Feeling suicidal

[Weemie]

I’m not a great mum, nor am I a good person

I am really sorry that you are feeling so down in the dumps today. I just want to single this comment out as I do not believe it is true!

You sound like a lovely person who is currently struggling a good deal. PTSD is hard, having other mental illnesses on top of that is even harder. You are trying your very best && it is unreasonable to expect you to do better than your best. Is there anything you can do to comfort yourself?

A nice blanket, coffee, a silly movie? (I love Shrek, lol.) When I get really dejected like this it often helps to bolster myself by focusing on some self-care activities like making a coffee && playing Stardew Valley. I try to tell myself that these feelings of suicidality are transient && I will not feel like this forever.

 

[Courtneyy]

I am really sorry that you are feeling so down in the dumps today. I just want to single this comment out as I do not believe it is true!

You sound like a lovely person who is currently struggling a good deal. PTSD is hard, having other mental illnesses on top of that is even harder. You are trying your very best && it is unreasonable to expect you to do better than your best. Is there anything you can do to comfort yourself?

A nice blanket, coffee, a silly movie? (I love Shrek, lol.) When I get really dejected like this it often helps to bolster myself by focusing on some self-care activities like making a coffee && playing Stardew Valley. I try to tell myself that these feelings of suicidality are transient && I will not feel like this forever.

Thank you lovely for your kind words. I love shrek too! Very funny film! I love spending time with my daughter and partner too. I’m going to go see her today I’m swapping with my partner. We take it in turns. I can’t wait to see her

 

[Friday]

I hadn’t been suicidal for over a decade, when my kid got sick.

Within a few weeks of my kid being admitted to the hospital? The suicide plan I’d completely forgotten I’d even HAD… was fully up and running, again.

I don’t know when the paradigm shifted. We spent 2 years in the Children's Hospital (and I was the one living in it, with my kid; sleeping in-room, doing laundry on the 5th floor, etc.). I DO know it was in the very beginning of our lives, there. And I remember the shock/surprise/acceptance of realising I was back to “The Plan” (and subsequent alterations of “The Plan” to suit the present).

It’s a decade later.

I’ve been suicidal, almost daily, since then. But I’ve had other things feeding that fire (stress, stressors, new trauma, etc.).

The SPARK, though, that lit the whole thing off… was my kid being sick. And my making decisions, in advance, of what I would do if the worst came to pass.

 

[Courtneyy]

I hadn’t been suicidal for over a decade, when my kid got sick.

Within a few weeks of my kid being admitted to the hospital? The suicide plan I’d completely forgotten I’d even HAD… was fully up and running, again.

I don’t know when the paradigm shifted. We spent 2 years in the Children's Hospital (and I was the one living in it, with my kid; sleeping in-room, doing laundry on the 5th floor, etc.). I DO know it was in the very beginning of our lives, there. And I remember the shock/surprise/acceptance of realising I was back to “The Plan” (and subsequent alterations of “The Plan” to suit the present).

It’s a decade later.

I’ve been suicidal, almost daily, since then. But I’ve had other things feeding that fire (stress, stressors, new trauma, etc.).

The SPARK, though, that lit the whole thing off… was my kid being sick. And my making decisions, in advance, of what I would do if the worst came to pass.

Sorry about your child, hope they’re ok now. Yes, I needed to come home and get more bits for Layla but I’ll be the one staying with her. I don’t want to act on these thoughts because she is my absolute world .

 

[Friday]

Sorry about your child, hope they’re ok now. Yes, I needed to come home and get more bits for Layla but I’ll be the one staying with her. I don’t want to act on these thoughts because she is my absolute world .

He is. We got very, very lucky. I’ve attended too many funerals from our friends who were also there.

If there is a parents smoking-area? Even if you don’t smoke, GO there. The peer-support (to use psycho-babble terms) is off the charts amazing. People to laugh/cry/be normal with. The parent areas elsewhere tend to be “OMFG I need silence”.

Same token? If there are other parent resources (massage, counseling, etc.) hit them up. One of the best things I ever did? Go to a baseball game. I hate baseball. But the hospital had tickets for us, and transport to-from, and tickets for beer, etc. and it was just a NORMAL kind of thing to do, where I wasn’t attached to my pager (we all had pagers, and all had them on us) that created this heaven sent euphoric kind of caaaaalm.

There are 2 kinds of hospital parents (IME/IMO), short & long timers.

Both are hard.

But?

The short timers had it the hardest. As they didn’t know how to access all the amazing resources for not losing you damn mind. Because they didn’t know they existed. But needed those resources the most. We long timers attempted to shepherd in the short timers… as I/we were shepherded in… by others doing the same for me.

Oh… and YES. He’s 20 now, and was 9 then. When he got Covid at 19? We went back. Because we could. (The hospital will see “kids” until 23, or with autism forever). Because we had history there. And he was visited by ALL his old docs, in full PPE, with huge hugs. Children’s hospitals are amazing places. With the best people. But hot DAYUM… the learning curve is almost vertical, and very nearly unique. It’s an intense/impossible place. But also the best place.

And, yeah. We (parents) are nearly all suicidal as f*ck. Because our kids are sick/hurting. And that’s not insane. That’s normal. But what’s amazing are the people who understand. And fight. Like you. Even if you don’t feel that way, right now, or ever. You’re fighting. The whole ‘you don’t know how strong you are, until you have no choice’ thing.

You’ve got this.

 

[Courtneyy]

He is. We got very, very lucky. I’ve attended too many funerals from our friends who were also there.

If there is a parents smoking-area? Even if you don’t smoke, GO there. The peer-support (to use psycho-babble terms) is off the charts amazing. People to laugh/cry/be normal with. The parent areas elsewhere tend to be “OMFG I need silence”.

Same token? If there are other parent resources (massage, counseling, etc.) hit them up. One of the best things I ever did? Go to a baseball game. I hate baseball. But the hospital had tickets for us, and transport to-from, and tickets for beer, etc. and it was just a NORMAL kind of thing to do, where I wasn’t attached to my pager (we all had pagers, and all had them on us) that created this heaven sent euphoric kind of caaaaalm.

There are 2 kinds of hospital parents (IME/IMO), short & long timers.

Both are hard.

But?

The short timers had it the hardest. As they didn’t know how to access all the amazing resources for not losing you damn mind. Because they didn’t know they existed. But needed those resources the most. We long timers attempted to shepherd in the short timers… as I/we was shepherded in… by others doing the same for me.

Oh… and YES. He’s 20 now, and was 9 then. When he got Covid at 19? We went back. Because we could. (The hospital will see “kids” until 23, or with autism forever). Because we had history there. And he was visited by ALL his old docs, in full PPE, with huge hugs. Children’s hospitals are amazing places. With the best people. But hot DAYUM… the learning curve is almost vertical, and very nearly unique. It’s an intense/impossible place. But also the best place.

And, yeah. We (parents) are nearly all suicidal as f*ck. Because our kids are sick/hurting. And that’s not insane. That’s normal. But what’s amazing are the people who understand. And fight. Like you. Even if you don’t feel that way, right now, or ever. You’re fighting. The whole ‘you don’t know how strong you are, until you have no choice’ thing.

You’ve got this.

You’ve been through so much. I’m so glad your son pulled through I really am.

My daughter has issues with her brain she’s been in hospital for a week now bless her. She’s only 1! They thought she had a tumour on her brain which really freaked me out but today we see if she has. She has her MRI scan at 1pm I’m very scared.

Thank you

 

[Friday]

(Assuming you’re in the US)

If you aren’t in a level 1 trauma-Center / childrens hospital? TRANSFER.

There are only 5 or 6 in the whole US. As they’re regional.

You can not only get air-transport (free), but they will see kids (regardless of insurance, or ability to pay), but expect out of area parents (with “incoming” bags including things like clean underwear & tampons) who’ve left home in what they’re wearing. As we do that. As well as have enough notice to arrive with full suitcases.

The best docs. The best staff. The best everything. Even if your local, hospital balks.

We were several million in debt from our son’s time, there. Most of it in the first month. The hospital got it covered. 3 years of trashed credit. Making $20 per month token payments. Paid off. By all their endowments.

If you’ve been ANYWHERE a week? You & your kid rate the transfer. And it’s on the ‘patients bill of rights’ posted in nearly every room. That’s Seattle Childress on the West Coast, Boston Childrens on the East, and a handful of other Midwest.

 

[Courtneyy]

(Assuming you’re in the US)

If you aren’t in a level 1 trauma-Center / childrens hospital? TRANSFER.

There are only 5 or 6 in the whole US. As they’re regional.

You can not only get air-transport (free), but they will see kids (regardless of insurance, or ability to pay), but expect out of area parents (with “incoming” bags including things like clean underwear & tampons) who’ve left home in what they’re wearing. As we do that. As well as have enough notice to arrive with full suitcases.

The best docs. The best staff. The best everything. Even if your local, hospital balks.

We were several million in debt from our son’s time, there. Most of it in the first month. The hospital got it covered. 3 years of trashed credit. Making $20 per month token payments. Paid off. By all their endowments.

If you’ve been ANYWHERE a week? You & your kid rate the transfer. And it’s on the ‘patients bill of rights’ posted in nearly every room. That’s Seattle Childress on the West Coast, Boston Childrens on the East, and a handful of other Midwest.

I’m in the Uk unfortunately! But I understand!

How are you today?

 

[Friday]

UK is good… as NHS -f*cked up as it is- keeps referring upwards (US doesn’t refer, you have to request or insist).

Today I’m not great. But managing. You?

 

[Courtneyy]

UK is good… as NHS -f*cked up as it is- keeps referring upwards (US doesn’t refer, you have to request or insist).

Today I’m not great. But managing. You?

I’m struggling, suicidal and shit.

Yeah, it is f*cked the system. Especially mental health team. It’s annoying. Could cry

 

[Courtneyy]

So scared.

 

[whiteraven]

Hi @Courtneyy. How are you doing now? I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter, and I hope that her problems are fixable. I don't have kids, so can't even imagine your stress there. But I *have* had brain issues--that took a long time to diagnose--so I know how scary that can be.

Keep us posted!