Feeling That My T Don't Understand Me

[Hope1969]

Do you feel sometimes that your T don't understand you or is distant from you?

In the last few meetings I tell her about my flashbacks / recovered memories form the sexual abused in my childhood. It is very difficult for me to speak about it. Sometimes few seconds between the words. And after I finish she says : yes it is very difficult experience. And than she makes sort of summary of what I felt. And I feel that it's so cold. I just told you how he raped me. I just told you that I had one big flashback for 5 days and I felt being raped again and again few times a day for 5 days. I told you that I don't want to live when I experience that. And all you say it's difficult??!! No kidding. How did you figure it out all by yourself?

On the other hand what am I expecting from her? I know that she cares about me a lot. She always say she hope that I will call her if I feel bad (I never do). I told her many things that I never told no one so I gues I trust her. Last meeting she had tears in her eyes. I now she cares a lot.

And yet. Whenever I tell her about the abuse I feel as if she stays distant. I feel that I am very amotional and she is very rational. And maybe it's me who is not connected and I think that it's her.

Does this happens to you with your T?

 

[mamachick]

Hope I am so sorry that you are experiencing this with your therapist. From what you have said, it sounds like she does not have much experience in dealing with this kind of trauma and is using skills learned in school (maybe) the best she knows how. Do you know her background in treating trauma? In this day and age, it should be part of training but unfortunately it really is not. You describe what happens really well. Her paraphrasing it is part of educational training and is great for assuring that the client is being understood in situations and helping clients name their feelings when they have difficulty, but is inappropriate under your circumstances-IMHO. Agains, as you describe her having tears in her eyes, it sounds as though she understands but does not know what to do or say that would be more productive.

 

[Hope1969]

Hoenstly, I also feel that she doesn't have experience with this kind of trauma. And yet, what kind of behavior should I expect from her?
She is therapist not my mother. She can't behave in the way my mother was supposed to behave (in a warm and loving way. Or Save me from him for example).

Maybe I have unrealistic expectations from her.

 

[Sideways]

what kind of behavior should I expect from her?

This!

I get so frustrated with my T sometimes when I've broken out the big guns with my feelings or memories and I get a very dispassionate, rational reply.

There's a few things it helps me to remember. First, my T's emotional response isn't what's important- it's my emotional response that counts. And while it may feel more validating for my T to burst into tears or rage at what I tell him, after the moment has passed, that would actually be unhelpful for me, because I need my T to stay level and professional enough to steer the conversation in a therapeutic direction.

On top of that, my T is human. The fact that he may not break down in front of me doesn't mean he's not effected by what I've said. But for him to continue on as my T, if he needs to have a break down, it's better if he does that somehwere he's safe to have a little meltdown, which is not in the middle of my appointment.

I can't count the number of times I've had to follow up a statement with "and that's bad, right?" The answer is always "Yes, that's really bad". It lets me know that it's okay to go ahead and feel overwhelmed, knowing that my T can continue to hold it together and hear whatever else I may need to share, no matter how much more awful it may be.

 

[Friday]

That's an actual technique... In both communication & therapy... To rephrase what you were just told, to either clarify understanding, or to add perspective, or both. It's called "reflective listening" & is a part of dynamic known as "active listening".

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_listening

 

[Hope1969]

That's an actual technique... In both communication & therapy... To rephrase what you were just tol...

I don't care!!!! I need her to be more human. "I am sorry that you had to experience that" will work for me. If she is "professional" in my most sensitive moments I feel unseen. Like I don't exist. Like nothing I said matter. I don't know... Maybe I am too emotional about this. And yet after emotional numbness all of my life I don't care being emotional.

Thank you for your answer and link.

 

[Hope1969]

This!

I get so frustrated with my T sometimes when I've broken out the big guns with my feeling...

I used to have T who cried in few meetings. And I didn't even speak about the abuse. Just my childhood and my feelings. It was strange. Never knew what to do when she cried.

So I don't need my T to start sobbing. Just be compationet. More human.

Well, who am I kidding. I need her to behave like my mother (or a normal mother) should have behaved. Really childish :x3:

 

[Tinyflame]

I think I know what you mean.

I've never quite understood what that meant, in general, of this is the means by which someone shows they've listened. You know if they've listened, by reaction, words, questions, accuracy, tone +/ or body language etc. If anything, I heard a psych prof model empathic listening, & it was not at all droll or scripted or textbook. He not only listened, but then stated it back with some logical next question or piece they were missing (helped them see something else).

Maybe you are a person who relies on visual cues. I do,. In so far as I can say I don't like talking to someone wearing sun glasses, because I can't see their eyes.

 

[Tinyflame]

Well @Hope1969 at least you know what a normal reaction to it should be, & that you should receive it.

 

[Pencil]

Nothing pisses me of more than active listening!

 

[Hope1969]

Nothing pisses me of more than active listening!

Thank you!! I feel normal suddenly :)

 

[Pencil]

@Hope1969 , and that is because you are.

We sense/know/feel when someone is 'with us', and we know when they withdraw. Stuff the 'correctness'. You want and need and deserve a human response, and you're not getting it. Judith Herman described it very well - you need someone as a witness to what happened to you, and not as a witness to what you are saying, and there is one hell of a big difference.

And don't knock yourself by saying you want her to be your mother and that you are childish.