Feels Like Life Is Already Over

[BloomInWinter]

((((((Megan))))))

Your last statement is so, so harsh on your dear self. It is an example of the 'all or nothing' mental defense that we learned to internalize to survive. But is is NOT accurate.

"Everything" you do...?

Even eating your breakfast...did it end up all over the ceiling? No? It made it into your mouth ok? See....not everything. :>

"Never ends well"....ok, did you go to bed last night, or go on a drunken rampage last night ending up setting fire to your neighbor's porch swing? Bed? So.....that ended well.

Maybe not perfectly. But who does?

....and you've posted here well.

 

[milbert]

I hope that my posts are blunt but helpful, and not hurtful

 

[BloomInWinter]

Megan,

Is there any chance that one or both of your parents is alcoholic or drug addicted? Or that they are adult children of alcoholics?

Your description of your current life is very similar to mine and many others who grew up in dysfunctional families.

"The Signs
Thirteen characteristics of adult children of alcoholics
Janet Geringer Woititz, widely acknowledged as the founder of the Adult Children of Alcoholics movement, lists 13 traits to look for.
These individuals:

1. Can only guess what normal behavior is
2. Have difficulty following a project from beginning to end
3. Lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth
4. Judge themselves without mercy
5. Have difficulty having fun
6. Take themselves very seriously
7. Have difficulty with intimate relationships
8. Overreact to changes over which they have no control
9. Constantly seek approval and affirmation
10. Usually feel that they are different from other people
11. Are either super responsible or super irresponsible—there's no middle ground
12. Are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved
13. Are [DLMURL="http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/self-control"]impulsive[/DLMURL]. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess."

Source: [DLMURL]http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200702/toxic-brew[/DLMURL]
If you relate to any of these....there is hope.

 

[Middle of Nowhere]

Megan

What you describe hits pretty close to home. I was bullied too. Although I'm attempting to view my childhood as an 40 year old adult, I think that is fair to say that I am not who I was anymore. The new PTSD me faces new challenges in very OLD ways, I really want to not have to worry, if that makes any sense. I've been at it for so long.

To move forward I believe that I should first learn how to befriend myself, then maybe I can learn appropriate conversation boundaries. But like any new thing I will make lots of mistakes. Like you. I beat myself up and say it never works, but in fact it does kind of work...it just isn't pretty. I snap, I cry, I stammer, overly honest, forgetful, and I have never known when to shut up. To compensate for such a huge part of my personality is too hard. So I seek friends who love me for my (interesting) qualities, they are out there.

I hope to someday be more social but for now I seem to go back and forth between having enough control and not having it.

Nothing wrong with practicing in a mirror either.