Feels Like I'm Waging A War

[Bananie]

Another venture out, for coffee to brew instead of brewed. Lasts longer, but didn't have the energy to get to that store earlier. Stupid, because then I spent over a dollar for one coffee, when HAD I just walked that extra little bit, I'd have a bag to brew from the dollar store. All things in time I guess. Also, took me half a block to realize I had put pants on over my shorts. Not bad to have an extra layer, actually, it is a bit cold. I just really didn't remember doing that. Oh well. It's easier to walk mindfully in snow. Or is it? Is it walking mindfully when I'm watching every step I take? Noticing the other prints in the snow, wondering about the person who made them? How is their stride so long? I wonder what kind of dog they have. Everything hurts. That can't just be from two days of inactivity. Oh well, I also got a couple of pieces of pie. Back to the movies.
@ladee thanks. :) I'm trying....not to fight it....but not to fully give in. To understand it better. To probe. If it's a different part, which? Why are you here? Can we work together? Please don't take me fully over. I must not be doing that great with it, my mom actually asked if I was ok. She's usually pretty oblivious.
@GrayOwl Thanks to you as well :) I appreciate anyone adding on here. And you're totally right. Animals do say more with their eyes than you'd ever imagine. My old roommate was always amazed how Grace and I just stare at each other sometimes. I definitely love and like her most of all. I'm glad you have one of your own :)
Upstate NY here, so, snow really isn't that big of a deal either lol. If I drove I'd have no problem being out in it. Hopefully, that will be soon. After 6 years without a license, I've finally paid off the fees, got my permit again, took the 5 hour class again, and in 2 weeks, I'm taking my road test again! Sorry, random turn there. Anyway, hey, with snow, we don't have to worry about hurricanes and tornadoes and whatnots usually ;)
I will say, one benefit to this state I'm in, time is actually passing quickly. Not that I want to wish time away, it's just normally, it drags, and I feel awful for longer. It's almost 6! And I've been letting myself go to bed at 8/8:30 lately. So I only have to be awake for a bit longer if I want to. And it's not seeming so bad at the moment. I want to want to be awake.... I want to want to thrive... I want to want to do something. I do want to do something with my life. I do want to be a better me and want to work at it. If I knew the right work... if I could figure it out. If I could figure me out....whoop, down the rabbit hole again

 

[Bananie]

Ohhhh man. Why did I wander into the "problems with therapists" posts? T's DO cancel because patients have been bad? T definitely cancelled on purpose. Why do I push EVERYone away?????????? What if when I go back, finally, in 3 friggin weeks, he says that we have to terminate? This is definitely going to be in the back of my head, no matter how much I try to shove it in a container. Sigh, I should've tried the container. Then T woulda kept me. Ok, dont go extreme. Evenif it ends youll be fine. Youre always fine, always. You've been through way worse than a therapist ending things. And hey, for once, it'd NOT be you that's the one walking away. Life always goes on. Til it doesn't. Then actually, ha, it goes back on again. OK. ok ok ok ok ok stop thinking.

 

[ladee]

Ladee peering into the rabbit hole: Bananie..hey..you awake? Is it ok to laugh while you are in pain and confusion??
Bananaie: Are you peeing in my rabbit hole?
Ladee : NOOO..peering. As in looking in.
Bananaie: oh ok...what was the question?
Ladee; never mind..just get some rest..gentle hugs.

 

[Bananie]

@ladee in my book, it's always ok to laugh :) My go to defense mechanism ;) T once asked "so what does help in times like those?" my response, well, I figure I'm ok as long as I can still laugh at a bird dabbing....OMG! I should watch the video of the bird dabbing!!!!!!!

 

[Bananie]

Also, @ladee , thanks for being there :) Which, coincidentally was the motto of one of my old volleyball teams... bwahahahahhahaha oh and thanks again for making me think of that, cause that team was hilARious...omg, so was Team Kool-Aid!! (The other one was Team FermGully) God I need to play volleyball again....

 

[ladee]

You had a team motto with my name in it? How cool is that!!:D Its pronounced..la dee da..without the da.
Hope you don't mind me being a regular here!
I relate way too well!:hug:

 

[Bananie]

lol, oops, I meant, "Thank you for being there" was our team motto. I think it had something to do with someone managing to get a hit back after someone missed the ball, or it bounced off someone's face or something lmao
But I like your name!! And of course, mi diary es su diary lol

 

[ladee]

Yayyyy!. Thank you.

 

[FireSign8]

I have to wonder if any of us could be prosecuted for admitting that we committed illegal acts in our past, or is the diary intended to be fictional thinking as opposed to virtual reality?

 

[Bananie]

@FireSign8 I'm not sure....but you have me paranoid that I admitted to committing an illegal act....

 

[ladee]

Don't know about the legal part. Might want to check with using a help ticket. Guess it would depend on the severity.
And no..this is real life.

 

[Bananie]

ohmygosh @ladee , what's your take on synchronicity? I was thinking about posting something on FB to my team ferngully and team kool aid friends, but didn't. Yet, two of them posted on my timeline! How fun!!