Feeling Triggered & Dissociated

[circe47]

I am hyper vigilant to insults, unfairness and abuse and I am extreme in how I react to those perceived insults, unfairness and abuse. Always have been this way; Always will. I am going to list some scenarios and hope that others on this forum can tell me if I'm being "too sensitive" or not.

1. I needed a brake job on my car about six years ago. I was a single, working mother of an adolescent son who received zero support from my baby daddy. My father "loaned" me the $500 to get my breaks fixed. He frequently asked when I would pay him back. Eventually, my BF worked off my debt by re-roofing my dad's house. My dad got a hell of a deal cause roofs(sp?) cost anywhere from a few grand to several depending on the materials. My issue is that I was given a loan then, while today my father today wants to gift my sister the truck that his elderly uncle no longer uses and gave to him.
2. My father often speaks to me disrespectfully in that if he doesn't like what comes out of my mouth, he speaks to me in a raised voice and corrects me in a denigrating way that he doesn't with any of my siblings. I feel like a stupid, pain in the ass, bad little girl all over again. I have NEVER, EVER in my life felt my father's pride in me as he's never expressed it unless I bring it up. Any time he has ever helped me it was on the condition of paying it back and being made to feel like a stupid, pain in the ass little girl.
3. My mother tells me recently that if my brother and his girlfriend move out of state, she will most likely move too so that she doesn't miss out on any more grandchildren's lives. I am the only child of her's to give her a grandchild. She didn't come while I was in labor, and only came about a week after my son's birth. Any time spent as a grandmother was if I came down to where she lived, or her and her "new family" came through town. I am so pissed that she did not actively try to pursue a relationship with my son, yet can't wait to move where the golden child moves so that she doesn't have to miss out on any more grandchildren.
4. Neither of my parents came to visit me in Hawaii, though I lived there for 13 years. However, my mother now tells me she is going to go to my island to visit one of the golden child's friends who has moved there in recent years. She says this all carefree and excited, that maybe I can give her some ideas about what to do while on island.
5. My father's reply to why he never came to visit is "There's nothing there that I want to see." Geee…..thanks….I guess me and his only grandchild are NOTHING. My father did happily fly across the country to visit a friend, and traveled 4 states over to visit my step-sister. Those place, held something/someone of value for him, I guess.
6. My boyfriend wrecked a truck my father "loaned" him after the BF wrecked his own truck a week earlier. The first wreck was my fault because BF was driving me in the only vehicle between us to my SSDI hearing with an ALJ that I had been waiting two years for. I finished paying off the damages for the second wreck out of my SSDI backpay to the tune of $1250 for the vehicle, and $500 for car rental for one week, gas, etc. After all this it takes an act of congress to get anyone to take me where I need to go. Today makes it one year exactly to the wreck of BF's truck that started it all. When my father mentioned the uncle's truck, I asked how much he wanted for it. I'm tired of waiting for the POS wreck to be fixed by the person who wrecked it. My father yell's in my face "you already have a car," referring to the POS wreck that has been sitting for a whole year collecting useless junk and being home to spiders and other icky little critters.
7. I would not buy this truck, now, if my life depended on it. My father can GIVE it to one of his darling, apple of his eye other two daughters.
8. With mental illness, I still managed to help my brother win his disability first time out. I took him to countless doctors appointments, sat at state disability for hours so that he could get those benefits, sat for hours at the welfare office so that he could get food stamps. My mother's response was to call me from 300 miles away to try to coach the process, and demand why me and my BF weren't doing MORE. My father resentfully threw money at the situation for meds and whatnot. Neither parent asked how I was handling the situation. But, my father did get angry and ask why nobody was doing anything to fix the car that my uncle gave to my sister (different car, different uncle that the scenario above). My sister, during all of this, still went to Hawaii, still got her hair done and got pedicures. She still did every single thing that she ever wanted--with the exception of having a S/O. She graduated with a BA. Has been to Cambodia, Nicaragua, and Europe twice. She's been to Hawaii twice as well.
9. My step-mother said no to me, the sis, my son and BF to rent-to-owning the house that my father and biological mother bought when I was a baby. Her rationale was not wanting to rent/sell to family members because when my slob brother rented the family home for several years, he and his roommates did some major damage. I was, however, ordered by my father to help my step-mother get the house rental-ready for complete strangers. This was a major slap in my face. I have IMPECCABLE rental references. My credit score was very good. I have NEVER been evicted, had the cops to a property, or been anything but a sterling tenant.
10. Worst of all? During a conversation a few months back, my father said the problem with me when I was little is that I "didn't try." Let me re-iterate my background. I was bullied and molested regularly as a child. These things took place at a Catholic academy. My parents were teenagers when they married and were insane about discipline. I grew up using drugs, naturally, to self medicate. I ended up in two violent relationships as an adult. I got free about 10 years ago. During all of this, I managed to attend trade school and graduate with HONORS. I slowly worked my way up from uneducated minimum wage worker at a burger joint to working at the oldest ad agency in SF, and earning almost 40K a year. I had a wide circle of friends, was a good, single mother. The life I built for myself out of blood, pain, and tears, crashed in 2011 after a psychotic break after moving into the house across the street from my childhood HELL. This was a move that I warned everyone would result in something BAD happening. As usual, nobody listened to me. They never do. I am always the one that gets the shitty end of every deal, and am the one that loses when the deal goes sideways.
11. Not one person in my family ever asks how I am dealing with all of this stress. But, they all get upset that my sister "has to do everything alone." Yes. She cried all over my uncle when things started getting hard with my disabled brother. Yet, she went to work everyday in her at-home office, in her P.J's. She still went to Hawaii, Montenegro, Ohio, or anywhere else she wanted to go. She spent hundreds every six weeks on fancy hair cut/color. She got mani/pedi's. She basically did everything she could to take care of herself, yet everyone was worried about her. Why is that?
12. Neither of my parents has ever acknowledged or validated my experiences of being molested, bullied and abused, without making me feel in someway responsible for that abuse. It's always because of some flaw in me, or something I did or said, when I was the child and they the adult. What they tell me, is "it's all in the past," "I only have so much time left, I don't want to dwell on the negative," or my favorite, "we all have had bad things happen to us…...get over it." I hazard a guess to say that I am the only person in my family to have gone through the horrors of CSA, bullying, violent adult relationships where my head was butted, smashed, punched repeatedly. I have been punched, slapped, raped, almost had my nose bitten off.
13. I have never been afforded the opportunity to discuss how I felt at the time, nor how frustrated I feel NOW at realizing the enormity of the abuse and the damages that can never be recompensed. Lost childhood. Lost education. Lost ability for normal relationships. Lost sense of personal safety. So many losses. How does one work around a forcefully amputated portion of the soul? BY TRYING HARDER THAN ANYONE SHOULD EVER HAVE TO.
14. I wonder if my family would feel differently if all of this was written by one of my sisters. I have a sinking feeling that the world would come to a screeching halt………..

Is it just me, or do things seem a little out of whack? Am I just being jealous, or, does it seem like there really is an atmosphere of favoritism going on in these scenarios?

 

[Sarana]

I think your family is related to mine.

I have to constantly remind myself it is *them* and not *me*, but it is painful and difficult to not take it personally. I have never posted on this forum but I totally related to your post. It is *them* and not *you*...

 

[arfie]

That is quite a list. When I feel this much all at once, I am not over-sensitive. I am overwhelmed. Short-circuit City. I shift my focus to breaking it down into more manageable chunks.

Calming thoughts.

 

[mamachick]

Are we cousins or something, sounds like my 3 wicked half sisters, their bratty adult meddling kids. They all feed off gossip and like disasters. Im the scapegoat of the family. I just have nothing to do with them-makes it simple.