Feeling Utterly Pathetic

[CrazyHorse]

It seems as though my cognitive reason and emotions are fighting against each other.

I know it is fruitless to compare trauma, but I feel so pathetic and guilty for having developed PTSD over so 'little'.

Ever since I was badly triggerd about a month ago, I feel like I am beginning to adapt the negative 'victim blaming' mindset from my surroundings that I have fought so hard against. For example that my rape was not a 'real rape' because I was not attacked in a violent sense, I was not threatend, he was not a stranger, I did not have a gun to my head, I was not brusied, I was not crying, I was not fighting!

I was sleeping and was so intoxicated that someone could have removed my leg without me reacting. I was helpless.

It is not my intention to offend anyone when I say this, I just really need to get it out: I find myself whishing that my rape had been violent. It makes me feel ashamed, but maybe I would have been taken more seriously, and even worse, I am beginning not to take my self seriously.

I feel pathetic. I feel pathetic for suffering so much from PTSD when I was not 'psycially hurt'. It spirals out of control; the more pathetic I feel, the stronger the urge to self harm gets, which again envokes the feeling of being pathetic. I feel like a waste of space, like I must have some character weakness because I have developed PTSD over such a minor thing, or maybe I am just faking the whole PTSD thing for attention. I do know it is not true, but the feelings and the negative self talk are slowly taking me over it seems. I feel afraid. I feel pathetic, I feel stupid and ashamed that I just can't get over it and move on with my life.

Thank you for 'listning'.

 

[Hope4future]

I'm sorry that the negative talk is spiraling. It can be so powerful. What you are feeling is understandable, but remember that feelings aren't facts. I just want you to hear that you're NOT pathetic. You were hurt physically in an extremely personal way and that violation alone is violent regardless of bruising or fighting. Our bodies belong to us and no one has the right to touch you without your consent--ever. Not respecting that is a violent act.

Please be kind to yourself. You deserve it even if you don't feel like you do. Take care.

 

[JustBe]

Your feelings are your own and you have every right to feel. It took me years to accept that I am not less of a person for my PTSD.

 

[keifer]

I didn't want to admit I had PTSD over a so little of a thing. Being violated is hard to admit, OK can be very hard or worse.

Let's put that aside for now. I had to admit I had PTSD because of all the physical things my body was doing and I had no idea why for 3 months. I still don't understand.

If it was without your consent, yep that's one point to be aware of. When it affects you emotionally and physically, the points go up.

Find a counselor or therapist asap. I take notes of what is happening to me as I tend to forget or memory block things even now.

Get help.

 

[rightkindofme]

*nod* I was raped over and over. I have been raped by twelve people. Nine of them were before I was 18.

My early rapes were non-violent. I developed major PTSD symptoms and I continued to be revictimized because my first rapes were incest stuff and I was taught to be compliant and encouraging. Life has been interesting.

As an adult I got into the bdsm community. (bdsm is basically kinky sex and some of it is more violent than other parts.) I did a lot of "rape play" with people trying to work through all of my guilt issues around never fighting back during a rape.

Then when I was 25 I was raped again. This time I fought. I fought so hard we both ended up with injuries. I was raped again anyway.

I don't recommend doing what I did and upping the ante over and over trying to reinterpret the trauma. I really didn't figure out how to keep my body safe until pretty late. And now I have had seven years free of rape and I have a hard time leaving the house because I'm scared all the time.

I did get one valuable thing from the last rape. I no longer feel guilty about not-fighting when I was younger. Even when I fought as a grown woman as hard and as long as I literally could (and I'm a fairly bad ass fighter--I've been in a lot of knock-down drag-out fights with grown men) I still couldn't stop it.

I understand the guilt. I understand the self-blame. The simple fact remains that you were raped because someone chose to rape you. What you did or did not do is not part of the simple and clear reality of the situation. You would not have been raped if someone had not raped you. There was probably nothing you could do to stop it.

You do not need to feel like you "shouldn't" be traumatized. There is no absolute scale. I mean, you know that--right? Cognitively you "know" that it is ok for people to be traumatized and there isn't a scale for "you aren't allowed to exhibit signs of trauma unless you experienced trauma that rates a 6/10 or higher on the Special Trauma Scale".

Your brain was influenced by your life experience. I understand why you feel pathetic (I feel pretty pathetic too) but the shame reaction for having feelings will block you from dealing with the real feelings.

I feel like my greatest strides in therapy come when I can feel sort of at peace with knowing that I am the way I am because of my life. I don't need to be ashamed of being the way I am. It just happened. Now what do I want to do about it?

I'm really sorry you are struggling. Probably everyone on this board has seen similar sorts of struggle (not that we walk the same road). I take comfort from knowing that if other people are struggling on and making progress maybe I can too. Not to the same degree or in the same way or anything... we are all so different. Our lives have been so different.

Good luck.

 

[CrazyHorse]

Thank you guys for your kind and supportive words :hug:

Keifer, thank you for your advise, but I am unfortunatly no novice regarding PTSD :-)

I have been in intensive therapy right from the start; the rape victim center, cognitive therapy, gestalt therapy, EMDR and even Reiki healing ;). I am just in a bad place because of the massive trigger, and just venting I guess....

 

[rightkindofme]

I'm really glad you have so much support! That's a mitzvah.

You are having your feelings. That's ok. This is the space for it. It's good to have a space, right?

 

[CrazyHorse]

You do not need to feel like you "shouldn't" be traumatized. There is no absolute scale. I mean, you know that--right?

Thank you, rightkindofme, yes I do know that :-) I just feel like it is slipping away from me, and I get overwhelmed with this (paranoid?) feeling that everyone around me does not know or feel that, and that I am beginning to think that way my self. That is new and it scares me....

 

[CrazyHorse]

That's ok. This is the space for it. It's good to have a space, right?

Excatly why I posted here. Someone always understands, I mean, really understands!

 

[rightkindofme]

I totally get it. Validation of my experience helps me handle things. So I try to validate other people as much as I can. :)

 

[bell]

@CrazyHorse, I hear you. I was in an abusive situation that culminated in attempted rape when I was 18. Although that was his intent and he tried to suffocate me, someone pulled him off me. I never feel like I have the right to say anything because he didn't finish what he started. However, for me, the combo of not being able to breathe and being too weak to get away from him did a doozy on me being around men and trust when combined with previous complex trauma. And whenever I tell the story I feel pathetic because "nothing that bad happened."

Strange how we invalidate ourselves in ways we would never do to others, huh?

 

[Philippa]

For example that my rape was not a 'real rape' because I was not attacked in a violent sense.

I relate to this so much. I still don't call my experience 'rape', I say I was sexually assaulted and seem to believe there is some kind of difference, or maybe I just prefer the less harsh words to describe what happened. It makes me feel that it wasn't that bad, and when I type that I immediately want to add "and it wasn't COMPARED to many other cases out there". 10 years later and I still think this way.

I find myself wishing that my rape had been violent. It makes me feel ashamed, but maybe I would have been taken more seriously, and even worse, I am beginning not to take my self seriously.

I never wished for this, but I do understand what you mean here.

I feel pathetic. I feel pathetic for suffering so much from PTSD when I was not 'psycially hurt'. I feel like a waste of space, like I must have some character weakness because I have developed PTSD over such a minor thing, or maybe I am just faking the whole PTSD thing for attention.

I've felt this way before as well...not that long ago either. I'm glad you felt you could express that here. Even after years of being on this forum there are still things I have trouble expressing in threads here, even though I know how understanding, non-judgemental and empathic most folks here are.

I'm afraid that if I talk about it, I will be viewed as someone who "doesn't know what real pain is"...which I guess is a result of having had people say that to me in the past when I tried to reach out and express how much I was hurting and how I was in crisis.

I do know it is not true, but the feelings and the negative self talk are slowly taking me over it seems. I feel afraid. I feel pathetic, I feel stupid and ashamed that I just can't get over it and move on with my life.

Yep, I know this one too. It's extremely hard to fight those feelings and inner dialogue, especially when it is all going on very quietly inside our subconscious minds. These thoughts occur before I even have the chance to catch them and check if they are realistic or not.