Feels Like Things Are Slowly Spiraling

[Iyllsa]

I tried speaking with my therapist today. I was noting what I ate last week and I would tell her. I looked back and, at the most, I'd have two drinks and a cup of noodles on one day. My friend is concerned I may have some sort of eating disorder.

I, personally, feel like it may be rooted with my depression, anxieties, and OCD. I mentioned this to my therapist and I read what I ate, but she said it's normal for a young person like me to have a strange eating habit. I don't disagree, but I still feel like she's writing it off. She did suggest I try keeping note again this week, this time without the help of my friend. I told her the amount of weight I lost within a few days and she agreed that it was a lot, but since I don't appear sick and I'm not actively restricting food without a good reason, she's not concerned.

I tried telling her that I've been feeling depressed ever since we started therapy. Like typical depression, I have ups and downs.. a few lines later she asked why I thought I was depressed. I explained it was the same feeling I had back when I was diagnosed wth major depression. I told her that it wasn't just typical sadness and it's been going on for almost a year now. She was even told about how I had suicidal thoughts and a plan.. yet she ended up rubbing it off because the way I started it was maybe incorrect.

I'm a college student. I do enjoy my classes, but especially in the last few months I just haven't been feeling driven to go. I tried a month ago and I do participate as much as I can, but for some reason I just can't bring myself to do it. I miss the classes.

I told my therapist that I stopped going a few months ago and she said it was normal for people my age to not want to go to school.. but it's not that I don't want to. I do love my work and of course I love it more than my school, but I do want to progress and I do want to be in a class and learn from people who have more knowledge than me on a subject I enjoy learning about.. I tried telling her this but, again, she said it's normal for people my age. She then said it makes sense for me to not want to go because of my anxieties since, in the past, I've had panic attacks in the classrooms and lecture halls.

Eventually she told me to stop saying I was depressed. She said it was all normal and that it was my OCD that makes me think I am depressed when I'm really not.

I don't know what to think. I'm confused. For a while I was thinking that there is something wrong with my eating patterns and my friend gently agreed since she was the one who brought it up, but right now I'm doubting it and thinking that maybe my therapist is right and I shouldn't worry about it.

My friend thinks I've gotten worse over time while my therapist thinks I've gotten better. I don't know. My friend, a while ago, said she spends more time with me than my therapist and sees everything of me. Maybe I should ask my friend to write down what she thinks has gotten worse so I can present it to my therapist and my therapist and I can talk about it..

I feel like this is my fault because I know I have problems being open with my therapist. I find it hard being open to anyone and it took me a while to be open to my friend. This is my mess. :notworthy: I don't know who to listen to. In a way I do think I have gotten worse with the new symptoms I've gotten, but I also think I've improved in the sense I am now able to give my anxiety a label. Before I didn't know that what I was feeling was anxiety, I thought I was just nervous for no reason. Anyways.. I don't know. I just know that I caused this confusion and now my friend is frustrated with my therapist.

 

[joeylittle]

@Iyllsa - is your therapist at the college or outside?

 

[Iyllsa]

@Iyllsa - is your therapist at the college or outside?

Outside.

 

[joeylittle]

Have you considered either looking for a new therapist, or perhaps trying school counselling services, maybe in addition to your current therapist?

 

[Iyllsa]

And just so you understand, I'm not really the type to think I have every single diagnoses out there. I appreciate doctors who can take their time and figure out all of the symptoms and complications before making a decision or suggestions, but it just felt like she wasn't really.. consuming what I was expressing or my friend's worries. I feel like sometimes she thinks I'm thinking I have every problem out there.

 

[Iyllsa]

Have you considered either looking for a new therapist, or perhaps trying school counselling service...

I considered a new therapist a little, but not much because I'm unsure about it. Having to search for a new therapist and having to talk to them about everything all over again.. I'm not fully against it, but it's just having to make all of the progress again though it's not like I'm fully trusting this therapist anyways.

I never thought about the college resources, but I suppose I could go and talk to them..

I found my current therapist on a resource site that has affordable therapists. She does therapy for higher prices, but she was willing to work with me and set a price I could afford.

I vaguely remember my friend getting upset with my therapist in the past and saying I should find a new one if my therapist isn't willing to work with me or something like that.. don't take my word on that. I've forgotten.

 

[Iyllsa]

Have you considered either looking for a new therapist, or perhaps trying school counselling service...

Could I do two therapists at once..? I feel it would be a bit difficult and kind of awkward.. but maybe it could help. I go to one therapist one day of the week then I'll have the help of the other. If I forget to mention one thing to one therapist, I could mention it to the other.. But I know my memory isn't too good and I'd probably forget what I've told one therapist.

And I'll feel bad if my current therapist finds out I'm going to a second one.

 

[joeylittle]

And I'll feel bad if my current therapist finds out I'm going to a second one.

You can try whatever you'd like. You could see the schoool one specifically to discuss school struggles. Or whatever.

 

[Iyllsa]

I feel like giving up and disappearing tonight. I feel like I'm not needed and I could so easily take all of the pills in the house, medications that are not for me. I won't because it's too rushed, but I just don't want to try anymore. I feel exhausted. I tried reaching out to my friend saying I've been feeling lonely, but I didn't want to be too pushy. We did spend time together yesterday, but I wish we could spend time together like we used. I also know it's not that easy. I'm busy, she's got other friends she needs to spend time with and I know I can't be selfish. I just wish I knew other people and I wish I could take some sort of drug to forget all this. I want to escape this place somehow whether it be a nighttime drive far away or through other means like drugs or alcohol.. I don't know. I don't want to be here right now.