been at a job with a micro-managing, critical, negative, belittling boss for 21 years. I tried to get a new job after my divorce 8 years ago, when I found the stress of the job too much, but I was unsuccessful, I think because I came off as just plain desperate. Now I’m in in a better place, and actually getting close to retirement (within 1-4 years), and my therapist is encouraging me to “step down,” meaning get a part-time job until I’m ready to fully retire.

Here’s the problem. I don’t trust my boss to give me a good reference. She’s so critical, and I can see her being “honest” about my mistakes, which I believe I make more of because she’s always hovering over the staff, pointing out everything we do “wrong,” (even though it’s usually inconsequential, the biggest problem being that she’s making it a problem). I want to ask a co-worker to act as my primary reference, but I’m afraid that won’t work because I’m in a small professional field and we’re all familiar with each other. I’ve thought of going to my bosses supervisor but honestly I don’t know what she could do, besides confront my boss, which I’ve already done - I’ve told her directly, but kindly, how her micromanagement and negativity affect me, and she just doesn’t get it. I know from things she’s shared - very little mind you, but enough to make it clear - that she was severely abused as a child, thus the micromanaging, I believe, which is often caused by trauma. So, she’s walled off, can’t let go of the constant need for control. I get all this, and I sympathize and empathize, but I feel like she’s got me over a barrel. I’ve been direct, I’ve been patient, I’ve been understanding, but the more I grow spiritually and emotionally, and the closer I get to retirement, the less I can tolerate it.

But anyway, getting back to going to my bosses supervisor, I’m actually considering that, hoping maybe she can transfer me to another area, but I’m also afraid of opening up a big can of worms. And frankly, I don’t think there’s much she can do administratively, as everything has to be done in very specific ways, ie the normal hiring process, so I don’t think a “transfer” is possible.

So, my question is: what should I do? Should I go to my bosses supervisor just to unload? Just to tell her what’s really going on at my workplace, in hopes that she, the supervisor, will act as a reference for me? I’ve documented a few things my boss has said and done over the years, but so much of it is micro aggressions, general hovering and commenting and complaining and being negative, which I’m afraid will make me sound like I’m just being sensitive.

This is all so exhausting. I really want to leave the job and “step down” to a part time job, but I’ll need a solid, legit reference, and I don’t trust my boss to give me a positive one. Do I open the can of worms w the supervisor? Do I ask the supervisor to be my reference? What do I do???
 
hello deepbreath. welcome to the forum.

i "retired" in 1995. to my senses, retirement is just a career change which lets me be picky, picky, picky on who i want to call, "boss." i promise, i have turned down more bosses than have ever turned me down. a quality in "stepping down" is that you will find yourself over-qualified for most of the available jobs. you didn't say your current job title, but 21 years at one job is a juicy reference, all by itself, even if you were only scooping dog poop.

personally, i wouldn't worry the reference angle. i'd focus on finding peaceful closure to a significant chunk of your life.

but that is me and the best career moves are strictly personal.
gentle support while you find what is best for you.
 
hello deepbreath. welcome to the forum.

i "retired" in 1995. to my senses, retirement is just a career change which lets me be picky, picky, picky on who i want to call, "boss." i promise, i have turned down more bosses than have ever turned me down. a quality in "stepping down" is that you will find yourself over-qualified for most of the available jobs. you didn't say your current job title, but 21 years at one job is a juicy reference, all by itself, even if you were only scooping dog poop.

personally, i wouldn't worry the reference angle. i'd focus on finding peaceful closure to a significant chunk of your life.

but that is me and the best career moves are strictly personal.
gentle support while you find what is best for you.
Thank you arfie, that’s sound advice that I’ll try to take to heart, especially the peaceful closure part.
 
Hello
if I read you correctly you want to stay in the same field, and not just have any part time job?

If so, you probably will need to go to her supervisor. I would think the fact that you stayed in this position for twenty one years is sort of a reference in itself. Good luck
 
Feeling stuck and being stuck are two different things?
What you're going through and how your boss has treated you sounds horrendous. And it's been like that for so long.
I don't know where in the world you are, but in the UK there are clear rules about references.
But if you feel you can't trust her, you're totally allowed and able to ask her boss to write the reference.
Maybe check where that boss will get her info from to write your reference though?
 
Hello
if I read you correctly you want to stay in the same field, and not just have any part time job?

If so, you probably will need to go to her supervisor. I would think the fact that you stayed in this position for twenty one years is sort of a reference in itself. Good luck
Thank you MaplePancake (love the screen name, btw). I’m still not sure what I’m going to do, but feeling less stressed at the moment, thank God. I appreciate the support on this site. It fulfills such a great need for people.
 
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