Female Disorder

[Deleted member 1860]

Ok so that title was pretty generic, but I figured it would do the trick.

I am sort of going into meltdown here and I have nobody to talk to. I'll try to be generic. I have genital pain and can't see my doctor until Monday. I am freaking out that it is something bad. (Google is not my friend!) I am freaking out that she will look down on me. (You're not married and having SEX?!?!) I am freaking out that she will refer me to a GYN. The last one was so condescending because I'm on Medicare. I need to find a new one. I hate dealing with this stuff. I am a sexual abuse survivor and the thought of dealing with it all is really freaking me out. I have nobody to talk to about any of this! They won't understand why I am so upset.

I just want someone to hug me and tell me its going to be ok. I feel so deficient. Its not bad enough that I was raped as a 4 year old, now I have to go through all this BS!?!?! My f'in head says yeah, your virginity was stolen at age 4 and now you're probably so f'ed up that sex isn't even possible. I know I'm going down the god damned rabbit hole on this one.

I just need some support right now. I need some hugs. Please don't be mean to me right now. I can't deal with that. Its hard for me to ask for help of this nature but I am putting myself out there.

 

[seedling]

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:It 's OK:hug::hug:Everything will be all right:hug::hug::hug::hug:

I understand why you are so upset, it makes perfect sense.

 

[Sighs]

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

 

[Em C.]

First off, *hugs*

Second (this may not help at all and apologies if it doesn't), but by watching a lot of videos on sexual assault and also others on non heterosexual relationships, some people formulate virginity as not a physical thing, but an inner emotional thing (ie do lesbians never lose their viriginity etc). What I mean by that is just because you were abominably forced into sex doesn't mean you have to feel like you are less than someone else or ruined or anything like that if that makes any sense at all? I know this isn't the same but for me personally my first kiss was to a 36 year old in a play when I was 15 and he used tongue and made it more than a stage kiss. It upset me that my first kiss had been wrecked in this way before my friends made me realise that my first kiss or the first time I've 'had' sex, is when I chose it and when it feels right and within my control. I don't know if that makes sense or helps but either way lots of hugs and PM if you wanna talk!

 

[illusionist]

Hugs Solara....totally understandable that you're feeling the way you are. Not easy, but the sooner you go, the less the long term stress . Be kind to yourself and take it easy.

 

[scout86]

They won't understand why I am so upset.

Then they are idiots! I get why you're upset, but I have good reason to. Even someone who HASN'T had a similar experience should get it if they have any sense or empathy. (Always remember, 50% of them were in the bottom half of their class!))

(You're not married and having SEX?!?!)

You get that that's not all that uncommon, right? Like these days it's pretty much "normal"?

The homework assignment my T gave me the other day was to come up with 10 words for the energy I want to bring to the conversation, in the event that I ever have to talk to my brother the narcissist again. (He says we'll get to my mom later.) You might try that with planning for your doctor visit. You're capable of being pretty outspoken and blunt. Take a little of that along with you to the doctor.

It will be ok! :hug:

 

[Sweetpea76]

(((hugs)) @Solara :hug:.

Just as aside if you hate your GYN, I have never had a bad experience at my local Planned Parenthood. I actually use them as my regular GYN now because I have never found another doc that makes me feel so comfortable. They take Medicaid as a standard operating procedure, and by nature do not judge anybody for anything.

:hug: Blech for girlie-parts issues.

 

[City Slicker]

Hugs Solara.

I would also like to tell that scared, tiny little girl inside that she's going to be ok and that before, there was no-one to take care of her. But now she has the big Solara who, no matter how difficult this part is, is taking very, very good care of her.

 

[rightkindofme]

Planned Parenthood was really good to me when I needed such services. They were really supportive of me making whatever choices worked for me.

I'm so sorry you are feeling pain. There can be lots of reasons and lots of potential solutions. I hope you can get in to see a cool doctor soon.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

@Solara you don't fool anyone with the snappy. You are a turtle tough outer, all heart good heart inside, and the smarts to live long. Be kind to you.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

add edit. Old Ziggy cartoon my grandad liked to quote. Best way to not be frustrated was not to be personally involved in your own life.

 

[Rumors]

Sending you a warm hug and words of encouragement. You are not alone and you are going to be ok. I was four too and it leaves an indelible mark on your soul. I am sorry you find yourself here and trying to deal with things. Loads of support coming your way. Hang in there.