Feeling Unwanted And Unloved

[ms spock]

(((((((Sandra)))))

Read you soon!

ms spock

 

[ms spock]

No my life has been no bowl of cherries. With serious health problems, abuse, suicides, financial (due to my late husband's doing). But I can't change the past. What I need to do now to try and deal with it all and move forward.

Unfortunately that is so easy to type but not so easy to do.

Keep well!

 

[Sandra]

Unfortunately that is so easy to type but not so easy to do.

Keep well!

So very true, Ms Spock...so very true.

 

[Sterre]

I think the relationships with your family of origin create patterns that, unless we do a lot of work, we repeat again and again and again. Because how we were treated as children trains us how we think we deserve to be treated as adults.

As I was searching the forum for a topic on rejection, I came across this interesting thread.

Althoug I do not completly understand everything thats been written here, because I did not read the original thread "PTSD dating for dummys" I would like to react and post my thoughts on this topic.

Lately I find myself stuck in the pattern of re-creating the original rejection that was part of my childhood.
Rejection is one of my strongest triggers and the one I fear the most. I'm overly sensitive when it comes to rejection, Even the most subtle and mildest form of rejection creates a strong and unwanted emotion inside me.
It triggers panic, rage, helpnessness, self hatered , withdrawal and avoidance of any social interaction wich then leads to depression.

Eventhough I am becoming more and more aware of the way I re-create situations where people can reject me, I still cannot grasp it.
I am unsure about how to deal with these problems. Schould I focus on what pattern I follow to re-create the rejection,, or schould I focus on how I can handle rejection better. After all, rejection is part of social life, and therefor inevitable.
Or should I learn to love myself more ( how do you do that?)

To cope with the rejection of my parents, I have learned to reject myself. It's a very painfull realisation and I feel kind of hopeless about it.
I know I reject myself many times a day by ignoring my needs, my wants, by riddicouling myself, and by being overly critical toward myself. I always now where I fail but I never see were I succeed.

I think the rejection I come across in my life ( wich is mainly in work type situations and intimate relationships) have something to do with the fact that I reject myself, and that I automaticly reject other people by not letting them get close, or accepting help ect.

I re-create the lonelyness I felt while growing up, I re- create the feeling of alienation by not letting people get close, and to withdraw from social life.
I know this is happening, I just dont know how to stop it.

I wonder if it's possible to overcome something like this thats so big and ingrained in my being. Is it possible to overcome or learn new strategies of loving oneself when you dont know what it feels like to be truly loved?
( or accepted)

Sorry if this post is all about me, I tend to write about myself as an example, not to be the subject of discussion or to ignore other peoples feelings. I just dont know how to write complicated senteces in english because its not my native language, thus its easier to write simple sentences about myself in the hope people can relate and learn from my experience and thougts about this subject as I do from others.

 

[Sterre]

I am sorry, I think I mixed abbandoment and rejection up. It's abbondonment that is my biggest trigger, not rejection. Although rejection to me, feels mostly like a prelude to being abbandoned.

 

[Sandra]

They both are terrible issues regardless of which it is Sterre. Both of those issues can truly crush a person. Word of experience.

 

[Gloria]

I am sorry, I think I mixed abbandoment and rejection up. It's abbondonment that is my biggest trigger, not rejection. Although rejection to me, feels mostly like a prelude to being abbandoned.

Dear Sterr,

I have been dealing with for more years than I want to admit. I've been married and proposed to by more men than anyone I know. Didn't marry all of them but the ones I did were re-enactments of my horribly controlling and abusive father. I've been in therapy 20 years. My one shrink told me that I had to bring the man to see him before I married again. I didn't and was divorced within a week. There is a great book. Trust after Trauma by Matsakis, Ph.D. I have used this to discuss at trauma groups. We don't know healthy. We don't know who to trust and who not to trust. I know for a fact that I there is a part of me that loved my dysfunctional family and I feel that I am the only one that understands some dysfunctional person and I get sucked in over and over. Someone once told me that most people would run from the people I call my friends but instead I invite them in my life. Not any more. I've become very much a loner now and don't get involved with men although I do date and do enjoy sex occasionally.

If you have a therapist, that person will tell you that what you are doing is going to places that are familiar. They may be unhealthy but they are familiar. Of course, I always blame myself for any relationship failure. If my husband cheated, I wasn't being attentive enough to him. If my husband beat me, I USED to think that I made him do it - finally got over that one.

Yes, eventually by talking to people like me and other people on the forum, you will get self esteem, become more aware of your own motives and I haven't been in a bad relationship for years now. I haven't been in any relationship for years now! But believe it's an improvement.

I always say "Dodged that bullet!!!" when I realize that the guy I was dating was unhealthy and I feel very proud of myself. Someday you will find a healthy companion!!

Hugs,
Gloria

 

[Sandra]

I never thought about it Sterre until you mentioned it. I guess I did have both of those things done to me. When I was thrown out of the car on the side of the highway. I was only 5 then and was left there for 12 hours. And I was certainly rejected when my so called mother always told me I was the accident that wasn't wanted.

 

[ms spock]

My so called mother died at age 61 so I guess she got her Karma for not living a long life. As she didn't deserve to be on this earth longer.

My parents got off scott free! It is just not fair!

 

[ms spock]

karma ate the living crap out of my parents, they had no happiness, only the impact of my fathers horrendous mental illness...

My parents and family and everyone got away with it all.

It seems so unfair.

 

[ms spock]

To cope with the rejection of my parents, I have learned to reject myself. It's a very painfull realisation and I feel kind of hopeless about it.

It is really hard sterre. I find it most difficult.

I treat myself the way my parents treated me as well. I have learned to reject myself too.

It is challenging and so very hard.

 

[ms spock]

I know I reject myself many times a day by ignoring my needs, my wants, by riddicouling myself, and by being overly critical toward myself. I always know where I fail but I never see were I succeed.

I really relate to this alot.
ms spock